Hi, I am a 20 year old male who up until the age of 20 have always just taken for granted that I'm straight, as in never 'worried' or questioned that I was anything other than heterosexual. I've always fancied girls from as young as I can remember and never had any of the same thoughts or feelings towards males. Whilst I haven't had sex with a girl yet I've engaged in everything but and enjoyed the experiences. However for some reason within the first week of starting university in september the random thought of 'How do you know you aren't actually gay' came into my head and for some reason the lack of absolute certainty with regards to the nature of sexuality manifested itself in my mind. Ever since that moment I haven't been able to go a five minute period without asking myself 'what if you're gay' or 'how do you know that you aren't gay' to which I mentally wrack my brain for any evidence or events in my past that would indicate anything other than me being completely straight. If I think about having sex with a girl then I immediately become 'aroused' however the thought of engaging in anything romantic with a male doesn't interest me in the slightest, both emotionally or physically. Despite all this evidence for me being straight I literally cannot lose the thought in my mind of whether I'm gay not, to the point where literally every single Male I see I ask myself If im attracted to them or not, and when I see an attractive girl I question whether I am truly attracted to them. These doubts are literally the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. It's absolutely destroyed my life to the extent where I can't interact socially with people for fear that I'll somehow become attracted to a male. Just to clarify whilst I personally am not aroused by homosexual thoughts or relationships I am a strong believer in equal rights etc, essentially I'm not a homophobe. Thanks for taking the time to read through this, hopefully you can see the troubles I've been going through.
It seems like you're straight, maybe curious, to me. What brought you to question tour sexuality in the first place? If it is really bothering you this much, maybe you could try to get in a homosexual relationship. Otherwise, think about it. If you aren't attracted to men emotionally and physically, then you probably aren't gay. Just take your time thinking it through. Good luck!
The thought literally popped into my head of 'how do you know that you aren't actually gay'? And then for some reason the thoughts just spiraled out of control to the point where I'm relentlessly pursuing myself for answers in every waking moment
Well, I think if you are gay, you would've been able to find some signs of it from your childhood. Sexuality can be fluid, but I think since you seem to only be attracted to women you are most likely straight.
In this day and age you will get a chance to "experiment". It will be healthy. Sometime you'll be alone with a guy you find attractive. Go with the flow. If there is a sexual tension in the room...go for it. Don't over-analyze. If you have fun, try it again and see how you feel. If you like it you might find that you're orientation is shifting to Bi, perhaps to Gay.
Rather obviously I have read up on a obsessions relating to sexuality, however I'm unsure if other thoughts I've had throughout my life are also infact OCD, for example whenever I see a police car go past with lights on I will always make a mental note of the time and place that I saw the police car incase it is needed in an investigation for some reason. Also as stupid as it sounds If I were to randomly knock a piece of paper off my desk for example, I would tell myself if I didn't pick up that piece of paper I would remember the moment for the rest of my life. I would also have thoughts about the uncertainty of death and what happens after we die which would lead to panic attacks and me justifying to myself that I won't just die tomorrow and no longer have an existence. I'm unsure if this points towards me being a sufferer of OCD who happens to have had thoughts manifest themselves upon my sexuality for some reason. It's almost as if I have moments of clarity where I just think to myself 'You're so obviously straight' but then 15 minutes later I'll find myself scrutinising every thought and experience from 20 years of life for any evidence of me being something other than straight, as if I somehow 'missed' all these clues that the majority of people noticed as they grew up. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2015 at 11:02 PM ---------- Don't get me wrong I can appreciate a good looking man, for example If i could look like David Beckham I would, but the thought of doing anything or being anything with David Beckham doesn't feel 'right' to me in my brain. Where as with women I can immediately find a women attractive, it's not as if I have to ask myself if they are attractive to me, however with literally every man I see, whether they be my age or 50 years old I constantly ask myself If i find them attractive, am I aroused by the thought of doing anything with them? Did I subconsciously look at them because I'm attracted to them? Inevitably I find the answer to all these questions in my mind to be no, which puts the anxiety and stress at ease for a brief period of time, and then I'll see another man and the cycle will start over, and over again. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2015 at 11:08 PM ---------- Like I said in another post, I have these moments of almost mental clarity, where I will literally laugh at me thinking I am anything other than completely straight, but then 10 minutes later I will be asking myself questions like 'how do you know for absolute certain?' or 'Did you really enjoy that sexual experience with that girl?' I'll find myself constantly testing myself to see If I've become attracted to males, looking at pictures of them, checking to see If I become aroused around them, and then checking to see that I am still aroused by the thought of having sex with a girl. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2015 at 11:10 PM ---------- It's more the doubt, or the lack of absolute certainty with regards to the nature of sexuality that appear to be what my thought and worries base themselves off, as opposed to hard evidence.
It sounds like you are straight. It definitely seems like more of an OCD issue than anything else. Perhaps next time you are scrutinising your life trying to look for signs of being gay, instead try and think of all the signs pointing to your straightness. Hope this helps you.
It's as if my mind is a constant court room battle where every time I question my sexuality I have to mentally go through all the evidence of my being totally straight. I remind myself the following things: - You've only ever had romantic affection / sexual attraction towards a girl - You've never once questioned your sexuality up until you suddenly woke up one day and asked yourself 'what if I've been gay this whole time' - The thought of any relationship or attraction to a man just doesn't feel 'right' to you The problem is everytime I go through this procedure it's like my brain tells me but what if you're just in denial? And the cycle repeats itself relentlessly. It's honestly got to the point where I cannot function properly and I'm at my happiest when I'm asleep and I know the doubting will stop.
I think it might be helpful to reach out to a counselor. It sounds a lot like obsessive thoughts. You can get help for that. Good luck!
I agree with others and say you're just obsessing over the question "What if I'm gay" and you're not really concerned with actually being gay. It's the question that troubles you most. It's like you woke up one day and said "But what if I'm a duck" and even though there's no evidence you keep looking at a loaf of bread wondering "Do I only like bread because I'm a duck?" If you're dead set on getting "evidence" to prove/disprove your heterosexuality, start by watching some gay porn. Maybe find a guy you like who's willing and see where things lead. It's university; everyone is curious about something in university and it's not all that surprising nowadays. My money is that you'll hate it, but at least you'll know for sure.
I've found that even watching gay porn doesn't actually help with the doubts, obviously I don't become aroused by it and it doesn't come across to me as something I'd want to do. The problem is whilst it helps with the doubts for a brief period of time, I find myself asking the same question again 30 minutes later. It happens in exactly the same way when i check that I still become aroused by the thought of sex with a girl, which I do. The best way I can describe is that it is like for 20 years my life was a jigsaw that I had been slowly building together and was comfortable / happy with every aspect to it. Then one day i woke up and it was as if I said to myself, 'what if your jigsaw is wrong'? The possibility that somehow my jigsaw wasn't how it should be for me absolutely terrified me, and made me question virtually every aspect of my life relentlessly, including my sexuality.
Anybody have any advice for how to proceed? Should I visit a health professional and see if they deem my experiences to be more of an obsession issue than a sexuality one?
To anybody who is gay, do my experiences sound even remotely similar to what you have gone through personally?
Hey Jupiter, You've gotten a lot of responses here. Everyone is telling you the same thing. You don't sound like you are gay, since you don't like guys. It does sound like you need to reach out to a mental health professional to look into this issue or similar issues to see if you have OCD. If you do end up being gay (which it DOES NOT sound like based on what you are telling us), this person would be able to help you through that too. I do not want to shut down your questioning, but I'm just not sure what else we can tell you. Good Luck!
I understand, part of my problem seems to be that i constantly want a definitive answer or reassurance from others. I'll seek out the help i evidently need.
