So I've been having a bit of anxiety recently... Im a 20yo male. This ones long (and at least to me) a bit of a doozy, so see if you can help a guy out. To explain my sexual/romantic history, as long as I can remember, I've been into girls. Theyre the only ones Ive had crushes on, theyre the only ones Ive been on dates with, theyre the only ones Ive been in relationships with. At ages 15-17 I was in a relationship that involved a lot of sex, being horny teenagers that we were, and during that I never had any questions or problems. After that, although I was dating girls on and off, I've only recently come into another sexual relationship which I am still in. There are a couple of blips on my otherwise straight(ha) record. When I was fifteen, before that girlfriend, my and my (non-blood related - that was how I persuaded myself it wasn't incestuous) cousin, who was also a male. They were kind of sleepover-esque dare games that often escalated into having his dick in my mouth, which I did enjoy. We eventually stopped doing this, but having discovered that part of myself, I was and to this day still watch gay and other non straight porn. I've found a taste for submissive gay porn, and cross dressing/transsexual porn (picturing myself as the cross dresser/transsexual) along the way in this. I even put on some of moms underwear at one point. I guess I like the idea of being on the bottom, even though I've never actually tried it. Although I do enjoy that stuff, I've only ever considered being with a man sexually, never romantically. As much as I like dick, there's nothing about the face or body of a man that really arouses me. To further that, I've also never met a guy who I was romantically interested in. I have to confess this is a side I like to keep between me myself and my right hand, I never really saw any benefit of telling people you know, like why would I tell anyone if I didnt have to? Maybe Its a shame thing, im not fully sure. So to sum that up, I guess I'd honestly call myself a bisexual, even though If you were talking to me in person Id say straight. So that's my history, but my problems with sexuality only recently started, and they came with the sexual relationship i'm in now. The first time we did anything, everything was going great, Id had a crush on her for a while so I was pretty aroused when we started snuggling and making out. But we went up to go to the bathroom before we got more handsy, and when we got back, my erection had gone. It only took about five minutes for it to come back, so I just chalked it up to anxiety. The next few times were great. The most recent time however, we were snuggling and making out, I had a hard on, she told me to get up and grab a condom, and when I started putting it on, the erection started fading, disappeared, and then didn't come back. I wasn't drunk and I wasn't nervous (at least up until it started disappearing). I've been freaking over that moment since. Since then I've just kind of been questioning if maybe I'd slided to the gayer side of the spectrum. I started looking at porn to test myself, and was realizing I got more aroused more quickly by non straight porn. But I've never really had the same attraction to men, which is weird, I've never met a man who I offhandedly thought was hot or who Id like to have sex with, but present me with just a dick and I can start to get aroused. So I feel kind of stuck on this one. Whilst I have no huge desire to go out with men, or even find any of them cute/hot/whatever, I do find myself aroused by the idea of basically serving them in that sexual kind of way. And while I really like women, (specifically the girl i'm with now) and can get off to them, it looks like I may be having a couple of problems in the arousal department. Its a weird spot that I've never really heard of, being romantically/sexually attracted to women, but with possibly stronger sexual feelings for men (specifically dicks, and only dicks). Like, what the hell do I do here? I want relationships with women, so do I just go out and get some viagra in case Im having trouble performing? It doesn't sound convenient or hugely healthy, but its the only solution I can think of. The whole things just kinda leaving my confused and anxious. Anything you can tell me about this would be helpful cause I am like soooooo lost. More lost than the TV show Lost's conclusion. Thanks a bunch!
