Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this post. I feel a little awkward posting this as I am not sure if I am totally qualified to be here but I have some things I've experienced for a while and I was wondering if you'd be able to help me shed some light on my situation. I don't know much about the many levels of sexual orientation and gender classifications. Many of this is new to me and I find it somewhat confusing and difficult to wrap my head around yet I feel like I might identify with some of these concepts such as gender fluid. I identify as a straight female but for quite some time, since I became a teenager (I am now in my early twenties) I have felt something of a duel sexual identity as a sometimes quite feminine woman and other times as a more tomboyish or more masculine male, however even as a male I prefer androgynous "cute" masculine looks, boyish looks. I can firmly say I value androgyny above all forms of sexual attraction. I believe it is the ultimate ideal beauty and at times I hope to embody it and I will crossdress and I feel attracted to myself both when I crossdress and when I dress feminine. This is also somewhat strange, I sometimes think of myself as two identities that can sometimes be sexually attracted to one another. I don't know if this is narcissism, and I know that it is nothing like Disassociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Multiple Personality. My gender does not constantly change either, so I wonder if I am gender fluid, it seems to be more mild. Generally I am the feminine female who occasionally feels a very passionate desire to be male yet boyish. I do not believe this is gender dysphoria as I do not feel uncomfortable being a female except during the times I really want to express myself as male and feel an undeniable need to do so. This desire to be masculine also leads into a desire to experience sexual and romantic relationships with men as a man. I want to have the male parts to be able to experience sexual dominance over a more feminine submissive male partner during sexual intercourse, I want to be able to feel that kind of arousal that a man feels through those parts, however I feel myself also being open to the option of being dominated by a more feminine male partner as a man. In other words, I sometimes wish I could be a gay man. My sexual preference within this desire is a "twink" with a smooth hairless body and longer hair, probably embodying my desire for androgyny. My identity in this desire would also be that of a twink gay man (I apologize if I am using incorrect terms, please correct me if I am), in that I too would be more effeminate but still masculine. To give you an idea I somewhat idealize Dillon Samuels as the perfect male. These desires are not always constant but occur occasionally and are very powerful when they do occur and can cause frustration. I don't know what they really mean in terms of my sexual identity and I don't know if this sort of thing is considered common. I don't know if it is considered gender dysphoria as I do not necessarily feel trapped or uncomfortable in my body, but sometimes I wish my body could become masculine or I could be a male version of myself. I'm not sure what else to say, I'm losing my train of thought (I have ADHD, I apologize.) If you have any insight or advice I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on my situation. I can also answer any questions you may have. I am telling you this in all seriousness and I apologize if I have caused any kind of offense or ignorance in my words, I am looking to find answers and education. I have read several threads on here before deciding to sign up and post this, I find this site seems very safe and the comments have always been kind and informative on the threads I have read. Thank you so much for reading. I look forward to your comments.:smilewave
Hi Enjeruciel, First of all, while I'm new to this particular forum myself, I think you have every right to be apart of the LGBTQ community. I think it's incredible that you're exploring who you are. From what you describe of yourself in your post, I can 100% tell you that you're not alone. I have heard other stories very similar to yours, in terms of how others have identified (both in orientation and gender identity). I will say I have met and heard with more frequency of male assigned at birth who have your experience, grows up cis-hetero, fairly masculine but might have an androgynous or feminine side. Similar attraction to yours but for cis females (or trans females). For me personally, I fall into a similar situation as I described. For me I've always questioned my gender since I was really young (I remember when I was 3 or 4 asking my mom and sister if I would grow up to be like mommy. When she said I would grow up to be like daddy, I was devastated and cried). For me I'm going through counseling now and will start on HRT, but for many years I did live more as a cis-male. I've always been most attracted to women. Often very feminine, but far from always. I have met some more androgynous women that I thought were incredibly hot. I've been very attracted to trans-men that I just wished they would take complete control of me, almost as a validation that I indeed a woman. I've also been very attracted to trans-women, and some masculine cis-men and some feminine cis-men (cis-men have been the least of my attraction, but I have felt attraction there). I guess maybe i'm pan sexual. Right now for me, my gender struggle has been more of a focus since those feelings that I have struggled most to accept myself for. The more I have accepted my gender, the more open I've felt sexually. So, no there isn't anything wrong with you. I think my perfect partner would be able to be gender fluid like you. To be able to go from feminine and be comfortable all the way over to masculine and be just as comfortable would be amazing to me. I think you're great. Keep on exploring yourself, know that you're not alone. There are cis-females (that at least appear to be) that are having similar experiences, and cis-males too.
Hello Maddie Thank you for your reply and thank you for your warm acceptance into the LGBTQ community. It's reassuring to be accepted and to know that I am not alone. In my research I have come across something called autogynephilia which is where men are aroused by imagining themselves having a woman's body, but there is little to no information about women who experience the same phenomena by imagining themselves with a male body (autoandrophilia ). From this research and what you've told me it seems like this sort of situation occurs more in males. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. I can understand your distraught based on your gender but I am happy for you that you will soon begin the process to become the person you've always been. I congratulate you and I wish the best for you. Please stay strong and I hope you feel more comfortable now that your exciting transition begins. It seems your attraction does span widely, though you have stronger preferences in some genders. It seems attraction is always somewhat fluid and flexible. I'm sure this will become more clear for you probably a little ways into HRT or once you've stabilized on the hormones, when you have become more yourself. I have felt attraction to transgendered individuals before, mtf and ftm and find the middlesex very appealing as well in the transitional period because of my draw to androgyny. I've sometimes found certain androgynous bodies attractive as well particularly individuals with breasts who also have male genitalia, however I prefer the female in that case to appear more androgynous, with short hair, etc. But in terms of your gender struggle, I don't think you should worry too much. It will get easier in time and it will become more clear to you. Again thank you for your reply~
I have a friend who is bi gender. He lives as a male most of the time, but sometimes feels female and dresses/acts in that manner. I think these feelings are more common than people realize, and as we do a better job fighting for transgender rights, hopefully more people will be able to be more visible.
Thank you for your insight~. Something I forgot to mention in the original post is how should I go about expressing these desires, because it's not simply a fantasy it's something I would act on if I found the right male willing to roleplay with me or something. I suppose I could live these desires through role play.
Hi there and welcome! I really don't have any advice to offer, sorry. However, I can say you are not alone in how you feel. I identify as genderqueer, sometimes I feel quite girly, other times I feel very boyish and mostly I feel somewhere in the middle. Gender identity is a hard thing to discuss, especially with people we know, it's hard to express what we are feeling. If I could just say to someone 'I am a woman who wants to have sex with a man as a man would' I'm not sure how people I know would react to that. But there it is. Do I feel the need to transition, no. Am I trans, no. Would I like to be called someone's boyfriend... Honestly, sometimes yes. As to how you would express these desires, I think it will all depend on the situation you're in and the person you are with. I've though that if and when I get into a relationship with a man I would approach the situation gently, maybe talk about what I would like to do and if they were willing go from there. I think I wou,d have to be very comfortable with someone before I could approach this particular desire.
I would like to address your mentioning of autogynephilia. There is a well known psychologist and researcher who first thought of this concept, Ray Blanchard. He was part of a team that really dismissed ideas that a men who would like to transition to being female and are attracted to women cannot be transsexual, that it was a fantasy and used the term autogynephilia. He argued the same way about women who were attracted to men, but wanted to transition to male to be fantasy as well, but admitted the phenomenon didn't happen. He gives very more credibility to MtF & FtM who start out attracted to the same sex before transition, but still dehumanizes them. These views were taken by many who dismissed trans experiences all together, or who really believe that the trans experience is a disorder. For a bit of information on the subject and debunking this visit julia serano - Debunking Psychological Diagnoses and Theories about Transsexual and Transgender People Julia Serano is an excellent trans activist, and a trans woman herself. Some great ideas on the subject. My reasoning for replying to you regarding autogynephilia is that I don't want you to think that part of your experience is just simply fantasy. There are differences between orientation and gender. And there are differences between orientation and fantasy. While I sometimes myself hate labels and compartmentalizing things, I believe that in some instances it is helpful to do this. It sounds like you're going through a lot of self realizations and exploration right now. A lot of which seems to be overlapping. Separating these out right now might enable you to understand what each are. Perhaps you can find some support groups to go to and meet people who identify as queer. There could be meetup.com events as well. Thus you could find some others that have a similar experience as you. In terms of meeting someone to act this out with, I'd say finding an open minded guy is possibly easier than you think. If you want to take the online route, ******* is a pretty good site that has opened up their identities and orientations to more than just the male/female/gay/straight/bi to everything from demisexual, pansexual, genderfluid, gender queer/a sexual/trans feminine/trans masculine etc....
Thank you Mischa for your reply. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, you seem to understand exactly how I feel. Unfortunately I don't think this is something I can share with my boyfriend. He's very much a straight male interested in females, so I feel maybe it's best to hide this part of myself from him. I've considered adult roleplay forums. Maybe there I can kill two birds with one stone and use my skills for fiction writing as an outlet for my masculine side. ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2015 at 07:28 AM ---------- Thank you Maddie, once again your post has been very insightful and informative. I will look into that study. It's true I am going through a lot of self realizations and exploration and I find gender and orientation to be somewhat confusing as someone who is gender fluid. I find myself wondering what my gender is and because of that my orientation is somewhat muddled as well. EC seems to have blocked out the site name you recommended :c.
autogynephilia I am a male, I don't feel like a woman at all, but when I ponder it, I do get aroused. I've realized that about myself but I don't take it as I am a woman inside of a mans body, I appreciate my dick lol
for me I'm also a straight female who want's to be a gay male just never really felt like I was a gal if you get what I mean
If I had a dick I would appreciate it too. Never take it for granted. :icon_wink ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2015 at 08:30 AM ---------- I understand completely.
