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Lesbians attracted to men?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by TheStormInside, Jun 23, 2015.

  1. TheStormInside

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    While I have felt more confident in my orientation for awhile now, I am still struck by doubts as to what my "correct" label should be. I have a lot of confusion about my feelings toward men. I know I am attracted to women. When I imagine myself being with a woman it is pleasant. It's taken me awhile to accept these feelings, but I have been more at peace with them as of late.

    It's my feelings toward men that cause me more discomfort, lately. I have definitely had romantic interest in at least one guy in the past. Other crushes may or may not have been genuine. But what is more puzzling for me now is that I do feel some attraction to men on occasion. It's not as frequent or as strong as it is with women. And the more disconcerting thing is that when I try to imagine myself *with* an attractive guy it just doesn't quite do it for me. Maybe I'll feel a little something, but along with it comes discomfort. And still it doesn't quite compare to the feeling with women.

    Do other women who consider themselves lesbian sometimes have male attractions? Or would that make me bi, even though I don't really want to have sex with men? At this point I consider myself "mostly gay" and don't feel like I want to seek out a relationship with a man, whereas the idea of dating women is more appealing. I do think I want to try to be open to being with a guy if one were to come along that I really connected with, however. Am I just clinging to the possibility that I could be with a guy, and thus "normal"? Or am I bi, but in denial?
     
  2. fxngirl

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    I don't think you're bi (although, of course, I can't tell you what you are). You might be biromantic homosexual or, as you said, you might be leaning sometimes toward guys because it feels "normal". I've been struggling with the same feelings, and I was told that I might mistake closeness or strong friendship for romantic attraction, because it feels more "normal".
     
  3. paris

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    TheStormInside, imagine you have a scale of justice. Now put your feelings towards women to be weighed on the pan on the left side, and then put your feelings towards men on the pan on the right side of the scale. Tell me, what happened? :icon_wink
     
  4. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    This is one of those iffy ones. A lot of lesbians get sucked into compulsory heterosexuality (Feeling that we need to be attracted to men to be safe/normal) and therefore It's not uncommon for us to develop "feelings" for men that aren't really genuine.

    Maybe what you are feeling is simply aesthetic attraction which does not affect sexuality. If you still feel that actually 'being' with a guy does not feel right, it doesn't seem like the attraction is truly geared toward them.
     
  5. siriuslypadfoot

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    The expansion of recognized labels is really great in regards to people being able to have comfort in knowing that they ~are~ something and that there are other people like them. But I feel like sometimes it leads to people unnecessarily questioning their own labels. Don't get me wrong, I think that questioning everything is imperative to healthy personal growth and increased mindfulness, but not when it's causing distress.

    To me, it does not sound like you are bisexual. I am a lesbian and also sometimes feel attraction to men. Remember that sexuality is a spectrum and you fall somewhere on it. There are people who are truly exclusively homo/heterosexual, but most people are going to fall somewhere in between the two, sometimes with an extremeley strong preference (lesbian/gay/straight) and sometimes not (bi/pan).

    If you do get that chance and be with a man, then you can reevaluate your label (I didn't think I was lesbian until I was with a man) if you need to. Personally, I think sexuality has a lot to do with personal preference, rather than strictly attraction to a specific gender(s).

    For now, I'd say just do what makes you the most comfortable with your label. You get to define your own label.
     
  6. YuriBunny

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    I don't think you're bi. I think you're just a lesbian who notices men a little too.
     
  7. ToneDef

    ToneDef Guest

    I question this on a daily basis. It feels good to know I'm not alone. Even though I'm a male.
     
  8. TheStormInside

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    Yeah, maybe so. The one guy I had a strong crush on was someone I was friends with for a long time.

    Interesting exercise. Well, the side with women is much lower (heavier) than the side with men.

    Yeah. I tend to feel more at ease considering myself gay, but then sometimes I worry I am misidentifying myself, and that I should be open about the fact that I do find some men attractive, and therefore should consider myself bi. It's quite confusing.

    I don't really understand what aesthetic attraction means, and how it's different from sexual attraction. But maybe it's one of those things where, someone's just plain attractive. For example, a male friend of mine joked recently "I don't care what your orientation is, EVERYONE is into Chris Pratt," saying even he, a straight guy, finds Chris Pratt attractive. Personally I don't go for Chris Pratt, heh, but very pretty men like Kit Harrington (Jon Snow) do get my attention sometimes and might even make me feeling a little bit aroused.

    On the other hand, I get paranoid sometimes. I suppressed my attraction to women for so long, I'm worried I might be suppressing my male attractions, too :eusa_doh:. It's just hard to trust your feelings when it's so clear you can convince yourself of what you want to hear for a very long while.

    I have had some crushes on guys, but only one of them was very strong. The others I think I may have forced the interest a bit. Sort of like objectively weighing our compatibility and "deciding" I liked them. Still, though I did get myself worked up in interest. I suppose that is likely what you mean by compulsory heterosexuality? It's probably worth noting that while I wanted to be with those guys in a dating and spending time together sense, I still didn't want a physical relationship with any of them. It was the sort of thing I was willing to do for their sakes but could sort of take or leave on my own end.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2015 at 02:04 PM ----------

    Thanks, this makes a lot of sense. It also helps to know that another gay-identified woman sometimes has male attractions. I don't know any lesbians in person and I worry about having my label questioned, or appearing like I'm "lying" if I say I am lesbian, but sometimes I notice a hot dude. I have been for awhile thinking I am probably Kinsey 5, and therefore in that "in between" space between gay and bi. Most often I've been at ease with it, but occasionally my doubts and distress flare up again.

    Thanks, YuriCore, you're probably right. I guess sometimes I just feel insecure when I see lesbians on this site saying "I never even entertained the thought of a guy" or "I only ever ever ever notice women." I suppose we're not all the same, though.

    I'm glad I'm also not alone. I think especially for those of us who are maybe in the "middle ground" or in between labels it can be hard to feel confident in one.
     
  9. Oh Lilac

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    You're not alone! I have male attraction on plenty of occasions... But sex with men is not what I prefer.