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Bisexual urges driving me nuts

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tomgirl, Jun 23, 2015.

  1. Tomgirl

    Regular Member

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    I'm a 31 year old woman who is married with an infant. I discovered I was not completely heterosexual 5 years ago before when I was dating my boyfriend (who became my husband) but fell in love with a close female friend. The friend was straight, I never told her, never took action. I came out to my boyfriend and a few bi/gay friends who all urged me to be polyamorous, which freaked me out. After 6 months of INTENSE questioning, I decided that I was bi, but not poly, and truly preferred monogamy. Out of everyone (of any gender) in the world, I loved my boyfriend the most and we got engaged and then married eventually.

    When my friend moved to a new city, my sexual desires for the same sex went away and I felt completely straight. When she visited, or I visited her, the feeling came back and would last for a short time. After a few years I started to conclude that maybe she is special and perhaps pansexual is a better label for me. But when she is around I have desires for women in general.

    When I was planning my wedding and focusing on my marriage, I felt totally straight, which drove a wedge between my gay/bi friends and I. They always wanted to talk about same-sex urges and I genuinely didn't have any. Then I moved to a small town with a Conservative feel and haven't made more lgbt friends, so I have had to present as straight at work.

    Things leveled out. I mostly desire men in which I have my husband. When I need to fantasize about women, its about once a month, and I just self pleasure, etc.Given that I have never acted on things and am not planning to, I feel like I have a pretty straight life.

    But lately, the feelings have been intense.like steady for the past two weeks, a crazy strong libido, for men and women. It's driving me nuts. It started on my 3rd wedding anniversary, when we went away overnight, and I felt a bit unfulfilled. Ever since, I've been kinda obsessed and its so distracting!

    I don't like porn. But I do like browsing lesbian/bi dating sites and fantasizing about being in emotional/intellectual/physical relationships with the women on those sites. I don't actually want to complicate my marriage, I think I just need to make some lesbian/bi friends nearby. I hope.

    I had no sexual desires at all for close to 6 months after giving birth, so I'm hoping this is just the process of things getting back to normal in my system. I would love to make queer friends but when I'm home with a baby all day, its hard! And most people on dating sites aren't looking for friends.

    I'm open with my husband about my urges but I haven't been fully honest about the browsing of the dating sites. I feel like I'm digging myself into a hole.