Hi everyone, I've tried telling my 5.5-year boyfriend that I'm probably gay... he cried, I felt awful because he's a great person... and then we just got back together because I care deeply about him. I just can't imagine not being with him. Basically, we got pushed into the relationship by our best friends when I was 16, I didn't know anything and it felt good to have someone with me because I thought nobody wanted me. We went out a few times and he was so nice, I just thought it would be a short-lived relationship but he immediately let me know he was serious about it, he wrote poems for me too. Just lovely. And he kept his word, we've been going out for over 5 and a half years and now I'm part of his family and he is part of mine. I feel like I do love him, but it's probably because it's all I ever knew. I went on a secret first date with a girl once this year, my heart kept pounding and I didn't know what to say...I was spilling stuff all over myself and her. Before then, I thought people were clumsy around someone they liked only in the movies. How do I go about this seemingly unsurmountable problem? Do I have to leave him? I really tried... but the only way for me would be to just live apart...and we will, because I'm gonna stay in the San Francisco area for a month very soon, while he'll be in Italy. Thank you so much! And I can add information if needed.
As someone who was in the opposite boat with a girlfriend a few years ago, I know how difficult this can be. Your first relationship is especially hard to get over because it's vreally all you know, especially spanning 5 years. Staying together long term likely won't be good, especially since you should want to get out there & experience being a young gay person. If you're in this relationship where you're not really feeling it as his girlfriend, you need to move on. It will be hard, but 5 years from now you'll be a far better person for it. Make sure you make it clear to him you're not gay because of him. Especially for guys, the news your girlfriend is gay can be especially devastating for your ego.
Oh. It's my story too. I was in a 5 years relationship with a girl, I was happy with it for a while. But slowly, it started to destroy me because I am pretty sure I am gay. Breaking her with her felt so liberating.
I get your pain, and I'm sorry you're in that situation. I have two big pieces of advice: First, don't let a 5.5-year relationship that you can't see staying with turn into a 10+ year relationship...or a 20-30 year relationship. Read deeply into the "Later in Life" forum to get a sense of where that goes. And second, *no more secret dates*. I get the desire (more than you can know). I even get the caving. But don't do it again, seriously. This guy you're with sounds like a great person who deserves better than to be cheated on. If you need to be with a woman (and it sounds like you do) then own up to that, both to yourself and to him...and then date women with a clear conscience. If you need to be with a woman, but aren't ready to give him up or let him down, at least *tell* him you're going to go out with a woman...ask his permission. If he won't give it, then clearly he isn't meeting your needs, and you really do need to let go. Good luck, hon. And remember: a 5ish-year relationship isn't really *that* long, all things considered. This is not (yet) an intractable mess.
Hello! I am sorry that you are feeling this way!! you should be happy though cause you are human and these things happen. You guys started a relationship PREETTY young and bbeing confused is normal and okay. I dont want to say go and tell him and whatnot you should do what you feel comfortable with and i know its not easy to say this. As people above say yeah, you prob need to tell him about how you feel, would you be able to hide your wants for a longer time, and live with your wants like this? As for personal experience: this is how my story went down. In my relationship (3 years) i never felt like it was all.. i kept thinkin is this all there is to this? Again this was an amazing guy, THE BEST, kind caring, hot. and i loved him so much that i was willing to put anything aside for him. i didnt question my sexuality while w him but, something felt off. I ended up loving him even more, but that feeling of offness never left. in the end he ended up cheating on me with another girl, and left me heartbroken(took me over a year to get over him), something i thought he would NEVER DO. i always thought it was me who would end up breaking his heart. so the moral of the story is... follow YOUR heart. you can be a lil selfish you know? sending positive vibes
Thank you so much for the kind words everyone! BiAnnika, luckily I didn't do anything stupid with this girl (we didn't have sex) and then I ended up telling my boyfriend all about it and he's forgiven me for having feelings towards someone else and going out with them. It sounds like I'm not alone, I'm so glad I joined Empty Closets! Thanks again to everybody I really appreciate it!
Hi Cupcaker, I started dating my husband when I was 15, so I know the pressure of staying with someone. I realized almost a year ago that my experimentation in high school was more than that, and I still have feelings for my best friend since we were 12. I'm working through the feelings, and trying to figure everything out. In the mean time, I'm very committed to my marriage and family (this process of mental exploration was good for that at least), and I'm hopeful that my husband and I continue to talk and work through everything.
Thank you Bi2me! I'll see how it goes...two months apart is a lot of time and San Francisco of all places... I'm afraid I'll develop a crush while I'm there all summer. Should I wait to ask him for permission until (if) that happens? I don't want to upset him further and I'm already overseas.
(What) do you want to talk to him about? What information do you think you need to tell him? Can you control yourself if you do develop a crush? Do you want to control yourself? Can you talk in person/video chat to have the conversation? Do you want to stay with him long term? Do you want to stay with him monogamously/openly? How do you feel about him? OK - no help, just questions, but I'll keep thinking once you answer these
