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What is asexuality and how do you know if you are asexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Manicpanicx, Jun 24, 2015.

  1. Manicpanicx

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    I've always identified as a lesbian because it was the easiest thing to do, but really when I think about it I feel like my sexuality is a giant mess. I was attracted to girls from a young age but it was always more in a romantic sense than a sexual sense. I dated two girls over the course of my high school years, both of whom I was intimate with but even then I always gave and didn't receive because I felt uncomfortable. I don't know whether it was my general anxiety and self esteem issues preventing me from exposing myself to them or something else, but they went along with it and that was that. It's not like I don't ever get horny because I do, a lot, but I don't find the need to hook up with random people (or rather just can't find the will to if I'm not physically/emotionally attracted to a person), which seems like a lot of people my age do.

    Aaand then there's the confusion I feel about my gender :eusa_clap

    I started dressing like a guy when I was really young because I wanted to be one. The dysphoria I experienced for years was unbearable but I felt like there was nothing I could do about it because I come from a country that is, (although modern and metropolitan in most ways) still pretty backwards about the acceptance of LGBT people, and I thought my life would be ruined because of it. It wasn't until I left and moved to the States last year that I began to learn more about the LGBT community and trans people etc. in general. It was life changing. Yet, because of years of oppression, I get uncomfortable when sometimes people accidentally call me "him" when they can't figure out my gender. I've never felt more confused in my life.

    Does anyone have a clue about what's going on here and could you help me to understand a little more about it maybe?
     
  2. Kodo

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    The website [​IMG]can explain asexuality far better than I can here. It's quite informative.

    As to gender, that one is a bit more complicated. I would probably need more information to give an educated response. Feel free to write on my wall if you'd like and I'll help wherever I can.

    When it comes to being transgender, I only have my own personal account of what that feels like. And that I have written down in [​IMG], which appeared elsewhere on EC. You by no means have to read it, but that's about as good as I can explain when it comes to gender identity.

    Regards,
    -Rhys-
     
  3. SimplyJay

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    On your question in the thread title
    ^basically saying you feel no sexual attraction towards anyone regardless if they are male or female...


    From that, sounds like you might be demi-sexual which is defined as:

    You could be trans, but as you said "because of years of oppression" your mind is fighting it (could even be subconsciously, so you don't even realize its happening) .. other members should be better able to answer this one than me though.
     
    #3 SimplyJay, Jun 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
  4. Manicpanicx

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    Hey, those links don't work and I tried posting on your wall but I can't seem to as I'm a new user. I'd love to read about your experiences being trans though. If you could direct me to the post that'd be awesome!
     
  5. Nightdream

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    It's pretty likely that you're not comfortable having this kind of intimacy with women because of your gender issues. Many trans people have difficult having sex with other people because of that reason. Now, for your original question. You know you're asexual when you don't have any interest in having sex with other people, no matter what.
     
  6. Chip

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    OK, on the question of asexuality, there are two completely different interpretations or definitions of the word "asexuality.'

    One definition is widely used and recognized, has been validated by research, studies, and is accepted by virtually everyone credible in the field. That definition holds that someone who is asexual does not have any sexual attraction to anyone. Further, asexuality, according to the accepted and widely used definition, is a hardwired condition (meaning, it does not change, any more than heterosexuality or homosexuality can change) and it is exceedingly rare.

    The overwhelming majority of people who call themselves asexual are not, in fact, asexual according to the above widely accepted definition, and, in most of these (self-identified/self-diagnosed cases, the "asexuality" is actually not a hardwired condition but, instead, a complex mix of emotional and psychological conditions usually caused by some combination of depression, anxiety, or family-of-origin issues. Because these cases are essentially conditioned (or side-effects of other issues) and not hardwired, they can very effectively be addressed with therapy, and the normal sexual attraction (and all of the positive and fulfilling experiences that come with that) will return when the issues are addressed. So common sense says that since this is the most likely circumstance, it makes sense to first explore if there's something suppressing the sexual attraction/drive before deciding that one is asexual.

    There's a second definition of asexual, one propagated by a small but vocal group of people. This definition has no basis whatsoever in science, research, clinical study, or psychology, and is not widely accepted by anyone other than the small group that has self-defined it based on their own crowdsourced definition. The definition itself is hard to pin down because, again, there's nothing to actually ground it to, and almost nobody credible in the field uses that definition (it is also, unfortunately, the definition promoted on the various websites created by this small-but-vocal group.)

    So the choice is entirely yours which definition, and which group you identify with.

    However... all of the politicking aside, from what you're describing, you likely do not fit the widely accepted definition of asexual (though the non-scientific group would probably welcome you with open arms.) It's overwhelmingly likely that the anxiety you're experiencing is getting in the way of truly understanding your sexual orientation. IF that's the case, then you'll probably have a much easier time understanding where you fall on the spectrum if you first address the psychological issues going on and work through the underlying cause of the anxiety and discomfort with the idea of being sexually involved. That's certainly not a hardwired trait and is most certainly something you can change.

    So it may not be what you want to hear, but the best bet might be to simply not worry about the label right now, and put your energy into exploring yourself and understanding what's going on that's standing in the way of your feeling whole, calm, and comfortable. Once you have the chance to work with that, I think it's a near-certainty that the rest will fall into place pretty easily.
     
  7. Manicpanicx

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    Thanks guys, your responses have all been really helpful!