Coming off anon as the author of this thread in the hope of some more answers! As I stated in these posts, I am pretty sure I'm gay. It's been three years since I really started questioning, but I think deep down I have always known. The thought of being in a relationship with a guy growing up just did not appeal, there were many jarring moments during conversations with straight female friends where I felt like woah, I do not feel that way at all and ever since acknowledging the idea of being gay, I have experienced attractions to girl in real life where just from one glance, I've felt myself turn hot, my heart pounding and my legs turn to jelly. These attractions felt innate and connected to myself - the only time I have felt (far milder) attractions like this to guys it felt oddly third person or experienced through some sort of filter, like a straight girl has just swooped into my mind and I've felt those attractions for her (heteronormativity, am I right??) Yet since questioning, I've started having sexual thoughts/fantasies about guys. I'm still trying to work out if these desires are really coming from me, or just a way of deflecting the truth - as every time I try to accept the fact that I am 100% gay I feel extremely depressed. Anyway, I really do get off on these fantasies physically, to the point where I find it much more difficult to fantasize about being physical with a woman. But as I said, with these male fantasies, and when I'm around any guys I "like" (but don't have anywhere near the same heart racing/head spinning feelings around like I do with girls I find attractive) it's like my brain/self has gone through some sort of straight filter. At least I feel that's probably what it is, but I'm not sure whether it could in fact be another facet of my identity, just a less deep/innate part. I just feel so fractured and conflicted. It doesn't help that I feel most confident/happy/at ease with myself once I've been through this "filter". It feels like it's not just my sexuality that's going back and forth and round in circles, but the rest of my identity too. It's exhausting! Is it possible to experience a strong physical urge to be physical with guys, while still only be extremely physically attracted to girls in real life? Is this a genuine example of polysexuality, or just a case of being extremely in denial? I am really in need of some sort of dialogue about this!
I think it sound like possibly just bisexual. Have you had actual sexual experiences with both or either sex yet? That will probably be a good indicator of which sex you are more physically attracted to being with, rather than just which you might like to fantasize about. Although, it might really just be a 50/50 split if you are bisexual. I see you identify as a Kinsey 5 though... Is that just due to that you currently feel much more attracted to females?
Hello! i have had that too since my start of realization of sexuality and this whole questioning process. where i was having sex with guys in my dream. i think that it is hard to start with a new identity or label, so even if that you could just possibly be flushing the straight away as you said heteronormative.... it could also be that you still like being physical with guys and ur subconscious is saying that.... Dreams are just that and you have to see how you want to process it you havent really told us your age. Because if you have yet to experience with men.. then i think you should do it as much as experience with women. it could be a physical thing it could not. (coming back from the anonymous post) Wow.. it seems like this questioning has put you in a dark place. just like it has to me so first and foremost here is a hug(*hug*)! i understand completely what you are going through. First off have you spoken to anyone in real life about this? maybe a therapist? i think it could help to process out these feelings and emotions... Saying it out loud also helps a lot. it seems like you have genuine feelings for this guy.. I dont want to advocate for any labels and i also dont think you should pressure yourself much (so much easier said then done)... i like you also feeeeel gay but i have had genuine crushes on guys.. which makes me wonder of the validity of my identity... it has been a real struggle just like for you because if that is the case.. then i would rather go be with a guy.. right? i want it the family the kids the man... my suggestion would be dont shrug off any feelings. you are valid. your feelings are valid and labels is really what is weighing you down. Enjoy your time with this guy.. or with anyone because, a relationship could end for a million reasons aside from sexuality. Feel free to write on my wall i always reply. BTW. I REAAALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR INTERNAL TURMOIL.:bang::icon_sad:
Thanks for your replies. I'm 23, and haven't had sex with anyone as of yet, or come close to it (as in making out or whatever). The most I've done is kiss male friends at parties during games of truth or dare or spin the bottle - the last time this happened I really, really did not want to kiss this male friend but then again I'm not attracted to him in the slightest and have only ever thought of him platonically! I cuddled up with a female friend for about a quarter of an hour during the first year of uni (which felt really nice), this friend has since come out as gay but I believe only in a romantic sense (having up until recently identified as asexual). I've felt sensual/sexual reactions to both male & female friends who've gotten sort of touchy/feely with me. I identify as Kinsey 5 indeed because I am generally overwhelmingly attracted to women physically, and also find it easier in general to imagine falling in love with a woman while being completely, profoundly myself. Thanks for the hug benefit25, right back at you! (*hug*) I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, but equally am glad we are able to share our experiences in a place like this. In real life I've only spoken about this in depth with my mum, and that has only been in times of absolute desperation. Both my parents are not open about things like this so I found it difficult to talk with her but I think she is at least accepting - she has said I need to focus on other parts of my life, but ultimately if I can't do that then I really just need to find a way of accepting myself. But I've always avoided thinking about the future because growing up, I thought my future had to be like everyone else's - married to a man, with kids etc and the fact I couldn't imagine that scared me, so I've always just lived for the here and now. Now I've come to a point in my life where all of my peers (including my twin sister) are becoming steadily more independent - having finished uni, gotten full-time, well paid jobs, with partners, moving out etc yet I feel stagnant, still unable to focus on the future not least because all I can imagine is more of this painful, self-destructive cycle of thinking, to the point where focusing on other aspects of my life feels pointless because nothing is going to rid me of this internal pain.
So I am around the same age as you just a year younger i was born in 1992. I feel you with everyone getting married and having well paid jobs, and then its just me here thinking about this sexuality thing and that has really been weighing me down. I am a bit better than before, I can sleep and eat again (yeah it was that bad) and I haven't had a burst of anxiety in a few days, although thinking that it could come back is anxiety as well:eek:. Its great that you found comfort your mom. I wish I had the strength to share my struggles with her, since she is my best friend, yet here I am going through this alone. I have a therapist who is working with me, and she isn't the best, but she has helped me process these thoughts. I think what really works here is finding a safe place (aka, Empty closets) to find support and people who are going through exactly the same (me). When i start thinking about the future, I feel this knot on my neck, and slowly i feel the anxiety, stress and worry kicking it. When that happens, I take a deep breathe, like DEEEEP and tell myself that there are things I cannot control. What I can control is now, and how I don't want to have turmoil. I can only focus on finding a job, eating more healthy, and working out(Which I had stopped because I wasn't eating). Maybe this is not for you but I also attempted meditation and praying. I also understand your Asexuality, not because I consider myself to be, But because I take birth control (hormonal reasons) and the pill kills my sex drive. I used to be very sexual and in contact with my body and loved getting wet for men, but now men do nothing to me internally and that really sucks:dry:. I can't stop taking the pills either. Now I have never been with a girl, or cuddled aside from sleepovers (where i do not cuddle with them), so I have no idea if that is what i want. however i do know is that the idea of being with a woman is more appealing than being with a guy right now, and thinking of being with a guy makes me a bit scared. That is another story. My advice to you would be to take it easy on you. You are still not very experimented and this is a process. i have learned this the hard way. Again, (*hug*)
I'm also 1992 - just early! For me in the worst periods there is really nothing I can do but sit and ride it out. It is funny though how much my state of mind/identity alters even just over the course of a day. Today I headed to work in the mindset of: ok, I'm gay, that's who I am, there's no point contemplating other possibilities as I will never feel more sure about myself than I do at this point, and the more I stick to this way of thinking, the sooner I will find myself/be comfortable with who I am. I know this mindset should have felt freeing & illuminating but I just felt very stifled by it, and it was difficult to remain upbeat in my communications with colleagues as I just felt so depressed and weary. Yet by the end of the day I felt lighter and more open to other possibilities. I can't tell which is worse really - feeling mistrustful of & exhausted by how much my sense of self is shifting all the time - or weighed down by a heavy, all-encompassing absolute. I wouldn't say I was asexual btw - although I guess some people would assume that based on my behaviour/experience. It's interesting you have experienced a shift in your sexual proclivity - as I feel I have gone through the same thing but in the opposite direction, having always been deeply repelled by the idea of experiencing that kind of bond/activity with a man while growing up, yet now, having started questioning, have discovered a part of me that does find it appealing, whilst still being aware that this desire does not feel anywhere near as true or innate as the potential of having this with another girl.
Hey foxconfessor. I read over your other thread and it's striking to me how many parallels there are in our stories. I too obsessed over a guy off and on for years, though the guy I liked was a close friend. My only female "contact" has been cuddling with a (I now realize) crush years ago, however, and if I think back to that time that physical contact was just so much more pleasurable and comfortable than doing anything similar with my male crush, who eventually became my boyfriend for awhile, and is now my ex. I too have some male attractions, but like you the feelings I have toward females are overwhelmingly more powerful. Unlike you I don't really have sexual fantasies about men, though, so that is a difference. But anyway, I too consider myself Kinsey 5 on the Kinsey scale. Another difference, I would say, is that if I try to consider myself bisexual I start to feel stressed, agitated. When I ask myself why I feel such anxiety, the answer that comes is "because then I'd have to be with guys." I know that logically that's not true, but that is what my gut tells me, and throughout my questioning process I have been working on listening to my "gut," something I've never been particularly good at before. Ask yourself- why does the thought of being gay depress you? I certainly was very depressed and anxious about the idea when I started questioning, too, and I'm sure many are. Still those feelings resurface at times, but I can tell you that with time you can and will grow more comfortable with your identity, be that bi, gay, or whatever label you choose (if you choose one). But, my suggestion is to try to examine whether your feelings of depression are because you don't want to be tied exclusively to being with women, or if they are more externally based (you fear what others will think, and so on), or both, or something else entirely. I'd also suggest trying to relax a little and just let your attractions (or lack of attractions) come and go naturally. Much easier said than done when you are in this questioning stage, I know. But I think if you can try to just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling it may help you understand these attractions you are having to men a bit better. Maybe they're genuine, but less strong than your attractions to women. Maybe they are forced. Only you can tell, but try to be patient with yourself and give yourself time and space to feel (or not feel) these things.
TheStormInside, thanks for your comment. Our situations do sound similar. I've thought about the attractions I have had in the past, and the attractions I expect to have in the future, and the ones that are the most instantaneous, powerful, uncontrollable and connected to me are those I experience towards other girls. With guys, it's like I've had to think about it first, and then decided I found them attractive, and then if they smiled at me or paid me any attention I'd feel this very pleasant, warm feeling that did illicit some sexual response. Yet at the same time, during this process, I could always feel myself becoming more and more not myself, while still feeling those things physically. Yet this has only happened with a handful of guys in my lifetime - although I think I spent a lot of time growing up assessing guys and seeing if I could feel that way - right now I'm not sure how I could objectively find some guys attractive and not be able to feel that way, and with others I could. Either way, it doesn't feel significant or consequential to me, as, like you, the thought of actually pursuing any would make me feel anxious and nauseous. It's just annoying how much more enjoyable I find that warm feeling with guys, compared to the kind of uncontrollable explosion of heat I'd feel (and do still feel) around girls I find attractive. Although I should say this still happens rarely! All I can say about those feelings of depression/anxiety/nausea etc is that they have literally always been there, from the very first moment I learnt, aged 8 or 9, that women could be together in that way. It was the same feeling I get from seeing a girl I find extremely attractive - like a punch in the gut, heart pounding, body temperature rising but also nausea, anxiety and pain. I honestly cannot say what caused these negative feelings as I didn't know about homophobia then, only, I guess, that it wasn't the norm. Perhaps it was the sheer singularity & isolation of those feelings, and the power of them that made me feel ashamed. I feel like maybe pushing all those feelings down and not dealing with them has left those negative feelings so tightly bound with the feeling of desire that the two feel as innate as each other. It still doesn't explain the feelings I have sometimes when thinking about my male crush - as I had never been able to fantasize about a guy sexually until him, even though I didn't experience sexual desire when actually in his presence. However I would say that whenever my straight, female friends bring him up in conversation and push me on why we haven't gotten together yet, I do feel a wave of nausea and anxiety, with an acute sense that I've been lying to myself, that I don't really like him at all that way. Yet despite this, it doesn't take long before I get back into the cycle of thinking about him in a romantic/sexual way, like I just can't let go of the possibility, even though often those feelings are quite abstract and I would say not actually connected to him, but more like the idea of him, going back to, perhaps, a mere idea of myself. I'm not even sure if this is making sense any more, sorry! The notion of sexuality and identity are just so vast for me, I feel like I'm constantly slipping in and out of different universes of experience.....
