Hi, all you wonderful EC-folks. I'm like 75 % sure that I'm into women at this point, though I'm not excluding the possibility of me falling for a guy, but I think it would have to be under specific circumstances. Now, I still have a lot of dilemmas that need sorting out, one of which I'm about to discuss here. Now, I only came out to my brother a few weeks ago( my third knowing person). He was pretty cool with it and now, whenever no-one's listening, he'll ask me to grade girls' looks and that he'll take me out and fix me up, with a nice girl, if I'll do the same for him. The thing is: this makes me feel very uncomfortable, maybe because now it's sort of really official. I also feel like, in order to be with a girl, I should physically be male and I feel shame for liking girls, as a girl. The female body fascinates me more and it honestly arouses me more, when I read about a guy romantically and intimately exploring his girl's body, than about the other way around. I'd like to be that dominant factor sometimes. But me... as a girl, kissing and doing... things with other girls. It just feels foreign and this might be a crazy thought, but: I think I'd get really self-conscious about there being two/four of each: boobs, nether regions... and then I'd be reminded of the fact that that's not how it's supposed to go. I also have this penis-envy I guess, since it plays such a big part in stimulation and I'd like to feel a woman that way. Though sex-toys completely gross me out... It's either the real deal, or nothing. Has anyone else at one point felt like this? Am I still just too closeted and uncomfortable? I don't think I'm trans, since I don't want to be a guy otherwise. I'm really put off by the way certain straight guys act, at times. Like they're very sexual and that scares me. So, will this pass? Just truly curious... and anxious.:tears:
Hey, I used to feel this way as well and I definitely wasn't trans. If you don't FEEL trans, then this could be caused by internalized homophobia (which is a form of homophobia only directed toward yourself due to shame). My reasoning was straight people and their limited view on sex, they think a real penis needs to enter a real vagina to count as sex. And knowing that affected me, as if I couldn't be "good enough" for any girls. I was finally able to get over it and become more comfortable with my body once I acccepted myself more. It really seems like you have a lot of shame too that will eventually pass whenever you get more help.
Hey, thanks for replying.:icon_bigg I do feel a lot of embarassment, also due to low self-worth. I feel I couldn't ever be good enough for anybody: guys or girls. Also, the fact that I keep getting crushed, because the very few girls I liked were straight, has just reinforced my belief that all the pretty ones are straight and you could only have the gorgeous, feminine girl, when you're a guy. I know this is a stereotype, as I'm sure there are loads of gorgeous bi/gay girls out there, but they don't exactly wear a neon sign, that says: " I'm gay!" Unless they adhere to stereotypes: butch, flanel shirts, beanies, short hair, which I personally don't find attractive at all. And then I feel guys just have huge advantages, in that way and I feel really jealous, especially knowing they can sometimes be very crass, when talking about their crushes e.g: I'd like to hit that... and so on and so forth. It just makes me sad, knowing how certain types of dudes disrespect women and still they'll get the girl.:icon_sad:
I think I feel this sometimes too. It does feel foreign, since I'm so used to seeing straight couples everywhere I go. I envy guys because they can so naturally form romantic relationships with girls, and for me it's tough and feels strange, in a way. Sometimes when I am around girls, I find myself accidentally thinking of myself as a guy, because it's weird liking girls this way and also being female. Heteronormalism and gender roles are to blame. It feels weird, trying to like girls and be a girl simultaneously. The only thing that might help would be exposing yourself to lesbian things more. The more you see them or hear about them, the more normal they will seem. If no gender existed, people would find the idea of gender unusual. It's all about changing the way you see things, and the way you see yourself.
