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Questioning sexuality in my 20s

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Twiggy, Jun 22, 2015.

  1. Twiggy

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    I guess I should start by apologizing because this will be a little lengthy, but I could really use some advice.

    I am so confused by my sexuality, but even more confused that it's taken me until age 25 to really seriously take a look at myself honestly. I always hear people say "I've always known I was gay, lesbian, ect" or "I've always known I was straight." For me, I feel like there have been many times I questioned it from the time I was maybe 14 or 15. While I haven't always known my specific sexuality, I've always felt different. But it's never been a for sure thing, it's been an "am I? Or am I just overanalyzing harmless thoughts?"

    I was really, really shy in high school and really reserved. I first began questioning my sexuality early in high school when I started to look at girls and think about them in a sexual way. I also looked at boys and found boys attractive so it was really confusing to me. I thought that once I got some experience with sex I would figure it out. I didn't ever date anyone in high school, I actually didn't even get my first kiss until after graduation. When I went to college, I dated exclusively men and it never seemed to feel right. I was attracted to men on a surface level, I found them attractive and enjoyed being around them, but when it came down to intimate activities, I had no interest. I would always find a reason to hold it off and when I finally did engage in sex with them, I would often feel like I disconnected from the experience. I thought this had more to do with me being reserved and not into non-monogamous sex or because I had really no experience and that it would eventually get better.

    The older I get, especially in this past year, I have realized that I would be perfectly okay with never having sex with a man. I also have been thinking about women way more than I ever used to. I thought that once I found the right man, I would feel differently, but if I'm being honest I have never gotten any pleasure out of an intimate relationship with a man. I've wanted to, I've tried to will myself to be more interested, I've also really liked the idea of being of a relationship with a man....just no so much the reality. I've pushed so many guys away because I'm not comfortable with having sex with them.

    I've never had any experience with women, and maybe if I did I would not be struggling so much. It's hard because I've dated guys and I've always identified with being straight. Not that this is accurate, but I've also questioned my sexuality because I don't feel like I fit the stereotype of a lesbian. I'm really feminine and, I don't know, I just feel like I don't fit in with that group either. That has lead me to feel so lonely and like I'm not capable of being in a relationship with anyone and that I'm just destined to be alone.

    I feel like if I really am a lesbian, I would have figured it out in high school or even college. If I really was I would have seeked out girls instead of guys. Maybe I do just need to find the right man. Maybe it is normal for straight women to fantasize about being with women. I just don't know and I feel like I don't know myself.
     
  2. shlee23

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    I feel the exact same way. Everything you wrote is 100% how I feel. It's a tough thing to deal with and figure out. The only thing I can suggest is to not try and figure it out alone or deal with it alone. That's what I've been doing and it sucks. Find people that will guide you and be there for you.
     
  3. Thingymajing

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    First I'd like to start off by saying that presentation has nothing to do with sexual orientation (or gender identity). You can be feminine, masculine, androgynous, or a mix of all in your presentation/expression, behaviour, sexual and gender identity and still self-identify as gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, or a polyqueer-demiromantic-transmasculine-lesbian and that's both perfectly valid and the correct usage of the term.

    Lesbians can look, act, and dress however they'd like. The only requirement you have to meet in order to be a lesbian is that you have to be attracted to other women.

    Secondly, here are some (not all) labels that feminine lesbians can (but aren't required) to use:

    - Lipstick lesbian: this is a feminine-of-center woman that's attracted to other feminine-of-center women. A pan/poly/bisexual etc can also identify this way, as this label simply explains what type of women you are attracted to, not what types of other gender people.
    - Femme: this is a feminine-of-center woman that's attracted to masculine-of-center women. A pan/poly/bisexual etc can also identify this way, as this label simply explains what type of women you are attracted to, not what types of other gender people you might also find attractive.

    Both of these terms are only general though, and most lesbians don't really bother with labels beyond "lesbian". They are also not the only labels that feminine lesbians can use. They are simply a tool that some ladies choose to use to quickly and simply sum up both their presentation/expression AND what types of ladies they are attracted to.

    Based on what you've said above you might be a biromantic homosexual - able to feel romantic attraction for both genders but only sexual attraction to your same sex. You might find you feel the same way about sex with women as you do sex with men, making you a biromantic asexual. If you are only able to enjoy sex with some men/women but only under certain circumstances, for example after forming a strong emotional attachment, you might be a demisexual biromantic.

    There are many varied labels you can use if "lesbian" doesn't fit, but it can also feel very restricting to use such detailed labels. You could just say you are questioning, or queer.

    Was I any help?
     
    #3 Thingymajing, Jun 23, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2015
  4. Twiggy

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    You definitely were helpful. I wish we lived in a society where I didn't have to feel the need to label myself. It's been difficult to sit down and ask myself the tough questions. To be truthful, with both you people online and myself, I have never felt a sexual attraction to men. I have tried so hard to, but I just don't. Yes, I find them attractive and like the attention, but even with kissing there is just nothing there for me. I've never felt that rush in your chest that people always talk about feeling when they are around people they truly care about.

    I have harbored so much shame and guilt about the thoughts that I have. While I have fantasized about being in a relationship with a man, I have never fantasized about being with a man sexually. I have only fantasized about women. I also notice women in a more sexual way in real life.

    I'm struggling because for 24 years of my life I have identified as straight, and now I'm questioning everything I thought I knew about myself (even though I've shoved these feelings down in the past).

    I just feel like I'm wired wrong, like I'm not capable of love. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and right now I just feel so alone. No one in my extended family is gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. Neither are any of my close friends. I've always dated guys, while I've never had a true "boyfriend", I've always gone out with them. But in looking back at those, all of those relationships were so dysfunctional because I was so uncomfortable and so no interested in certain activities that are expected in a relationship. The thing is, is that I want to have sex, I want to feel intimacy, but I just don't around men. I want to but I feel like I just can't. I want to so badly, but there's just nothing there for me. Even when I'm at a bar, and a really hot guy comes up and hits on me, I am flattered and like the attention, but I just feel awkward and uncomfortable. I just feel like there has to be something wrong with me.

    I feel like I've pushed so many people away and now I'm just left alone feeling sad, upset, confused, and above all lonely.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2015 at 01:27 PM ----------

    And, thingymajing, I think you're totally right. How you look has little to do with how you feel. I'm not saying this is correct or even how I feel now, but this was my opinion for a long time:

    When I first questioned my sexual orientation, I was I think 14 or 15, just starting high school. I'm originally from a pretty conservative community and 10 years ago there, not that many people were out and schools didn't have the kind of resources that they do now. We had Gay-Straight Alliance and the only kids that were in that were gay guys who were loud and most of them were the drama kids, or lesbian girls who looked the way the way the media portrays stereotypical lesbians. Being a shy, reserved girl who was not super girly, but not a tomboy, I just felt like I didn't fit in. I thought "that's what a lesbian looks like, I don't fit that so there must be something wrong with me." I also looked at the cheerleaders who were super girly and going around dating jocks and that thought "that's what a normal (I hate that word) high school girl looks that, I don't fit that so there must be something wrong with me."

    Feeling that way is an incredibly isolating feeling and has lead me to feel like I just don't fit in anywhere....
     
  5. Seagypsy

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    You sound very much like me, and I'm in my 30s!!

    I'm still feeling the same as you, and I have met 3 girls I've had a strong attraction to, and a few men, but really not many. Don't feel ashamed of not knowing what you're looking for, it's not your fault, it's just a minefield for some people, including me (*hug*)
     
  6. benefit25

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    helloo,

    i feel this exact same way and inam going through these emotions right at this second. i do not fit the standard of lesbian. i am having all of those confused thoughts that you are. please know that i am here for you. i need someone myself who is struggling with the same thing. i am also unexperienced with women and it is terrifying to even start considering them. women at times really annoy me so I don't even know why i am attracted to them. lets travel this journey together
     
  7. takoyaki

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    I feel the same way as you. When I talk to some other people who identify as lesbians, they would say that they have had feelings for other girls since a very young age. But I didn't even think about sexuality til I was 14-15 years old? It makes me doubt myself whether I really am a lesbian or not because I don't fit in with the stereotype. Just want you to know you're not alone in this :slight_smile:
     
  8. Thingymajing

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    Well I'm glad I was on point then <3

    I know society's expectations suck, I wish we lived in a society where labels weren't needed too, but they can be incredibly empowering if you manage to find one that you feel fits you like a glove - one that truly describes you. But you know what, even if you can't find a label that specific, that's okay! It doesn't change the what you are on the inside. So what if it doesn't have a label, does that change what it is? No. Is a rose without a lable any less a rose? No, it's still a rose just as beautiful and unique, even if you don't know exactly what variety it is. You can just call it a rose and appreciate it nonetheless.

    "I have never felt a sexual attraction to men." That's a very brave and strong thing to say. It takes courage to be true to your soul. Good on you!

    There is nothing to feel guilty about where your true self is concerned. As long as you betray yourself, you are living a lie. It may feel safe, but you deserve to be free. Honesty is something to be proud of, to stand tall and live for. No matter what anybody else thinks, you should should only ever feel pleased with yourself for being honest. I understand that not everyone can come out to the world about their feelings, and it also takes a lot of bravery to wait for the right moment to come out, but in the mean time at least be honest with and accepting of yourself. You deserve to be honest with yourself, and to feel not shame but pride.

    It may have taken this long to see yourself for what you truly are, and it can be scary to have your identity suddenly appear so different and alien to yourself, but you know what - change is a part of life, and the only way to move forwards in life is to let go of the past and embrace the present. It's not you that's changing at all, it's just your awareness of yourself. You didn't suddenly change, you just noticed something that was always there. That's something to celebrate! (*hug*)


    If you're feeling lonely, here are some lesbian Youtubers of all shades of gay; go have a watch and hear what they have to say! Maybe by watching them share their lovely lives with you, you can feel less alone and be reminded that you are normal and loveable, too!
    There are many more but these are just some of the girl-on-girl-loving channels I'm subscribed to at the moment:

    > Ally Hills - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCX-F__mI6sOH3Ei6IO5x-AA
    This gorgeous babe is a great singer and funny as heck!

    > Arielle Scarcella - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEjK33MAsRdSNlNfCRHARvQ
    This chick is SO confident and funny and down-to-earth, it's great! Much parodying of lesbian topics in the most fantastic dorky way!

    > Ashley Mardell - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwXB7a3cq9AERiWF4-dK9g
    This cutie doesn't update her vids as frequently, but what she uploads is gold, and she is always so laid-back and down-to-earth that she manages to make it feel like you are right there with her when she speaks. Her vids are often serious with a sense of humor, and always from a place of love.

    > BriaAndChrissy https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0mjkSKz9oMZJJmzNbXAwWA
    These two are such a lovely lesbian couple, they have such big hearts and brave souls, and they are so genuine and honest with such big personalities they leave no room for hate!
    - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCs8jFtR6kRLo32SzU8J04_A their dailyblog channel

    > Dykeotomy https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn4e5NyCiwqu1aAguWDOAOQ
    These two dorks are always entertaining for light-hearted discussion on lesbian topics.

    > ElloSteph https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChvym1LNs8oFido-edpOsLw
    I'm a new subscriber to her channel and haven't seen a lot of her vids yet, but she is very confident and funny but also covers a lot of serious topics with a sardonic sense of humor, making for entertaining education or light-hearted dorkiness depending on the topic.

    > OliviaHas2Moms https://www.youtube.com/user/OliviaHas2Moms
    A married lesbian couple from New York with a daughter and many entertaining videos.

    > hartbeat https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6GDV85ZQT785h8PD1LhPSg
    This loveable butch has also got a lot of light-hearted humor mixed in with the serious stuff.

    > hashtaglesbianproblems https://www.youtube.com/user/lesbianproblems
    This gorgeous lady tells it straight, in an intelligent manor with a sense of humor.

    ...aaand:
    > GirlfriendsTV https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLHH5WcsbW30H-kVtZfkDtQ
    A collaboration channel with many of the above-mentioned lesbians, plus many others, plus some gay men and straight peeps, all with lots of love for the LGBT+ community!

    This video from hashtaglesbianproblems's channel above, if you ignore the parts about straight girls using the word "lesbian" lightly, highlights parts of her personal struggle with identifying with the word "lesbian" that you might find makes you feel less alone. Her identity is more masculine in some regards, so she originally didn't feel that "lesbian" covered that, and it took her a while and it's still hard for her to feel at home under that umbrella, even though she wants to. All because the word has been corrupted by people who don't understand it. Also a bit of commentary about labels, the good and bad. She's on your side though, so I hope that gives you strength.
    Also, take that title to heart, my friend! Even if it's aimed at careless straight girls, it also applies to you :3
    She says a lot in this vid about unintentional homophobia, that stuff is aimed at straight people, not you, so ignore those bits :slight_smile: It's that unintentional homophobia, as well as the intentional, that makes it hard for people (like you) to understand and embrace their own sexuality, and that sucks.
    [YOUTUBE]R1BJOVBnR2A[/YOUTUBE]

    Once again, I hope I was helpful! (*hug*)
     
    #8 Thingymajing, Jun 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
  9. Twiggy

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    I really appreciate all the support from you guys. It took a lot for me to post this and I was so worried that someone would say "if you haven't known all your life, than you're probably straight." It's nice to know that other people have struggled to figure out who they are and who they love. It's just hard to be something definitive, it feels so permanent.
     
  10. Posthuman666

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    Hello, I don't think that it is bad to be questioning later in life at all. You could just of started out accepting yourself or never wanted to think about it until now.

    As for labels, they don't really matter. I like to just use "queer" as a label because most people only need to know Im not straight. If you really find comfort in a label, then you could look at romantic vs sexual orientation. You could be a biromantic lesbian, meaning you could date men and women but would only want to have sex with women. You also don't need to look a certain way to be a lesbian, you can dress however you like
     
  11. Starwind78

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    Hm. This is all me, though unlike you, I am still carrying my V card. It is embarrassing, yes, to find out so late in the game, but it doesn't make it any less true.

    People can take years to discover their true sexual orientation, sometimes after marrying and having kids. And I don't mean knowing and simply being closeted out of fear; I mean genuinely believing yourself to be 100% straight.

    I would love to prefer guys too. It would make my life much easier. For a while, I thought I could do just that and keep my same-sex attraction at bay, but it didn't work. And really - is that any way to be happy? Denying such a huge part yourself like that? No, and I think you are starting to come to that conclusion too.
     
  12. Nightdream

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    Look, you don't need to be masculine nor have know it when you were younger to be a lesbian. You also don't need to force yourself to be with men, you shouldn't force yourself to be with women either. Just go on wit what feels right for you and don't care about what society says, you don't have to be masculine, you don't have to be straight, you don't have to know everything about yourself as soon as possible. Just take your time to learn what you really like.