I've identified as bi for most of my "sexually/romantically awakened" years, but I recently-ish got out of a heterosexual relationship and I'm questioning again, because I've had to think about it. And I think that I might be gay. Or at least, I may be bisexual sexually but I might be homo-romantic. Since I'm not sexually active or dating or really socializing all that much, It's harder to tell what I actually dislike or what I actually like, and I guess I just don't fantasize enough about this stuff to really understand my feelings that way. One hand, I could really dig sex with a chiseled masculine dude, but then there's the very big fact that men seem more and more like friendship material to me than romantic partner material. I dunno why, it's like I just feel like I don't need a man, not to function in society, not for sex, not for fixing things or protecting me, like I feel like I can do all of those things just as well or better, so I'd much rather just play video games with him instead haha. Then he can go home when we're done and we can cuddle up to our girlfriends. But I did just end a relationship with a man who was rather feminine in many regards (effeminate appearance, feminine emotionally, more typically feminine behaviour in some regards) and maybe he just wasn't manly enough for me? Idk. It's not why it ended though, we just didn't work, but who knows maybe I'm put off by the thought of another person like him - feminine man or masculine man or otherwise. I was never really attracted to masculine men though, so hey maybe that means something. I'm really confused and need to get my shit sorted before I hurt someone else or myself by realising that my orientation doesn't include their gender.
You remind me a bit of myself in reverse... You're thinking the right way... Is there any way you could make sure whether you're homoromantic? Any thought experiment, movie you could watch, something like that?
Hah, yeah I know right. Us poly-sexual mono-romantic (or whatever exactly it's called) types can't just have it easy working out how we feel can we, haha. I guess I probably need to expose myself to media involving different genders in appealing ways and see what kind of feelings I have towards them. Makes it harder when I'm not even sure I'm 100% cis female lol, I begin to wonder if my feelings are envy or lust. Heck, my feelings towards men might only be due to gender roles ("afabs should be women who like men") and not even my own feelings. Like, there is so much evidence to suggest that my attraction to men is not from my own mind. Like, I know it's wrong when I have these thoughts, but sometimes I have the thought that "he's a guy, he must want me sexually because I'm female" and it's stupid and intrusive and I know it's just my brain being weird and I hate that I have those thoughts pop into my head uninvited and for no reason. Like, sometimes I'll be around a guy and feel the need to be sexually appealing to him even though I'm not at all attracted to him (woah this is like an epiphany moment for me haha). But I don't want men to see me sexually - I want to be one of the guys and them not see me that way - yet those thoughts pop into my head and it's like it's not me, I don't think that way, so if I'm not crazy it must be something else, like maybe heteronormative brainwashing. And, when I have these thoughts about making myself sexually appealing, I'm never attracted to the guy and it's more about gender roles and stereotypes... I played up a female role in my one hetero relationship which lasted 4 years. It wasn't me, I was never that girly. It was like my brain wanted to follow all of the stereotypes because he was a he and I am a "she". Plus I don't know what it's like to be put off imagining yourself being with someone sexually whom you aren't attracted to. As in, I know what to look for to see if I like someone, but I don't know how to tell if I find the thought of doing stuff with that gender unappealing.... Outside of outright disgust. I wouldn't wanna be mid-act with a guy only to realise I'm gay haha... That wouldn't be funny. But at unless I figure out my feeling mentally, I'll have to test myself sooner or later. So yea... how are you even supposed to feel when you don't feel sexual attraction towards a certain gender/expression?
yeah you seem to have a lot of uncertainty about your sexuality. media is a good idea. you can try thinking about yourself with a really nice girl and a really nice guy and compare? it might also be that you're turned off of guys because you had a bad experience?
