Confused about my sexuality

Hi!

First of all, I would like to apologize in advance for the length of my post. Secondly, I'm sorry if my post isn't clear. I'm super confused. Oh, and as a warning, I talk a little bit about porn (nothing graphic).

I'm 21 years old and I still have issues accepting my sexuality. Actually, I'm not entirely sure what my sexuality really is. I stumbled across these forums a while ago and decided tonight to make an account.

Here's my little story.

For as long as I can remember, I never was sexually interested in women. Most of my friends are female, I get along better with them than with (straight) boys.
As puberty hit, my curiosity naturally led to boys. None of my 'wet dreams' were about girls, it was all about boys, and that never changed. When I was 14, I searched on the web pictures of cute guys and such. One thing led to another, and I discovered porn - in my case, gay porn. At that time, I did not even have the thought of watching porn with women, I had absolutely ZERO interest.

In 2009, when I was 16, I got into a relationship with a girl, even though I had strong suspicions about my homosexuality. I don't really remember what I really felt about her five years ago, I'm pretty sure it wasn't really love: I was young, naive and my friends really insisted that I would make a great boyfriend to that girl. Here is where the sad part kicks in, that relationship lasted FIVE YEARS. I'm not proud of my relationship, because I used it to cover up my sexuality doubts for so long. To be honest, for the first month of our relationship I completely forgot about the possibility of me being gay. However, that thought came back pretty soon after that first month and never left. I fought with that feeling inside me for 2 or 3 years and eventually I gave up. I gave up on my own happiness to let her be happy with me. Just spending time with her, it felt to me that it was more a duty than anything else.

I never was sexually attracted to her (before and during our relationship). We never had sex or anything. I probably could have had sex with her, but I never did. The most we had was small kisses on the lips. And even with that, I wasn't comfortable at all, especially in public, it made me feel so weird. The fact that I never wanted to have sex with her (or any other women), I think it's a major hint towards my homosexuality.
Anyway, that relationship finally ended at the end of last year, it just couldn't work anymore. I never told her about my sexuality.

As I said before, during that relationship, I still questionned my sexuality. I knew back then that I was simply NOT attracted to women. Throughout those five years, I continued to fantasize about men and I even created a ****** account just to see what it looked like (just talked to a couple of guys and delete the app afterwards - simply not for me at that time).

After my breakup, my friends asked me how I felt. To their surprise, I told them I felt liberated, but I never explained more.

In the start of 2015, I re-joined ******, thinking I was ready and all. I wasn't. I was an emotional wreck. I made a brave decision and deleted the app after a week or so. I want my first time to be with someone special (not THE guy, but a good person with who I feel a connection), not with some stranger from the web.
However, I made friends with a really nice guy on that app and since then we have build a beautiful friendship since then. He's the first person with who I am completely honest and it's such a relief. He told me from the beginning that he'll always be by my side and that he will help me deal with my doubts, he wants my self-acceptance to go smoothly. I feel blessed that our paths have crossed.

I progressed a lot since January but my doubts are still going strong, oddly enough. Actually, I guess I'm just overthinking. I think I'm not far from accepting my homosexuality, but my overthinking got me to the point where I am afraid to be straight!!!! Strange, right?

Yes, I can find women beautiful, but there's no sexual attraction at all. And there never was. For five years, I had the possibility to have physical contacts with a woman, and I did not. Actually, just the thought of the female genitalia is "repulsive" to me. On the other hand, with men, I feel the sexual attraction. Sometimes, just seeing two guys kissing gets me aroused. When I'm walking in public, I only spot guys. All of my fantasies, present and past, are about men. They always were.
Sometimes, just to be sure, I watch porn with women (lesbian). I'm kind of testing myself to see if I'm aroused by women. And as a matter of fact, it just feels weird and wrong to me, don't feel anything else.

I don't know why I'm afraid to ´turn' straight, while all the signs tell me I'm gay. Deep down, I always felt I was ´different' from other boys. I think I'm in my denial or bargaining phase...


Can someone enlighten me on this issue? Thank you

 

I don't want to be insisting too much, but can anyone give me some advice?

 

Thanks for your reply! (*hug*)

Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking about for these past weeks. I used to be so sure I was gay, but now I'm afraid to come out: what if I'm wrong?

For all my life, I felt different - "felt gay" (not in a pejorative way) - but now that coming out is a serious possibility I feel like I'm backing off.

My gay friend told me a few weeks back that coming out wasn't an end as I perceived it. It's a new beginning, a new journey. And I'm also afraid of that journey.

Do you think you'll wait for a right girl for you before coming out? Sometimes, that's what I think: waiting for a right guy. Other days, I feel like I just want to be honest with my friends and family and remove that weight from my shoulders.

I never thought the process of coming out was going to be so long, complex and difficult; I almost always thought I was gay, why back off now?

By the way, love your avatar. I love Gaga to bits !

 

Oooh I see. You're a bit in a complicated situation. Coming out to him is a good idea I think. You're being honest with yourself and with him. I hope he'll be supportive.

Yeah. It's hard to come out when we're still "doubting" - quotations marks because deep down, we know we're probably homosexual.

I'll probably come out before fallijg for a guy. Because if I wait for that, I'll probably be waiting for a long time and I can't live with that secret for much longer. I want/need to be honest with myself and my loved ones.