I'm here to learn more about others' experiences and help to better understand my way. In reading through a few of the posts, I could definitely relate to several, so I just wanted to post a little about me too. TL;DR -- Skip to Summary My dilemma I am constantly assessing my day-to-day choices internally, which can be tiresome. Over the past 9 or so years, I've tried to get a better definition of what I consider myself to be based on my preferences and beliefs. Why not to be straight? In a more accepting world, I could see myself having a male partner through life and I think this would be enjoyable. I'm not sure what causes this feeling -- i.e. if it's just a stronger form of camaraderie feeling -- but insofar as I can tell, it feels valid to me. I am more sexually attracted to males. I'm not sure if this relates to me being jealous of males that have features that I do not exhibit or take part in activities that I do not, or if it is truly my internal, physical belief. I am not sexually attracted to females. I do view the nude female body as a form of art, but it doesn't pique my sexual desire. I have great respect for females and when I was younger (< 12), I was attracted to them, but this has not been the case for a long time. I'm not one to identify as overly masculine and I don't identify as feminine. I tend to prefer to delve into more outdoorsy activities for recreation, which are generally considered "masculine", but if there was a "who's more macho" contest, I would run in the other direction as I really detest people trying to label others like this. Why to be straight? More straightforward / natural way to conceive children. I'm not necessarily pro having children, but if I decided later that I was, this would be a more difficult barrier to do so naturally. Less difficult to interact with others in the world. This way of life is considered "normal". I really do not want to be treated differently by others for this choice and I don't want to let people down. I'm not religious, but not being straight is almost an immediate rejection by any somewhat devout believers. Not sure how important this is, but it could drastically affect future earnings and opportunities negatively. I emotionally relate better to females and it tends to be easier to form stronger personal relationships here. What does this mean for my family heritage? Am I stopping my family tree? I'm not being pressured by outside forces -- i.e. parents -- in this regard, but it's something I really think about. Summary After reading only about other's experiences, I'm about 90% sure that I am not straight and probably 75% sure that I am not bi. If you were to ask me my choice today and I answered honestly without worrying about what anybody else thought or any repercussions, I would identify as gay. However, the world is not that simple and my strong belief right now is that there would be too many drawbacks for me to choose this now, even if it was the right choice for me. Does anyone have any insights?
The children part isn't a necessary consideration, as either partner could be sterile and then you'd go for adoption which is what gay couples do as well. As for family heritage, I'm the only guy that can carry the last name, so whether through natural method or adoption, kids can still take my last name. Assessing your day to day actions can be mentally tiring. Try to give it a break and let things go where they want. Of course, it's easier said than done. It took me a year to get to where I am right now. Worrying about what people think is a common issue for many people in general, not just speaking in terms in sexual orientation. With time, you'll begin to care less about what others think and more about yourself. It's certainly easier to be straight, but it is certainly harder to be someone you are not. Therefore, when you just be yourself, regardless of labels, that is where you find true happiness and satisfaction in life.
@Jax12, thanks for taking the time to address my concerns. I'm mentally not sure if I would be better off long term announcing not being straight to the outside world. It really does just come down to: is having things be easier (being straight) outweigh having things be real (not being straight)? Do the drawbacks of coming out outweigh the benefits? To me, those are really hard questions to answer.
Coming out does provide a sense of relief in a sense that you don't have to hide a part of yourself anymore. You don't have to come to anyone, but for me, coming out was a way to let people know who I'm interested in. People will assume you are straight until you say something. It's not about whether it's easier to be straight or not, rather, it's easier to be yourself and not what people expect you to be. The drawbacks of coming about never outweigh the benefits, although that's what it may seem like in the beginning. However, with time, you'll begin to focus more on yourself and less about others, only then will you begin to see the benefits in coming out.
It doesn't sound easier lying to a woman your whole life. That is messed up. Have some respect for others and yourself. Anyways, It's your world, we are just living in it. You decide who you want around you and where you want to be.
@Suspector, Agreed. I would not want to bring someone into my life under false pretenses. At this point, one of the main questions on my side now is really whether to be alone (relationship-wise) or if a companion/partner is the right route.
Well as someone stated above when you come out, everything is easier. You will see individuals who accept you for who you are and those that do not. I think once you accept who you are an come out, then the next step would be to meet other gay people and start from there. Don't jump into a relationship, and it would be wise to experiment and see what you are into man-wise
I am sorry but your post reads like a kind of clinical list pro straight sex- which reduces sex to procreation. It is kind of offensive to women to view them as walking baby- birthing machines- and it feels a bit like this is how you'd view them, if you were with them. This is a sign of internalised homophobia- a lot of homophobic statements about homosexual v. straight sex is based on making it seem more 'natural' way to conceive babies. If you still think like that- you still struggle with internalised homophobia. You cannot 'choose' to be straight- you are either gay, or bi- & judging by what you have said you heavily lean on the gay side. Straight sex is no more natural or less natural than gay sex when it comes to having a relationship- conception & birth is just part of it- many people have kids from one-night stands, without ever knowing they have them. Sexuality is so much more than procreation- it is about human contact, love, pleasure, interaction- bonding- you could argue that a straight couple who don't intend on having children also engage in 'unnatural' sex- if you stick to that limited description of sex as procreation- but of course nobody tells straight people that non-procreative sex is 'unnatural'. You could maybe find one woman that you 'clicked'- and ended up in a relationship with her- but this still would not be 'choosing' to be straight, because that is simply impossible if you are also attracted to men.
Thanks for posting LooseMoose. From an as objective standpoint as I can think of, I can definitely see where you're coming from, and you're not far off. When I think of "having a kid", as of today, there is not yet a way to have a two-way biological child with two members of the same biological sex. I am looking forward to the day when this is possible though -- that might drastically change my views! I'm sure this could be possible with science at some point. I've read some articles on it. I agree that my feelings are a bit contradictory and are likely due to internalized homophobia so as to not get outed by anyone. I'm not at a point where I would tell anyone in person, so this is probably a defense mechanism to avoid anything from slipping out. I realized after the fact that I should have changed my post from using the word "natural" to instead use the word "biological" since that is the connotation that I was going for. Sorry to have offended you. Sorry again about my wording here. I agree that the act of sex is more of a relationship bonding activity from a subjective standpoint. I have a hard time breaking up my thoughts when I switch context from objective to subjective. I would like nothing more to have a physical relationship with a man, but at the same time, I know there is currently a limit to my ability to have a biological child with him. I hope this isn't always the case. I am not at all opposed to adopting a child too, but when I consider if I would want to have kids, I would probably choose to have both biological and adopted kids. I can't see myself in a physical/sexual relationship with a woman. If I got into this situation out of my comfort zone, it wouldn't change my beliefs.
