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Having trouble with labels - not straight, not bi

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mmmelody, Jun 28, 2015.

  1. mmmelody

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    Hey guys. Newbie here :eusa_danc

    I've recently come to accept the fact that I am not straight. It's been a long time coming - I've always known I was attracted to women, but the idea of being not-straight scared me for a while. I think living in New York and meeting people all over the rainbow spectrum helped me feel more comfortable with myself.

    I'm only out to my younger sister, but I'm not thinking about coming out quite yet. First, I want to know if there's a name for what I am, exactly.

    I'm not straight, but I'm attracted to men a slight majority of the time, so I don't think I'm totally bi, either. I've taken a few online Kinsey scale quizzes and they keep churning out "mostly heterosexual," but I really don't like that label. It's clunky and long and I don't feel like it represents me. It sounds like I'm trying to defend myself. "Oh, I mean, I like girls but I'm MOSTLY heterosexual, I swear."

    One other thing - I've never had a serious relationship. I've dated two guys, neither of whom became boyfriends, and I just had my first kiss (with a guy) a few months ago. The thing is, while I'm attracted to them, guys terrify me. I'm basically the female version of Raj from The Big Bang Theory - I can't talk to them unless there's alcohol in me, which there rarely is. Pretty much all of my friends are girls, and I just understand girls and get along with them so much better. When I'm talking to guys I just freeze up and get super awkward.

    I've also never had a romantic/sexual experience with a woman. I just know that I'm both sexually and romantically attracted to them somewhere between 30-40% of the time.

    So, like...I'm confused about a lot of things, but I guess my questions are: what label could I fall under? Do I need to have a relationship with a guy first? (I KNOW that's a stupid question, but part of me feels like I should. Just because...idk, I thought I was straight for a long time? Maybe people won't believe i'm not totally gay unless I show them I actually can get a boyfriend, since i've never had one? I don't even know why my brain is doing this) and how would I even start a relationship with a girl if I wanted to? (I can barely flirt with men as it is)

    Sorry for the confusing post. Just putting it all out there. :help: Thank you!
     
    #1 mmmelody, Jun 28, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2015
  2. swagmaster

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    I guess im bi.
    Most of the women i find atractive are kinda tomboyish though.
    I like a wider range of men.
     
  3. Tomgirl

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    This makes me so happy! I'm whatever you are!! I'm 31 and have been searching for a label too. I go with pansexual when I have too, but I don't like it. My straight friends say I'm straight and that my homo feelings aren't a big deal, my queer friends say I'm bi and I should shout it from the roofs tops. I just read a Greek dictionary tonight and I like idiosexual (idio means unique to the individual) whicheans I'm attracted to people not genders, but it sounds less promiscuous than bisexual or pansexual.

    Yes, I also prefer tomboys.
     
  4. darkcomesoon

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    You definitely don't have to be 50-50 to be bi. Liking more than one gender is all it takes to "qualify". From what you've described, it sounds to me like you are bi with a preference for guys. That's totally common and completely valid.

    You definitely don't need to be with a guy to know. You can know who you're attracted to without being in a relationship or sleeping with them. Ignore the people who don't believe you. They are wrong, not you.
     
  5. swagmaster

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    Okay
     
  6. biAnnika

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    Yup, agreed.

    I don't get the "totally bisexual" notion. The OP sounds like a Kinsey 2 to me...bisexual with a preference for men. You *could* call that "mostly heterosexual"...but I think "bi with a preference for men" is more accurate to what you describe. I'm exactly on the other side of that (bisexual with a preference for women)...been with a female partner for 29 years, and have no trouble whatsoever identifying as bisexual, because damn it, I am!
     
  7. Juli

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    To simplify it, you could call yourself panromantic, meaning that you find yourself in romantic attractions without necessarily being sexually attracted to someone. Maybe you could say you're pansexual. Perhaps you like queer, which pretty much covers everybody not straight.
     
  8. biAnnika

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    Oops, sorry...I didn't note that the OP lists herself as pansexual. I still think the Kinsey 2 rating fits what she's describing...just change "bi with preference" to "pansexual with preference" above.