So, I'd like to talk about the term 'stone butch'. For those who don't know, a stone butch is described as 'a lesbian who does not liked to be touched sexually'. Obviously there are different 'levels' to this, from women who just don't like penetration, to women who also dislike oral stimulation and even find having their breasts touched uncomfortable. There are many reasons why someone would feel this way, some people argue women disliked to be touched sexually because they have experienced sexual trauma, others may be self-conscious, some feel it's emasculating, and others simply find the sensation uncomfortable. I'm a stone butch myself, and I've been trying to read-up on the topic, with little findings. Personally I just don't often find being touched sexually, pleasurable. I have no body conscious issues, no traumatic past, I just find the feeling of being penetrated physically uncomfortable. I have no real desire to be touched 'down there'. When I fantasise about sex, I'm always the one 'performing'. That's just how I like it. My girlfriend of five years found this hard to understand at first, she thought she was 'doing something wrong'. Which simply wasn't the case, it was my 'programming' not to like it! She has since become more open to the idea, that, that's just how I am. People ask 'how is sex pleasurabale for me?'. Well, I get pleasure from satisfying my partner. That's what gets me off! Is there anyone here that understands this? That feels the same? Is this common? How would you explain how you feel to a partner? Should I consider trying to change? Do people see this as being 'selfish'?
Hello, I'm not stone but I've had a lot of sex with one, so I can give you a different perspective. Also, I do understand this somewhat. It's really hot to get other people off and look at how happy they are from what I did to them. Ideally, I'd prefer reciprocation, but it's really an amazing thing to see what you can do to people (I don't know how to word that less creepily sorry). That person just explained it to me as they were a giver and I was more than happy to just go with it. I made sure the first few times because I wanted to be polite and make sure that it was really okay with them, and then I dropped it. Really just saying that you get pleasure from giving them pleasure should be enough, I think that's a simple enough concept for most people to understand. I wouldn't consider trying to change unless you want to. If you're perfectly content with how things are going now, I don't think there's any reason to change anything. I don't know how anyone could possibly construe being stone as selfish. I think it's the most selfless thing there is when it comes to sex.
I'm stone as well. I was never abused and I relate to everything you said. It is far more pleasurable to simply touch someone else!
Thank you so much for your reply! The different perspective is definitely helpful, as I do worry what my partner thinks of this, so thanks again! Not creepy at all! And I'm glad you understand the satisfaction you can receive from giving someone else pleasure. It really is 'the ultimate sex act' to me, I don't crave reciprocation. I really admire that you didn't push (her?) into anything she didn't really like. Like persuade her that she'd want it eventually. And I'm happy with who I am, and have no urge to change at all. Well I thought it was pretty selfless too, until I heard people saying it was unfair they couldn't do the same as their partner did to them. My partner moans about not being able to touch me 'down there' very often....which makes me feel guilty. And which lead me to post this. Your comment has helped put my mind at rest though! ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2015 at 03:27 AM ---------- Thanks for taking the time to comment, I'm glad I'm not alone, and that others feel the same!
He ended up coming out as trans a while after we broke up, and doesn't really have a pronoun pref for past tense, so I was just using they. I'm a lil selfish too, so I didn't have much of a problem with having to do literally nothing and still get off. I guess it's just a preference thing though. There are plently of people out there who would be more than happy to be with a stone butch imo. I'm glad I could help though. )
I can't relate, but I have heard of stone butches before. I don't know if I could be happy with a stone butch, long term. Okay, you get off on giving, but giving is a big part of sex for me, too. (Maybe that's where the "selfish" perspective comes from.) I'm fine with it not being give-and-take every session, but if I couldn't do it ever again, it wouldn't make me any happier than it would make you if you couldn't give. I love getting my partner off, too. It also depends on what I'm allowed to touch or not. Running my hands over my girlfriend's body when we are making out is instinct for me, and I like it. So we'd talk about it and I think we might realize we were just sexually incompatible, and that's okay. Happens. But, as to whether you should consider trying to change... If you're happy, then no. If you think you can change (which isn't a given, I imagine) and it would make you happier and your relationship stronger, well, you could try. But only if you want to, really. I don't think it's selfish, though. I mean, if someone hates being touched, I wouldn't want them to grit their teeth and bear it for me. I would feel awful and, well, like a rapist (if I knew). And if I didn't know, well, there would be a serious communication/honesty/openness problem in the relationship. It's not selfishness, but it may be a compatibility issue.
I see, of course Haha, that's fair enough!! And I don't see that as selfish, as long as your partenr is happy! Well, that's good news, I hope you're roght! Thanks again! ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2015 at 09:22 PM ---------- Thanks for your reply. I understand its hard for most people to relate to, and that a lot of people would consider it selfish. And I completely understand the desire to give, and that most individuals wouldn't want to give that up. I do respect the other perspective, and totally agree with what you said! (Well personally for me, it's mostly penetration that bothers me, I don't mind other things, I just would rather not be touched 'down there'. But I love having my body touched still!) I think you make a great point, the most important thing is that we (partners) are compatible together. Not everyone is, and that's okay! Id be happy to try, I have done before, but with no change. I'm glad you see it that way too, that's exactly how I feel, particularly as it can be painful (physicaly) for me. Thank you for your take on this, it's actually really helped!
I have dated and know some Stone Butches. It's crap about trauma, or emotional issues making people Stone. It is a valid sexuality, and often Stone Butches will partner with Stone Femmes who get this and are happy to receive and not give. Many Stones struggle with their partners to explain how they enjoy giving and not wishing to get, and it can really cause some issues in a relationship, so many Stones prefer to stay within their own community. However, in a supportive and loving relationship, things like this can be worked out by both partners. The confusion of this term and label make me sad because this is part of the gay community history that the younger generations are not privy to, or are they interested in learning about. The focus is on not using 'labels', but these labels that everyone used in my generation, and before it, explained everything one would need to know about the person wearing it. It allowed Stone Butches and Femmes to find one another and these days it has become very difficult for them due to people not knowing or using the label. It's really great to see it in use again and Butches willing to use it!
