I am sorry this post is very long and a little explicit at times. I started writing and had to get it all out. I have a whole lot of feelings and a whole lot of questions and I don't even know where to start. I have been in relationships with men my whole life. This has never been a problem for me. Other then feeling attracted to some women in my life and feeling somehow really hurt when people would insult LGBTQ people I never had any questions or problems. Despite some inappropriate comments my parents have always been very supportive of me and I know they would be supportive if I came out to them. I have recently (in the last year) have had stronger and stronger feelings for women. I guess this has been happening because I have been exploring my identities more and trying to know myself better. I have also been living apart from my parents for the fist time for about 3 years now and being on my own/having new experiences has revealed many things about myself to me. Over the past year (especially these past couple of months) I have been experimenting more with my feelings towards women and I have realized these feelings are very real and very strong. I have started to notice women in movies or TV shows and even on the street. I feel attracted to them and their bodies and imagine what it would be like to have sex with them. However, I have never had a sexual encounter with a woman. It is all in my head and in my dreams. The most I have done has been masturbating while watching lesbian porn. However, thoughts of meeting a woman that I can connect with and have safe, consensual sex or even just fooling around clouds my thoughts all time and I have a burning desire to try. Unlike some of my gay and lesbian friends I haven't had a strong and burning necessity to come out. I told my best friend and she was very supportive (she identifies as pansexual herself) and I told my partner and he was supportive as well. But I don't feel the need to tell my parents or anyone else in my life. I don't have a problem with coming out or particularly fear it either. I just don't really feel like it's anyone's business who I sleep with or who I am attracted to. I guess I will have to tell my parents at some point but right now I don't really feel like it is any of their business either. I wonder if this means I am a real bisexual or not. I have never actually had sex with a woman so I feel like I am just trying something out or something and I have never had to face any hardship or discrimination so I don't know whether it is fair for me to take on that title. This is all more complicated by the fact that I have been in a relationship with my male partner for about 2 years. We are in a loving, caring, committed relationship and I love him very much. Lately things have been hard though. I am often bored when I am with him and sometimes when we have sex I pretend he is a woman. Sometimes I can't orgasm unless I pretend he is a woman. This hurts because I love him very much and I owe him a lot. He has helped me through some very hard times and what we have built together is very important to me. I have been trying to find supportive people on my campus (I am a college student) but most of the people I have approached know that I am in a heterosexual relationship and have either told me to go fuck myself or have dismissed me. With the groups on my campus you are either "all queer" or get out. As I said, I don't know wether my feelings mean I am a bisexual or wether it is insulting for me to take on this label. My partner and I are in a monogamous relationship. I have told him how I have been feeling and he has been very supportive. He doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else though, regardless of their gender, and definitely doesn't want to have a threesome. I am still very attracted to him sometimes and I love him very much. It would break my heart to hurt him at all. But I also find myself wanting to have sex with women and don't know how to handle it. Right now I haven't become close enough with anyone to experiment sexually with them. I need to feel safe and comfortable, I'm not sure I am an online one-time hookup kind of person. I am scared I will end up cheating on my partner and I am scared that if I don't I will always want to. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. All I know is that I need some advice or feedback from someone who might have similar feelings/thoughts or my head is going to explode. Please help me.
I think in your case the best thing to do would be to take a break from your current relationship. This is not saying you should totally break up, but rather take some time for yourself to find yourself. If you don't have the opportunity to try out new things, both sexually and not, you'll find yourself always wondering what it could be like. You don't have to come out as anything right to start with, first you have to discover who you are, which is why I suggest taking some you time. This would do both of you some good, as I am sure that your partner would rather you be happy than be merely content with him since he does love and support you. Hope this help
oh wow this story reminds me so much of myself see my story at the links below: intro: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/179525-wish-i-realized-sooner.html current relationship issues: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/180250-should-i-tell-my-boyfriend-now-wait.html but to sum up - i'm similarly in a long term relationship with a guy and realized within the last few years that I'm very much attracted to girls. i also can often not get off unless i imagine he's a girl. I'm in a unique situation though where our relationship kind of has a time line...we're both living abroad and I pretty much know we'll break up when we move back to the states...so I'm pretty confident that I'll start dating women in the very near future so it's not that stressful right now...I'm just enjoying my relationship with him in the meantime, because, similarly to you, i really to care for him and am happy with him. I think though, it really sounds like you're much more attracted to women. whether you're gay or bi with a lean toward gay. the only way to really figure it out for yourself though will be to, eventually, take a break from your relationship and try really experimenting with women. I think you'll find it will be very liberating and you might almost immidiately come into figuring out your identity once you're able to express yourself without feeling like you're hurting your partner while doing so.
I'm pretty much you in 15 years. Married to my high school sweetheart, and I kind of ignored the urges I felt in high school/college to a large degree. You can read my story in my blog, but I'd say to try to figure it out sooner than later. I'm happy to talk whenever. When you get to 10 posts, you can write on people's walls so they know you were talking directly to them. Welcome to EC!
Thank you all, I really appreciate the support and advice. I already feel better since none of your responses included shaming or telling me I am not a "real queer" or "real bisexual" I think the advice you have all given me is wise and to the point. I am truly scared of leaving my partner since he has helped me through some very serious depression and I am scared I will fall back into depression without him. I also live with him so that complicates things significantly. But I am coming to realize that this is also unhealthy since I have been making up excuses to not have sex with him and bursted into tears and we did. I don't know what this means about my sexuality or wether I can assume the label bisexual but I think it is fair enough to say that this isn't going well.
You can start by researching an alternate living arrangement. It kind of sounds like it isn't working with him even if you aren't (or don't end up being) interested in women.
If you feel the label fits you then you don't need anyones permission to use it let people around you have their clicks, whatever, they can take their judgement somewhere else. Trust in how you feel and do what feels right. As to your situation, I feel for you, there are a lot of people who will be able to relate to what you're going through. Take time to figure out what you need and go with it. Take care x
