Hey I've found something that I guess sort of bothers me. I'm female and have finally figured out that I'm pansexual but only started telling people a few months ago that I am joy straight like it had been assumed. I know a couple of people, both female, who identify as bisexual. However, they both have said (and they don't know each other at all) that they would be a lesbian but they like sex with guys too much. And I get the impression even if they haven't specifically said, that they will eventually be with a man and a woman is more of a temporary thing. It bothers me to some extent because I feel as though that's not very sincere of them. If you don't see yourself staying in a relationship with a woman long-term it's not fair for the woman and you should date men. Maybe it's just me. I am pan but right now am more interested in women because I've already dated a guy. Maybe that's how they are - but know they eventually want to be with a man. For me? I'm not sure.
Well, it's fair if they have a preference for one gender really as long as they don't intend to emotionally harm any women or dupe them, I have a preference for women myself, but I could see myself getting into a long-term relationship with a guy and settling down if I met the right guy.
Not sure how unpopular an opinion this is, but I think preference is different from the people who actually say they would only settle down with the opposite gender (while calling themselves bi). Not that it's bad or wrong to experiment or anything but it's unfortunate that there isn't an alternate word to describe the questioning or experimenting. Again, there's nothing wrong about it but when people say bisexuals / pansexuals are unreliable or that they're just confused, they are thinking about those people rather than people who are honestly attracted to multiple genders and could be in a healthy, long-term relationship with anyone of those genders.
I understand why this might feel like a weird sort of deception. But it sounds like they are both honest about their feelings, so I don't know if I'd categorize it as deception. Sexuality is complicated, and some peoples' sexualities are fluid over time, and some peoples' sexualities are static, and some people have different sexual orientations than romantic orientations. So getting hung up on labels might be beside the point; they are acting on instinct and trying their best to explain what I'm sure has been a very winding journey to their current understanding of sexuality.
Think of it like this: They know what they want. They both have same sex attractions with a preference for males and that's fine. I don't really see an issue with sexual relationships not based on emotions so long as they're consentual. If nobody is being harmed and these two women are happy, then good for them!
I share some of your reservations. Most bisexuals have a preference one way or the other, but when that preference is exclusive to the marriage/long-term-relationship question, I'm left wondering whether it's just that they prefer the simplicity of having a straight lifestyle rather than a genuine difference in attraction. As long as the women your friends are involved with know that they are just flings, it may be no harm, no foul. However, as someone who doesn't really understanding the appeal of flings, I am tempted to also see it as disrespectful like you do. It's a controversial position, but I do suspect that a lot of "heteroromantic" bisexuals crave the legitimacy of heterosexuality and that's why they hesitate to "put a ring on it", so to speak, with their same-sex partners.
I'm a little confused about this attitude coming from an avowed pansexual. Do you plan to pick only one sex of person to date? Love really doesn't work like that, you know. What if you fall in love with someone of the wrong/non-chosen sex? If you plan to date both, aren't you in the same "insincere" position as your friends? For my part, I can also say that I'd be a lesbian, except that I desire sex with men. I've been monogamous with a woman for 29 years. I don't consider it insincere of me to be with my partner...especially since she knows I'm bisexual. But actually, I'm confused even by your friends' statements. "They would be lesbian"...they *prefer* sex with women? And yet they think they're going to settle down with a man? That doesn't make sense to me. If I prefer chocolate (even slightly) over vanilla, and an evil djinn makes me choose one to give up for the rest of my life, you can bet I'm NOT giving up my preference. Frankly, they do sound confused.
I think everyone made good points here, thank you! One of these friends got married to a man last year and the other one I have interest in but she's currently dealing with issues with her ex who is not really an ex anymore. It sucks. He's a guy, too, and I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse. This friend can be frustrating because she very adamantly says she's bisexual but then turns around and talks about how she can't stand men and then she'll talk about how she's never going to find a man she'll want to marry because the men she's known have been unreliable. I always just tell her to marry a woman and she won't have to worry if men are her issue and she kind of laughs it off. I sometimes wish I weren't attracted to her. Life would be simpler that way!
For me, one of my struggles has been how to be bisexual in a monogamous relationship with a man. I pushed down my sexuality when we got serious in college, and when I rediscovered it last summer, it came as a shock. Since then, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my attractions, since we are (at least now) monogamous. He knows, he's ok with the attraction, he's not ok with sex outside of our marriage.
I kind of understand what your friends are saying but they worded it weird. I, me personally, cannot fully be a lesbian because I do like sex with men way too much aka for "I'm still attracted to men either way". It doesn't really just have to do with the fact that I enjoy sex with men but more of the point that I'm still into them. In that sense I understand your friends. It doesn't mean that I'm going to start preferring men over women because I enjoy sex because sometimes you just form different connections with different people. For example, you said one of your bisexual fiend married a man which probably meant she saw something in him at that time. Some people just find different things in different genders.. That happens! Maybe guys give her a better sex life and she likes that. It can be anything. I think women are more sensitive than men and I fall easier and longer for them but I've never been in a relationship with one because I haven't found one that I truly liked enough yet. Doesn't make anyone any less bisexual for not dating the same sex... Yet.
