Demisexual? Maybe? Clearer definition required. Halp.

Lately I've been looking into the demisexual label and wondering if that describes me.

At first when I heard the definition of demisexuality (not having any desire to have sex with someone until you have an emotional attachment to them, regardless of how attractive they might be), I thought, "Well that's a silly label, that's just how everyone is." Then I realized maybe that's not how everyone is; that's just how I am.

In that light, a lot of my past experiences make a LOT of sense. Boyfriends and dates expecting me to have a sexual attraction to them much sooner than I ever was, and consequently dismissing me as just not being into them. Me being baffled by and indignant about the expectation that anyone would ever have for someone else to be attracted to them right away, before they gave them any "reason" to be (and kind of insulting a few people in trying to communicate that, oops). Being unable to find a vague description of "a man" sexually appealing unless I imagined that man to be someone I knew and was interested in or—lol—one of my favorite fictional characters. Never quite seeming to be good enough, never really able to get a relationship off the ground, and just lacking some vague something that usually made guys lose interest in me, sometimes citing the lack of a "spark." (Well, what spark? You didn't get to know me long enough for a spark!)

On the other hand, I think back on the handful of guys that I've slept with (9 or so) and I know I had reasons other than primary sexual attraction for sleeping with a lot of them but I'm trying to remember if I was ever really attracted to any of them before getting to know them. There was a period there in my 20s where I felt that engaging in sex with sexual partners would make me feel more connected to my sexuality, but even then most of those guys were guys that I knew, and the one or two that I didn't know very well I just kind of forced myself through, expecting it to make me feel better in some way because I was engaging in a rite that humans were supposed to enjoy. Sometimes the conquest of it made me feel better about myself, or the rebellion of it, but I never really enjoyed the encounters themselves in a sexual sense.

And then I think back on the guys I've had crushes on but never slept with, but was undoubtedly sexually attracted to, and that's where my confusion comes in most of all.

Because the definitions that I read of demisexuality seem to vary very slightly in their wording, and those little differences in wording seem to make all the difference. Some definitions (and probably the pop culture understanding of the concept, if there is a pop culture understanding of the concept) say that demisexuality means you only have a sexual attraction to someone if you love them. My personal beliefs on love are that I couldn't have loved guys that I only ever had crushes on but never got to date and actually get to know very well—since they didn't share those inner parts of themselves with me, after all—but I was certainly romantically/emotionally interested in/attracted to/attached to them.

Further complicating the matter is that I think I become emotionally attracted to or even attached to people quite easily, because at heart I am a hopeless romantic who wants to find what is good and lovable about everyone. I wouldn't say I loved any of those people (the ones who I had crushes on with a sexual attraction present), but I could become quite infatuated with the idea of someone very quickly, in maybe a week or two if we spend enough time together. But I would never, ever have the slightest desire in having sex with a person I didn't know well enough to have some reason to be attracted to them emotionally. (But then, if a demisexual can develop a sexual attraction to a fictional character because there is the illusion of an emotional bond—which I have read is a thing, and is certainly a thing I have experienced in that case—then couldn't we do the same with people?)

So what is the criteria for demisexual sexual attraction exactly? Is it love? Is it a legit emotional bond? Is emotional attraction sufficient? (Because those are certainly three different levels of feelings.) What if you conflate an emotional attachment to someone with an actual emotional bond? Does the emotional bond with someone have to be "real" in order to call the sexual attraction that depends upon it "demisexuality," or is sexual attraction that is contingent upon any sort of emotional feelings—regardless of their strength or legitimacy—enough to call it demisexuality?

 

I'm not sure that really answers my question at all. =\

I am talking about sexual *attraction*, not just a conscious choice like "Do I want to go home and have sex with this person right now? Nah, wouldn't be wise, better hold off." In fact, I think it's more than clear that I am perfectly capable of doing the opposite and making a conscious choice to have sex with someone when I don't really feel a sexual attraction to them...more of an aesthetic attraction, usually, or maybe some kind of curiosity, or even in less proud moments "I think this will make me feel better about myself" or "I want to be a person who finds aesthetically pleasing people sexually attractive and enjoys this."

Believe me, things would be a lot easier if I were sexually attracted to people right away. I've tried faking it, I've tried pretending they're other people, I've tried getting myself drunk enough that I don't care, but none of that is sexual attraction. It's more like a tolerance of the activity, necessary to hopefully get to some later point where I actually feel something toward them, or proving "something" to "someone," I don't know, maybe proving to myself that I'm not "defective."

I am very sure that I don't have a sexual attraction to most people if I don't know them. That's not what I'm asking about.

Maybe my post was too long and it obscured what my actual question was. The question is how much of an "emotional bond" "qualifies" as the emotional bond required for a demisexual to feel sexual attraction? Because I can fool myself into thinking I have a bond with a person quite easily, or developing strong crushes, or just otherwise becoming very emotionally attached to someone who probably doesn't reciprocate that at all, or at least not as strongly as I feel an emotional pull toward them. So far it seems like "Demisexual" is what best describes me, but the definition seems so narrow I don't want to mislabel myself.

Meh, if people can't even understand me here, no one will ever understand in the real world. =\ Maybe I am defective.