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Don't know what to do Anymore

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by IrishBuddha6, Jul 4, 2015.

  1. IrishBuddha6

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi everyone,

    I have posted on here before. Basically, I'm still really confused I guess, like I think sometimes I genuinely think I have figured myself out as gay but then something takes me aside and it's like well maybe you're bi because of bla bla bla. Anyway, I'll try to make this short lol. Basically, I have always been a bit different and unsure of myself. In middle school, I had a huge crush on this girl when I was in middle school (I'm a male btw). I'm really trying hard to remember the specifics of how I felt but I know I did genuinely like her and to say I didn't would be lying and I know it's important to be honest about these things in order for me to fully understand my sexuality. Anyway, eventually she moved away and I still liked her for a while even in high school. However, when I started to learn about sex and whatnot, I think I felt mainly attracted to males but didn't want to admit it. Most of my fantasies were about males. I think I occasionally may have had some fantasies about that one crush but otherwise I remmebr it like over 90 percent having fantasies about males. These fantasies didn't necessarily involve penetrative sex lol as I never thought too much about anal until recently lol but did involve oral and other sexual thoughts Now, I dreaded the possibility of being gay as I went to catholic school but I went to an all boys high school and I think I may have developed crushes on some of the guys there. I never thought of taking them on a date per say but I definitely found some of them incredibly attractive would think about them a lot and I think it was then I feared being gay the most as guys were taking up the vast majority of my fantasies.

    Now, when I came to college, I knew I wanted to have a girlfriend. I think it was more a superficial thing for myself to prove myself and it may have also been a status thing. I think all of the crushes I had on women were not genuine but we're just forced crushes as in she nice I need a girl friend let's see where this goes. I generLly did not think of these crushes in a sexual way and only thought about how I could ask them out but when the plan didn't work, I would get over it very quickly. Again I never found myself incredibly sexually attracted to women and never understood the obsession with boobs or ass thing, like I really didn't get it, but I did like guys in that kind of way lol. However, recently since I have become a bit more accepting of the fact I might be gay, things have all of a sudden become very unclear. Now, I have been doing "checks" to test my arousal with women and it has been somewhat off and on and it's difficult to tell if it's just like oh yeah your actually aroused or it could be one of those cases that is often pointed to here on this forum where the porn doesn't necessarily indicate the orientation.

    I have become very close friends with this girl I met freshman year. Of college. I never thought of her as a crush but really just as a best friend. Last year she told me she liked me and I had to tell her I loved her as a friend but didn't want a relationship with her at the time. We remained close friends and several months ago, I opened up to her about questioning my sexual orientation and she has been nothing but supportive of the entire process and putting up with me lol. Now very very very recently, like just pass few weeks, I have been wondering if I a m actually attracted to her. I have thought about it in the past as she's a wonderful person but quickly decided that she just is not the right partner for me. But idk recently it's been weird, like she kisses me on the cheek from time to time and I don't feel anything from it. I never thought about her Ina sexual sense really but recently have been cuddling with her and to be honest, I really like the feel of that. It's strange, I think I get slightly turned on by it and it's freaking me out big time because now I am like more confused than ever. Like whenever she hugs me now, I have to question whether or not I like her and there are some weird things that have really been turning me on for lack of a better term just recently I like the way she swallows and other silly mannerisms. She's lovely and I don't really imagine a sexual relationship with her but I think there were a few times I felt tempted to actually kiss her which is like really weird. Also, she pointed out that she feels sexual attraction has little to do with relationships and thatits really all about emotional attraction...who you can emotionally connect it. Is it right, I feel like it wouldn't make sense for a guy who is obsessed with penis lol to actually be straight successfully but maybe that's a thing, do straight guys like girls the same way gay guys like guys. Do all guys feel like this and are we all just bisexual and make a choice....I really don't know anymore.

    This is kind of beginning to annoy me now for a lot of reasons. For the longest time, I didn't want to be gay, and just recently I have accepted this as a possibility and now of course, everything is becoming unclear, it's like God is messing with me or something. If I am bi, then I know I have to be straight because no one I know including myself comeptlely understand bisexuality as if your pursue a seme sex relationship when you are bi, you are technically making a choice where I could make it easier on my family and just be in a straight relationship. However, I feel some pressure to be gay because I already talked to cournselers and some close friends I think it would be weird for them to see me in a hetero relationship. But I have to be honest with who I am. I feel that physically and sexually I am very predominately attracted to men I think and romantically it could probably work either way but idk, if Icouls possibly pursue a straight relationship I feel like I should just cuz my family is religious. Technically speaking I could probably pursue a straight relTionship. I'm not exactly sure how a gay relationship would work out, it might be weird at first since I did not think I was gay from the time iwas born lol and didn't imagine myself possibly marrying a guy until not too long ago even though I was attracted to guys. I'm not sure if this is because society conditioned me like this or because I am not actually meant to be gay.

    In terms of this girl, a lot of people have paired us together, like everyone and multiple people have told me that even if it's not a thing now, the universe is pulling us together and that it is inevitable. Could this be true? Am I beginning to fall for her? I am so confused and part of me before wanted to be straight and for some reason I can't explain, I feel part of me now actually wants to be gay.

    This is all that comes to mind now but I'm sure there's a lot of other things I am feeling which is making this complaicated. Anyway sorry this is so long but I appreciate any insight..thanks.
     
  2. ChaoticMind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Personally, I think you're homosexual, but heteromantic at the same time. So while I wouldn't say you're bisexual (as this is sexual attraction to both genders), I also wouldn't call you just homosexual if you feel like a romantic relationship could work with both genders.

    Hope all goes well :slight_smile:
     
  3. IrishBuddha6

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2015
    Messages:
    77
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey thank you for your response, it's strange cuz I don't feel that attraction anymore to that friend it may have just been a one time thing. It did strike me as odd cuz I feel I would have felt that way before. Anyway, I guess I'm just struggling with coming to terms with what gender I ultimately want to spend the rest of my life with and grow old with lol...