I know that there are a lot of threads already made about questioning their sexual orientation, and some of them are almost exactly the same as my situation. However, I didn't want to highjack their thread, so I decided to make my own. I apologize in advance, because my post will most likely be lengthy... I'm going to start from the beginning so I can give you a better idea of my situation... When I was little (before I knew about sex, and gender identity) I would try to impress girls, and I always wanted in on what the guys were doing. I loved sports (still do), I loved to play fight and wrestle, and I loved to be the one who wasn't afraid to get dirty. As I got older, I started looking at both girls and boys. However, my heart would beat faster if I looked at a girl, which always confused me. I spoke to a friend of mine about it and she asked me if I was lesbian or bisexual, to which I denied and then berried my feelings. I was bullied a lot while I was younger, and didn't need to give them more ammo. (This friend that I mentioned also ended up being my worst bully... but that's a different story.) Anywho, these feelings would come up again, and then I'd bury them again... I was interested in boys, so I decided to just focus on them because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I never thought being with a girl was an option. I've only ever dated, kissed, and slept with men. But I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be with a woman? I remember telling myself "One day." I didn't really know what that meant at the time, lol I just said it to myself to make myself feel better. I'd also have tons of dreams where I'd have sex with woman, and got really confused as to why I'd be having these dreams... Now, I can't stop thinking about the possibility of being with a woman. I've been thinking about it non stop, to the point where I got physically sick worrying about it. I currently have a boyfriend who I love very much, I just have no interest in having sex. I used to... but not any more. Sex has always hurt me, and now it just feels more like work? I also really dislike male ejaculation (no offense to anyone!), and every time I would have sex, I'd be anxious and worry about getting pregnant by accident. I have no interest in getting pregnant at all, and I really don't want to take birth control. I was diagnosed with vaginismus and my doctor gave me some things to try to make it go away, but I honestly have no interest in trying to fix it. On a side note, there are also a few separate things that I feel are missing in my relationship with my boyfriend, but that's a different story... He's an amazing person though, and was totally open and accepting of these feelings that I'm having, and told me he'd give me all the space I need as I try to find answers to how I'm feeling. He even promised that he'd still be here as my best friend, if we ended up breaking up... All I know is that I'm very interested in what it would be like to be with a woman romantically, and sexually. Part of me is really afraid, though... Is that normal? I'm just extremely confused right now, and I don't know what to do. I'm currently waiting to hear back from my counselor who has referred me to a sexual orientation counselor she knows... But in the mean time, I thought I'd seek help here? Thank you for reading. <3
