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How to know if you're bi or lesbian? (Or apasexual?)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by overthinker, Jul 4, 2015.

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  1. overthinker

    overthinker
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Over the past two years since I started questioning, I haven't had the chance to experiment with a female but I've accepted that I'm bi. However I haven't really told anyone, except sort of mentioned it to my best friend--who is also my ex-boyfriend.

    But, I'm a virgin and I just tried to have sex with him for the first time ever. And it didn't really, er, work. After it wasn't working I started hyperventilating and thought/said maybe I'm just a lesbian. He said maybe I was, but also that it always hurts the first time. He admitted, though, that it was always hard getting me going...and said maybe it's just him I'm not attracted to, not all guys.

    Generally, I fall in love with men but now I'm wondering if I don't really want them sexually. I find the faces of guys more attractive than the rest of their bodies. I haven't really pictured myself dating women, just little sexual fantasies. I'm pretty sure my only dreams were straight dreams, which confuses me.

    How do I know if I'm really bi, or just not sexually attracted to men? How do I know if I'm just not that interested in sex (apasexual)? I did get Non-Sexual on the Kinsey Scale, but I do fantasize often.

    I know it's hard to figure this out without more experimentation, but A. I don't know what girl I can possibly experiment with unless maybe I prematurely come out to everyone and B. I don't want to have sex with guys until I really know and trust them and I don't want to hurt them by leading them on, then trying and saying, "Oh nope, guess I'm a lesbian."

    Sorry, I know this is a lot. I'm just very anxious.
     
    #1 overthinker, Jul 4, 2015
  2. mochii

    mochii
    Full Member

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    Location:
    MA
    Hey there! I've been in the same kind of predicament as well. I realized I was most likely gay and not bi because sex with guys just didn't feel right. I was always attracted to female bodies and looking at a wall gave me the same feelings as looking at a male body. I never understood my friends' attraction to male muscles and voices, etc. I could find guys visually appealing, and my feelings for certain guys could grow but I never felt fully there because I was repulsed by them sexually.

    There are many different sexual/romantic types. You could be on the asexual scale. Have you been attracted to other girls in real life? For me it helped to just relax and ponder the idea, and think back to when I was a little younger in middle and high school. The only time I was really attracted to guys was when I thought I was supposed to be. But I was always attracted to other girls at school.

    As for the dreams, I don't typically have lesbian dreams, mostly because I have yet to really have lesbian encounters in real life, and I find my dreams kind of mimic my day-to-day life. I have had straight sex dreams where I was into the men, and then I woke up and was like wtf... But I'd just say to relax and take time with figuring yourself out, there's no rush. Questioning your sexuality can be scary, I wanted to throw up at the thought of it this time last year, but you aren't alone :slight_smile:
     
    #2 mochii, Jul 4, 2015
  3. Suspector

    Suspector
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm surprised more people don't recommend a small dosage of porn to help decide what you are heavily attracted to. I would google 'tumblr women nude' and knock yourself out with that, when you are alone of course.
     
    #3 Suspector, Jul 4, 2015
  4. gloomyra

    gloomyra
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2015
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    Location:
    U.S.A
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I tried this myself and it did not help me much. I found myself more attracted to pictures of random women than men, but I still kept fantasizing about particular men. I feel like it's easier for me to get turned on by women, but certain men can really get me going too...

    Best of luck to OP!
     
    #4 gloomyra, Jul 5, 2015
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