Why hi EC, I'm here right now because recently some stuff has happened which has kind made things regarding questioning hit home really a little more (and I wanna let it out somewhere because sometimes it's a bit of a rollercoaster...). Well recently I've got a little involved with a friend of mine who I've had a thing towards since the beginning of the year really. Long story short, I told him about my feelings for him and we hugged on his bed and ended up having sex. For me on a physical level the sex wasn't unpleasurable but not incredible - in the end I couldn't finish as it happens (I suppose it was first time) but I did enjoy the feeling of the intimate connection with him. Afterwards we decided to continue being friends but it's been a few weeks and I can't shake viewing him as more than a friend, which has sometimes felt quite sad. At those times when I've been sure of my attractions towards him I really think I'd want to be his boyfriend... at this point I guess I must have a romantic thing for him. Before this it was all kind of... theroretical. But now there's been a real person involved so closely to me it's really making me consider that there's a good chance I'm not straight after all. In the last, what, 2 1/2 years I've developed a taste for male erotica and gay fantasies, kiind of maybe looked at a handful of guys I've passed a little longer than needed and developed some genuine romantic feelings for this friend. And maybe one or two others to a lesser degree. I'm starting to think perhaps bi makes the most sense for me (up till I was 16 I was only attracted to women but it was actual sexual attraction. So I don't think it's likely I'm gay although my attention towards women has really diminished a lot). I'm on the verge of considering myself as that but something still feels off. Like, I have all the fantasies and I like the *idea*- but it's only really manifested in real life for this one (maybe 2/3) guy... I don't usually think that way for real-life guys in general. So maybe I'm straight with an exception (I'm obv at least that!), or I like the idea of guy fantasies because of the energy of them and not because I'm really attracted to guys. I guess I'm just afraid of getting it wrong and worse messing someone's feelings up because of such a mistake. Ehhh... so can anyone relate? I know that's a pretty horrible wall of text where I've thrown basically the last couple of years at you so sorry for that
Apart from my best friend who I'm pretty sure is bi - we nearly experimented once, which I would have liked - and who has been a bit erratic in his questioning, peeferring to shy away from it and... screw girls. Well, either he's erratic or he just has a high sex drive. I can kind of relate, in a sense of wanting to pursue a relationship with someone you're very close to. You sound bi to me. Pursue this relationship with him; all fulfilling relationships are good.
Sadly I can't pursue this relationship any further for practical reasons. It feels like that's a shame to me, which I guess says it all. I mean, I will continue to be his friend though because it's the best friendship I've cultivated so far...so we are still on good terms. With him I know I'm attracted, but yeah. I can't make the leap to bi... I mean I have a stack of evidence to suggest that I am, but I don't feel like I'm often attracted to guys or anyone for that matter in real life, and you hear all the time on here that porn isn't useful and fantasies aren't reality. It could be possible that this guy was my exception...all my attraction to him is built on the connection I developed to him as a friend, so maybe I need a deep connection to a guy (or anyone in general) before I can properly view them in a romantic way. Yeah..... I don't have any conscious hang ups about being bi, it's just hard to believe that I might well be I guess? I keep coming up with explanations so I can discount some of the evidence that I am or think it's just a fantasy or something. It's like it just makes sense...it's the easiest fit for what's happened in recent years...but something's still stopping me from adopting it?
