Hey guys, I'm going to try and keep this short. I went off to university last fall and didn't have the best time, I don't want to necessarily say I was depressed but I was definitely unmotivated and unhappy. I felt empty in a lot of ways, including in my relationship with my boyfriend. (My first ever relationship, which had started May of last year and then became long distance as we went to different universities.) I found that I'd been having a very low sex drive recently, so I went to google to search for potential reasons. One site said "latent lesbianism", and that scared the shit out of me. I went through all my past experiences and analyzed them incessantly, trying to figure out if I have somehow been lesbian all these years without realizing it. I sunk into a depression and it caused me to struggle in school as well. These are some past experiences that I came up with that have scared me: - When I was in kindergarten and grade 1, I remember playing doctor with my female friends and getting them to take their shirts off and stuff. - In grade 1 I paid this girl in my class 10 cents to lift up her shirt - although I think I did this because all of the girls in our class were doing it and she was the only one who wouldn't. - I remember one time I looked for the girls' underwear section in a clothes catalogue, again when I was little. - I had a dream or two when I was little about all the girls in my grade walking around in their underwear (but I went to an all girls school... I didn't know ANY boys.) - I used to read fics online about girls being humiliated or stripped down or whatever or girls at the doctor's office, and I remember being aroused by that. - I also used to draw pictures of naked girls in my notebooks and of guys looking at the girls. (Again, most of this stuff happened WAY before puberty... whatever that means.) - I remember when the movie Spring Breakers came out, I was really drawn to watching the trailer (this was a few years ago). - One time in grade 11, I remember randomly thinking that this one girl was really really attractive. I worried if I was gay for maybe a week or two and then completely forgot about it, and I only remembered this experience when I was going through my past and analyzing it. These are the experiences that have made me pretty sure I'm heterosexual, in the past. - I've literally never had a crush on a girl in my life. When I think of dating any of my female friends, it makes me grossed out and uncomfortable. - I remember I had one friend who is most likely a closeted lesbian, and at sleepovers she used to get all of us girls to pretend to make out and grind on each other. I did this in order to fit in but I thought it was really weird and not very appealing. - I've had serious crushes on maybe 5 guys in my life, as well as many other casual crushes. (An interesting thing to note is that I really only fall for guys once I get to know their personality. A random attractive naked guy wouldn't do much for me.) - I've mostly enjoyed sexual experiences with my boyfriend (although I haven't had sex yet), have orgasmed many times from him touching me, etc. - I love my boyfriend so much and can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. - The thought of being gay is mainly distressing to me because I wouldn't be able to be with my boyfriend. - I've never in my life imagined or desired being in a relationship with a woman. I think I may just have a low sex drive, as I've never watched porn for pleasure and I've literally never masturbated in my life. But any thoughts would be really really appreciated. This has been causing me so much distress recently, and combined with everything else in my life I've been quite depressed and empty. ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2015 at 08:38 PM ---------- I'd also like to mention that I've been very attracted to male celebrities in the past - for example, I used to HATE One Direction because they were so famous and overhyped but I watched one of their vids out of curiosity and then got hooked (they're beautiful aren't they???). Downloaded all the videos onto my computer. Watched them nonstop for a few weeks at least.
Hi, alyxndra and welcome to EC First of all. You aren't gay, I'm not a mind reader but I can pretty much say so. However, latent lesbianism could in your case might mean an additional attraction to women. You might have a slight attraction to women, judging from having found women very attractive and so on. However, it sounds to me that the attraction is small enough you have could not see yourself in a relationship with a woman or physically be with them.
Helloo Damsel in distress. The reason why you are scared is because of fear. But dont worry about it too much. Dont let this take a toll on you. Like you, i cant see myself in a relationship with a woman yet i still like them. A LOT. mind you this has been really hard for me too. Just let these ideas process without putting pressure on yourself. Your fear is understandable, since the unknown is very scary but maybe you will have clarity. From what i see, you find women physically or sexually appealing but you dont have to act on it or worry about it too much. Please feel free to message me. LIKE YOU, THIS IS HOW I STARTED QUESTIONING TOO.. I would dissect all the parts from my past, but in the end (according to my counselor) the past doesn't matter, its what lies in your heart now.
