Sooooo this got long, so a huge thanks to anyone who is able to read the whole thing and respond with... anything. I'm super confused and I just... don't really know what to do. I feel so alone. I have such a hard time talking about things. Writing it out is easier. At one point I thought I had my sexual orientation all sorted out, and yet here I am, completely and utterly confused. When I first realized I was attracted to girls, I kind of shrugged it off and ignored it until I was about 16, when I came to terms with the idea of being bisexual. I think I just assumed that I was also attracted to guys too, because that was the default. That was normal. I never really told anyone that I was bi. I grew up in a pretty conservative area, in a religious family, and went to a high school where nobody was openly gay, so I didn't really feel comfortable being open about it. I started being a little more open when I moved across the country for uni, but even then I didn't really act on my attraction to girls. I'm kind of super socially awkward, and bad at flirting, and had(have?) no idea where to meet other girls that like girls. Also, the thought that I might end up in a serious relationship and have to come out to my parents terrified me (and still does). I did make a 'friend' that was a lesbian, but she was kind of a shitty human being and was always putting me down and invalidating my sexuality because I labelled myself as bi, and after that I became even more self conscious about my sexual orientation. I have had crushes on guys in the past, but looking back I always had to talk myself in to them. I had one crush throughout all of highschool, and it came about because high school girls like to talk about boys and I decided that I should probably have one to talk about too. At the very end of grade 12 I actually had a boyfriend, because he expressed interest in me and I felt that it would be a good opportunity to get some sexual experience so that I didn't go off to uni as a clueless virgin. Kissing was ok but the few times he tried to go beyond that I was kind of repulsed, and I broke it off fairly quickly. I actually briefly questioned if I was a lesbian at that point, but shrugged it off and figured I just wasn't attracted to that particular guy. Later there was a guy who I thought that I should, logically, be attracted to, and I was really upset when I couldn't make myself feel attracted to him. In second year uni I met what should have been the perfect guy. I noticed him at first because he was just a really cool and awesome human being, and then another girl(who I actually happened to have a huuuuuuuuge crush on) pointed out some of his attractive features and I was like 'oh yeah, I guess I could date this guy'. Also, our friends had this notion that we were perfect for eachother and were super invested in getting us together. I was hugely infatuated for a while, and I was excited for an opportunity to finally experience sex! Woo! When it came it was ok and a little uncomfortable, but I chalked that up to my inexperience and figured it would get better with time. It didn't, really, but I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Instead it got harder to enjoy, once the novelty started wearing off I suppose, but it was still tolerable both because it started getting pretty infrequent(we're both doing pretty intense degrees at uni and he went home to work over the past two summers), and because I adore him and trust him more than anyone. I'm not sure if I can say I love him... it just doesn't feel right. But we share an incredibly deep bond and just vibe really well together. But the past five months or so I've hardly been able to bring myself to have sex with him at all, and it's been noticeable because we've had time to be around each other more often. I blamed it on stress from school at first, but the situation didn't improve once the semester was over. I managed to work myself up to sex a few times... but it's really not something I wanted to keep doing. It felt awful, and I couldn't really figure out why. I kept wondering what was wrong with me. Then, about a week ago, the thought 'holy shit I'm so gay' crossed my mind. And by 'crossed' I mean 'hit me like a tonne of bricks'. It felt like this huge moment of clarity. It felt so real. I immediately started telling myself that that was a really silly idea and obviously not true(evidence:3 year relationship with a guy), and yet I couldn't shake it. Once I started really thinking about it and looking back on things, it actually made a lot of sense. The vast majority of my sexual fantasies have always been about women, I often imagine being in a relationship with one, and what I would consider my more 'authentic' crushes have been on women. But the idea also scared me so much that before now I've never let myself think about it seriously. And now, I seem to have reached a breaking point where I need to deal with these feelings, one way or another. After a few days of excruciating emotional turmoil, I realized that I should probably break up with my bf, both for his sake and mine. I realized that I need time to really explore my attraction to women, and that's not something I can do within the confines of a monogamous relationship with a man. If I'm being honest this isn't the first time my same sex attraction and my longing to explore it has been bothering me while in this relationship, but before I always pushed it aside and told myself it didn't matter because I was in a great relationship already. But I can't seem to just brush it aside this time. So I went ahead and broke up with him, and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know that he loves(loved?) me, and it was so hard to hurt him like that. In the end it went better than expected, although I could hardly even get the words out to explain what was going on. I just kind of freeze up when I have to talk about personal/emotionally difficult topics. We're still on friendly terms. Now, I'm doubting myself again. I liked the idea of us as a couple. We were pretty badass. I keep wondering if I made a mistake. What if there was still hope for a sexual relationship? What if I could make it work? Make myself enjoy it? Maybe I jumped to conclusions too quickly. I like the idea of us growing old together. But I'm so young, only 21. Maybe I could make a relationship work without sex? But I know it wouldn't work, for either of us. Deep down I know that ending our relationship was best for both of us. But we could have been great together. He should have been perfect.
The way you put it, it sounds like you were influenced by others, and forced yourself to be "attracted" to men. I think you might be a lesbian. But don't let me label you! You decide who you are. If you seriously have feelings for men, then your probably bi. (*hug*)
It sounds as though you could be a lesbian. Don't let anybody influence you into being 'attracted' to men if you really aren't. I suggest exploring a bit with a woman though. Nobody can label you but yourself. If you want to label yourself as a lesbian, you can. If you want to label yourself as bisexual, go for it. It's all about how you feel and who you are attracted to and that is something nobody else can tell you. As for you and your ex, don't try to force yourself into a relationship no matter how perfect it should have been. It seems as though you have strong platonic feelings for him, although not an actual attraction. Anyways, I hope this helped even in the slightest. Good luck!
I think you should stop wishing you could be just like other girls with their boyfriends and let it go with the flow, meaning, have sex with who you want to and don't have with anyone you don't want to. Just go ahead and have fun with it, stop trying to be the person people want you to be. Do it and all your doubts will go away, just built more self esteem.
It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do. If you tried it and it just doesn't, it doesn't work. I would say maybe you had a chance if you loved (but you say you don't) or if you didn't have an overwhelming attraction to women. If you feel pretty certain you are a lesbian, it's probably better you broke it up now rather than hurt him worse in the long run. And don't let other people tell you who you are. I've had this seem questioning feelings before. But what made me realize that I'm (mostly likely) bisexual and not a lesbian is that I've had genuine crushes on boys before and felt attracted to them. I've never slept with a boy, but I can still tell I'm attracted to them. It sounds like you've never had those feelings to begin with.
Thanks for all the responses guys. I've been so lost in my own thoughts that I can't think straight anymore, so hearing other opinions really helps. I really do need to stop trying to live based on other people's expectations, and start living for myself. But I guess it's easier said than done >.<
I think you're lesbian but you feel pressured to like guys so you're pretending to like them. You shouldn't let others pressure you like that. I understand how it is though because for awhile I denied the fact that I had some level of attraction to guys so it was difficult realizing that I was bi. It's like how you said you just shrugged off your attraction to girls. I did the same thing for awhile, except with guys. But I've come to terms with it, and it has made me a happier person.
I think whether you end up deciding you like women or women and men, you did the right thing breaking up with him to figure it out. You are young enough to find a person you are also a great couple with, but that you like more than the 'idea' of being with. I can understand having those feelings. I wondered that about my own relationship in my early 20s and again this last year. I am definitely happy in my marriage, but I do wish I had explored my sexuality more early on. You can read more on my blog. Good luck!
I think that's just it. Regardless of the outcome, if I don't take time to figure things out I will always wonder, and it will make me miserable. Although I was thinking about it more and realized that, at least at this point in time, I have no interest whatsoever in being in another relationship with a man. So maybe I already kind of know what my answer will be, but then there's the whole matter of coming to terms with it and being ok with it... There's still a part of me that is thoroughly uncomfortable with the idea of maybe being a lesbian. I read your blog and your situation sounds like a tough one. I really hope you're able to figure something out that's satisfying for everyone
That part is totally how I feel. I feel that I just assumed that I would eventually develop feelings for men because that's what's normal in our society. I also think it's unfair that the label of "straight" is put on you by default. I never asked to be labeled straight and it's never what I would have labeled myself. In high school and college I didn't have it figured out, and now I feel like I'm stuck with a label I didn't choose and that doesn't fit me....but changing it seems so definitive. What if I do meet "the right guy?" Now I've completely changed the way society views me if I come out. Staying in the closet seems safe because straight is more accepted, but I'm learning that I'd rather be unaccepted by a few people and be happy than be accepted by everyone and be unhappy.
I dealt with the same things as you. It really does sound like you are attracted to women and people just pressured you into liking guys. I even just recently noticed I was a lesbian after I had been calling myself bisexual so long. I wish you good luck!
I'm dealing with the same. However, I've been with the same man since I was 15. I am now 37. You cannot make the relationship work if the sex is bad or infrequent. I too have to work myself up to have sex with my husband and it hard. It won't get easier and your desires become harder to hold back. I have been having fantasies about women since I was in elementary school! And recently I have been trying to accept myself. I find myself out and about with my husband and friends and I am constantly looking at the women. It's hard to hide it from the group I'm with. I dream about being able to approach a woman and ask her out! The thought of it thrills me! Don't deny yourself at this early point in your life! Explore! Find your lesbian self. The worst that can happen is you don't like it and go back to men. But at least you'll know. Hope this helps.
Thanks BlueEyes321, it's definitely really helpful to hear from someone older and wiser who is in a similar situation. Hearing about your situation makes it easier to believe that I've actually made the right choice in breaking up with my bf. I'm still having trouble shaking of that last little bit of doubt.
Hello! i feel the same way you feel. I had an ex bf that i didnt really totally give myself to, but i loved him very deeply that i stayed, until we eventually brokeup for other reasons. i saw this video of this woman coming out and saying how with men she could never entirely give herself and it deeply resonated with me. i haven't had the opportunity to go out and explore, because i am petrified that i will know that that is it, I am putting it out hoping that it really isn't and that all this anguish is just, pressure from myself.. I am so scared, and so in denial. This is not the life I wanted for myself and now i am all consumed by this thought.Im very anxious and wake up feeling so distraught. I initially labeled myself bisexual, and the label didnt quite feel right and gay appealed and fit better. The problem is though, i haven't even tried it to know. So that is even more confusing, can you know even if you have never tried? Why is it giving me so much anxiety. For you have you made any attempts, what is your heart speaking to you? together.:eusa_doh:
