I've already posted a similar thing once but I'm still really struggling and could do with some help. I first thought I might be bisexual when I was in my teens and kissed quite a few girls at parties. I then entered a serious relationship with a guy when I was 16 and I've been with him since (lived with him for nearly 3 years now). I've identified as being entirely straight, until the past few months. I watched TV series like Orange is the new black and the L word and found the lesbian scenes a turn on...I also started to watch more lesbian porn than before and found that straight fantasies are now much less appealing. I've also started looking at girls in a different way, imaging myself with them and enjoying the idea - I even had (what I think was) a small crush on my brother's friend. I found myself wanting to spend time with her alone, touch her, kiss her...But I don't know if these are just fantasies or whether I might actually be bisexual. I don't think I'm gay as I still find men attractive but I'm just not sure. The additional problem is with my boyfriend. He knows I'm having these thoughts and he is supportive but obviously I can't explore the idea without cheating on him and I also don't want to use any woman as some form of sexual experiment. I'm not sure whether I'm having these thoughts because I'm unhappy in my relationship and I'm seeking any form of passion or intimacy...or whether these feelings are real because I'm starting to look at other people again because the relationship isn't going well. I still love my boyfriend very much, he's kind and sweet and funny...but we don't have a lot in common and although there is a lot of cuddling and kissing, there's not much in the sex department which I'm finding difficult as I have quite a high sex drive. He's just started treatment for depression (which I also suffer from) and I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about this and maybe about breaking up but he is very against it and he doesn't know what he'd do without me - I am pretty much all he has and I'm finding that really quite stressful. I want to explore my sexuality and the possibility that I might be bi but I just don't know how. Is it possible to know without actually being with a woman? am I just seeking any form of connection because I'm unhappy in my relationship? I don't think I can break up with my partner even though I know I need to. I feel trapped and scared. I'm also worried that if I'm bi and fall in love with a woman, what does that mean for the future? I've always had this idea of a husband and a family in which our children share genes from both of us...I love the idea of a child being something unique but made from you and the one you love...which isn't possible for two women. I'm so confused Any help, advice, similar stories would be greatly appreciated!
Well, if you've tried talking to him about the possibility of breaking up, and he's given you reasons why you cant, that's manipulation and might be emotional abuse.. Try to remember you have to do what is right for you, not anyone else. Feeling trapped and scared in a relationship is major red flags As far as figuring it out for sure, how I did was I googled lesbian porn to see if that turned me on, it did, so I assumed I was into girls with no need to use anyone as an expiriment. And, as far as the last concern, it is theoretically possible to create a baby with one woman's egg and another woman's bone marrow. It would only create female babies, and I think we're a while out from that being a real thing, but if you do fall in love with a woman, the family part of things would work itself out
What if it isn't right for me? What if I break up with him...Which would completely change my life and change everything and then find out I'm not bi and still want to be with him? Not sure how likely that is but still. If I broke up with him I'd have to give up my jobs or guinea pigs (either move home with parents or move to a different place where it would be unlikely that they'd accept the pigs). I just don't know what is best
Well, you can always try figuring out your sexuality the way I did, which might help part of your conundrum. As far as your relationship.. I guess to me even if you are bi whether you should be with him depends on whether your relationship actually works. If it does, then you should be with him. If it doesn't, you shouldn't, even if you are strait.
Yeah I do watch lesbian porn and it definitely turns me on. But I know girls who watch lesbian porn who wouldn't have a relationship with a woman...but I don't know if I would like that...But I want to try it. The relationship is definitely complicated. It works on some levels but not all, but I feel completely unable to break up with him. As I said, I tried and it just didn't work.. :/
Hi Nonagon, There are actually two questions here. a) Your current relationship Let's imagine for a moment that you break up with your boyfriend and then find out you aren't quite as bi as you thought. Even if you aren't bi, chances are the breakup will still have been a good thing. You don't sound extremely happy in your relationship, and his behavior -- not letting you break up? -- is a little concerning. Any relationship where one person is "all the other has" does not sound healthy to me. I understand that you love your boyfriend, and that love is a promise and a commitment -- but you are allowed to fall out of love. You are allowed to end a relationship that is no longer satisfying you. Of course, that's your decision to make. I can't tell you to break up or not. I don't know you and your boyfriend. You have to ask yourself whether the relationship is still making you happy. And if it isn't, is it something you can fix, or not? It sounds like you have a hard choice to make if you do break up (job vs pets). But you shouldn't stay in a lifelong relationship for the guinea pigs' sake. First, decide what you would want to do if the pigs and your job weren't at risk. Then if the answer is break up, find a way to make it work for you. Is there really no possibility to move somewhere they'd accept guinea pigs? b) Your orientation Yes, there is a way to know without being with a woman. Many, many people figure it out without ever being with someone, the same way many straight people know they're straight without first needing to kiss the opposite gender. Your orientation is defined by the people you're attracted to: people you'd want to kiss, maybe sleep with; people you want to have a relationship with and love; people you get crushes on. Examine your attractions, and you'll have your answer. From your post, you do come off as bi, but only you can really know. I wouldn't think about things like children right now. You'll want to think about that before you enter a serious relationship with a woman, but right now, I think the main point is understanding your orientation, not projecting yourself into "what if?" scenarios.
There are ways to explore your sexuality without cheating on your boyfriend. One of the best ways to do that is to watch Porn. I know it's not exactly the most realistic thing but if it turns you on in some way then it may be a sign. You also should question yourself. Would you have sex with a woman? Would you marry a woman? Would you be able to commit yourself to a woman? It's also good to question your relationship with your boyfriend. Is he someone you see yourself spending the rest of your life with? Someone you would want to carry your children? It's hard to explore your sexuality if you aren't sure you want a relationship sadly unless you're willing to give up your relationship with your boyfriend. That's why I recommend watching porn or watching videos about female couples and see how you feel. Luckily girls can actually carry children that have DNA from both parents by way of taking bone marrow from one woman. :icon_bigg
So a little bit more from me, one thing to consider about orientation is sexual orientation and romantic orientation can be different. I.e. You can be sexually attracted to women (it sounds like you are to me) but that doesn't mean you'd ever want a relationship with one. Also, just like guys, just because you're into women doesn't mean you're into all women, so sometimes there are failed relationships, it's a part of life
It is possible to know without actually being with a woman. That's all fine if you are fully content in your relationship. Of course all relationships have ups and downs, it's not all perfect, and I'm not one to advocate throwing away a largely good relationship. But if you feel something is missing, if something is nagging at you inside that you feel the need to explore, then that nag may well get more and more intrusive. So an issue is, if you come to a point where you know you are bi, then will just knowing be enough. You got together with your bf quite young, it's normal that you may want to explore. As difficult as that may be to resolve within a committed relationship, it's not your fault and you owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy. You don't need to rush this. Sometimes these things take time and coming to terms with sexuality is often a process. My heart is with you, it's awful to go through this doubt and be true when you really don't want to hurt someone and you care for them. But from my own experience, don't underestimate the power that the fear of the unknown, the 'what ifs', can have in making you unhappy and confused in the long term. The answer to the doubt is to listen to your gut and go with it. It may well be that you decide being with your bf will make you happiest. However, if a time comes when your gut feeling is shouting at you to free yourself, then be brave and follow it. You wont regret it. ETA: Also, no one gets to their deathbed and wishes they spent more time at work. Go with your heart on this one.
Thanks guys. I really appreciate the advice and support. I'm pretty sure I need to break up with him because that's what my guy says and I'm just not happy. I'm also pretty sure I want to explore these feelings I have, the idea of breaking up with him brings this sense of relief and freedom (as well as extreme guilt and sadness). I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Everytime I talk about it it makes sense, but when I'm with him I just can't I'm really suffering with all this uncertainty and inability to make a decision
Yeah, normally, I would say you are giving in to temptation and this will pass. But if you are possibly more lesbian than straight, than well..yeah. You probably should break up. Honestly, It's hard to say, from my experience, if you are simply bisexual, once you explore and things come to pass, you might regret it all and wish you had stayed. and it will hit you harder once you see him with another woman, and then it's too late. But hey, hypothetical, but the part of him being with another woman, and you losing your chance forever is probably real. So I guess all I am saying, is, be sure this is what you want. Don't be a jerk who thinks it is okay to break up with someone and then try to get them back after the emotional pain you have caused them. Keep your distance and stay there, ya know? This is for the sake of both of you. Maybe down the road you can re-connect and be friends and all that. but for the time being, let him move on entirely.
