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I've been confused for a long time. Any observations or suggestions welcome.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Diana, Jun 21, 2015.

  1. Diana

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    Hello, I'm new to the site, and I've decided to reach out because I've been very confused about myself for a long time. I've never talked seriously to anyone about this, so I'm sorry if I say anything that's ridiculous or use terms incorrectly. I'm new to talking about this, so here goes:

    I am a 27 year old woman, and at this point I'm guessing that I'm some variety of asexual, but I'm not sure. I've only been in one relationship in my life, which was with a man, and I never felt particularly passionate about it. In fact, I found his sexual desire off-putting. I've always outwardly identified as straight, but if I'm really honest with myself, I've found both men and women attractive to varying degrees.

    It seems that much of the confusion comes from the fact that all of my sexual and romantic feelings are very mild, and become muddled together and difficult to separate. Am I finding a certain man or woman attractive because they're an interesting person whose personality I admire and want to be closer to? Am I just appreciating his or her body in an aesthetic sense, or am I actually feeling a kind of attraction? The difference between appreciating someone's beauty and feeling attracted to them is very unclear for me.

    In high school I had two crushes - one was a class clown type of guy whose personality and charm I really admired. The other - and the one I've never told anyone about - was a female friend who I developed an attachment to that was probably more than just friendship. I was really confused about my feelings for her and didn't want to ruin a friendship, so I dismissed them as teenage hormonal weirdness, never told anyone, and moved on.

    In college I had that one relationship I mentioned earlier, and he was the one who asked me out. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I never even lost my virginity because I found his macho attitude and ego kind of repulsive. I would think about how he'd probably talk down to me, be domineering and aggressive, and probably talk to his friends about it later, and I'd just feel a jolt of disgust and rage that would kill any small ember of desire in me. I had a few other opportunities for one-night stands over the years, but never took them because I just didn't seem to be feeling that same urge that any of the guys were feeling.

    At this point in my life, I feel very very lost. I have romantic feelings. I even have what I think are some mild feelings of sexual attraction, but everyone around me seems to be riding some hormonal wave that I just never caught. It's like at a certain point in life, the music started playing and everyone started dancing on instinct, and I never knew the steps, and forcing them just makes things worse. I'm not prudish. I'm not afraid of sex or anything, but I just... never really hear that music playing the way other people do.

    Close friendships and emotional connections to other people have always been important to me, and for the longest time that was all that mattered. As long as I had a core group of people to spend time with and connect to and a job or passion in life, that was all I needed. Now, at this point in life, everyone is getting married or moving in with significant others. People who are still single are going on about how awful it is - even to my face while knowing that I've never had anyone doting on me and telling me I'm beautiful 50 times a day or whatever. When I hang out with friends now, I'm basically a professional third wheel. People ask me why I'm single, and ask why I'm not looking harder, or what I want, or ask why I'm so picky, and I really have no answers for them. All I know is that I would love to have a partner in life, but I really don't know what kind of person that partner would be. I do know that I don't want to just settle for someone I don't have real feelings for. Somehow that seems much, much worse than being alone.

    Anyway, I'm sorry to leave this giant wall of text. I know it's pretty rambling, but if anyone has any advice, or any observations, I would really appreciate it. I'm very confused and lost, and being unsure of my own sexuality has left me feeling paralyzed.

    Thanks again to anyone who read through that giant wall of text.
     
  2. DreamerBoy17

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    Hey Diana, welcome to EC.
    It's possible that you are on the asexuality scale somewhere. Not everyone is super sexual and that's ok. It also seems like you might be bisexual or pansexual. I think perhaps when you are with the right person, you might be more into having sex. It might just be that you haven't been with the right person yet, but it could be asexuality. Good luck finding yourself :slight_smile:
     
  3. Diana

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    Hey,

    Thank you so much for replying. I'm usually very guarded about my romantic feelings of any kind, and talking about this is hard, so I appreciate the acknowledgement.

    I've always thought that maybe I would feel more sexual desire if I were with the right person - someone who I could trust to be respectful and not use or humiliate me. When men approach me, though, even if they're being outwardly respectful, I can sense this undercurrent of a desire to dominate me that makes everything they do seem utterly disgusting, and my usual gut reaction is to be angry and repulsed. Do other women sense this and like it? I hear people go on and on about how confidence is key, but that kind of confidence in a guy makes me want to throw a brick at his head. Maybe, this is just the type of guy I attract because I'm a pretty short, slightly built lady. Man.. that's a depressing thought....

    When women approach me I usually just feel flattered, and I guess I can see being in a relationship like that, but I've never tried. I guess I'm in a similar position to other people who have posted in this forum in that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone and then later decide that's not what I want and end up hurting them.

    When it all comes down to it, I really need to emotionally connect with someone first, and most people around me seem to be so much more sexually driven than I am. They've got that urge pushing them to overcome shyness, helping them subconsciously give signals to each other, etc. Then there's me, just wanting to hang out, and being painfully awkward if I force some kind of flirtatious behavior because it just doesn't come naturally. This has resulted in me having a pretty wide range of friends, because I like to get to know people, but no romantic partners. It would be great if there were some way for me to reach out and find myself, but there doesn't really seem to be anyone like me around. Sometimes I'm okay with that, and other times I feel very isolated and wish I could just be more like other people, who seem to have their sexual and romantic desires more clearly defined for them.
     
  4. DreamerBoy17

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    Ah, now I remember the term. Demisexual. It's on the scale of asexuality, and it means not wanting to have sex without having an emotional connection to someone. This sounds very much like what you described. It would make sense then that you push away men that seem to want a more sexual relationship if this is you. What do you think?
    It was no problem replying, I really enjoy using this site to help others :slight_smile:
     
  5. benefit25

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    Diana,
    I can see in mens faces when it just means sex to them and it really repulses me. i always thought sex was more sacred. I lost my virginity to my ex 11 months after being with him, thinking that he could be the one.(big mistake)... People also ask me a lot why I am so picky with men and i usually answer that its because there has to be more than just looks (i dont care about the sex).. The last guy i liked was shorter than me, and i liked him because of how he was and he gave me hope(he ended up being an asshole too though) so now i am questioning my sexuality very strongly and i worry that i may not be straight as i thought i was. Now it is all a blur. If you are only wondering and confused, my suggestion would be to see directly how each sex makes you feel, and kind of push yourself to see what you are feeling because we are more emotional beings. Don't force anything that would just put pressure on you. I used to strongly believe that it was because i had not met the right guy, now I think its because i might be gay, so I am even more confused . i also don't want to go around experimenting with women just because I have to see what I really am because, i also like there to be emotions involved.
     
  6. takoyaki

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    Hi Diana,

    I've read your post and I relate to you so much, it's a little freaky.

    I'm 28, have only had one relationship. I also have very mild feelings of attraction and it's very hard for me to tell whether I like someone romantically or just normally? Everyone around me seems so much more into relationships and sex than I am, and I always felt it really difficult to relate in those conversations. I also feel a strong dislike to men who exert too much dominance or even acting too gentlemanly (I feel like they're treating me too much like a "woman" - even though I AM and I definitely relate to being a woman? it's confusing) I've come to realise I'm more attracted to girls but at the same time I might be leaning towards asexual as I don't really feel the need to be in a relationship much.

    I've spent the past few years concentrating on career and hobbies which are super important to me. To be honest I could probably keep going like for the rest of my life, but similar to you, people around me are getting married/having children, and I can't help but sometimes feel like the odd one out and maybe I'm missing out on something by not giving it a chance?

    I don't know what advice I can give you, but just want you to know that at least there's someone who's in a very similar situation. I'm learning to accept that this is just the way I am, but at the same time also learning to become more open to opportunities. If you ever want to talk, let me know :grin:
     
  7. Diana

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    @EmOfSuburbia

    Thank you so much for your observation. I looked up demisexual, and seeing things broken down in that way makes perfect sense to me. I suppose the most accurate label for me would be demi-bisexual then. I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I feel a lot more comfortable identifying myself this way.

    @takoyaki

    It's so nice to hear someone else have such a similar experience. I also focus mostly on my career and my hobbies, and sometimes I feel like, as long as I have those and the companionship of friends, that's all I need. Then I look around at people pairing off and I not only feel alone, but also feel like I'm just so different from them. Like suddenly I realize that they're going through all these intense feelings that I'm not, and that I must be more different than I thought. Everything everywhere seems to be all about people and their sexual needs and judging other peoples' sexuality, and it all seems so much more intense than anything I feel.

    On good days I feel like this gives me a kind of strength. I often end up talking to people about their relationship issues as a rational third party, and I know that I'll never be the kind of person who gets stuck in a series of awful relationships, or gives up their dreams to chase some dumb crush they have. On bad days, like you mentioned before, it feels like I'm missing some crucial part of the human experience.

    Sometimes it feels like some drunken god made me on a bad day and was like "Let's make a tiny lady who hates feeling small and wishes she were big and imposing, make her have lots of compassionate, romantic feelings toward men AND women but no sex drive just to be extra confusing, and oh, just for shits and giggles let's also make her albino because she's not NEARLY weird enough yet." Fuck you drunk god. I'm a pile of weirdness. Thanks. (Weird rant over)

    Anyway, what I mean to say is that I'm so happy to hear from someone with such a similar experience. It makes me feel a lot less alone.