So I'm 21, female, and I've never dated anyone. Ever. (I once went on a couple of dates with a guy, but we decided just to stay friends.) Since about age 17, I've been questioning my sexuality. It started with an interest/attraction to androgynous, tomboyish girls, and then I got a crush on my best girl friend and I just got more and more confused, sometimes thinking I was bi and sometimes thinking I was a lesbian. The confusion stems from the fact that I'm romantically pretty attracted to both sexes, but much more to guys. This is probably the result of pressure from a heteronormative society and a very homophobic family, but I feel like I would maybe be more fulfilled in a relationship with a guy - that is, if I could get past the fact that I'm not at all sexually attracted to them. All of my sexual thoughts involve women, never men. The idea of hetero sex kind of grosses me out. But what concerns me the most is that my orientation seems to change like the weather. Some days (usually when my libido is low) I feel like I would only ever want to be with a man, that I could have the perfect family life and have the whole "opposites attract" thing and it would be great. But other days (seems like maybe it corresponds with menstruation/ovulation, or whenever libido is higher) I feel like a bona fide lesbian and remember that I'm actually not attracted to men. I feel like I'm just drifting, and that I will never settle down with anyone. I'm 21, and not only have I never been in a relationship, but I don't even know what kind of person I would like to date. I also feel very alone because no one in my family knows that I feel this way, and they assume that I'm straight, especially because I've had crushes on guys in the past (although now I'm wondering how much that was me framing my platonic crushes as regular ones because it was "normal"). I have no one I can talk to about this and I'm afraid to tell anyone about how my orientation seems to shift often because I'll seem flighty and nonsensical. I guess I'm just afraid to step out onto the doorstep of life (graduating college soon, looking for a job and a place to live) all alone and not even remotely knowing if I will find someone, or if it will be a man or woman. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Can you offer any advice?
Hello you! Thisss is how i feeel! EXAAACTLY how i feel. i like men, but not sexually... i mean i can have sex with a guy if i have to but, im not aroused by it... i also like and want a family and kids.. and i want my kids to have a father... this whole not knowing who the father is. through invitro. seems unfair for the kids specially and a bit selfish doing that to them (hopefully i dont offend anyone, its just that i would always want to know who i come from) First and foremost, and i think that when i write this im saying this to myself, but dont worry too much about the future. I just graduated so I am in the whole process of finding a job and finding myself and June was just a really hard month. I thought i wasn't gonna make it alive. Not kidding. So right now im just trying to focus on what i can control which is finding a job. I am not saying that this is what you should do too.. but focus on things you can control such as your last semester or school year. as for advice.. i haven't figured it out myself i can just say that i understand 10000% what you are going through.. the prospect of the unknown... the future.. the uncertainty.. so for now.. i can only control finding a job.. looking to be independent and making myself happy. As for finding someone I think we will always find someone, I think we just worry too much about what sex its gonna be. Please feel free to post on my wall or add me as a friend I really really really understand your struggle.
First of all I wanna send some comfort and support your way! It's totally okay that you are feeling this way, and this is a great place to start figuring out what you're feeling. I understand what you are saying - the part about romantic attraction to both sexes but a sexual attraction to women is very relatable, as I have felt that way in the past. I just want to tell you it's 100% okay and normal and fine that you haven't dated anyone yet. I myself had a very serious relationship with a guy when I was 15 and it really screwed me up -- I felt very weird about it but was like "this is what I am supposed to be doing" so I just carried on with it much longer than I should have. So, I'd say being without that experience wouldn't have been so bad. But anyway, you are only 21. A friend of mine just got into his first real relationship at 25. It's different for everyone and no way is wrong or right. You are absolutely entirely OK as you are right now. As for the feelings, try your best to relax and explore them in a safe environment. Keep a journal, and talk openly with yourself about what it is you are feeling. Admit to yourself whether or not you *want* to be a certain sexual orientation (like "I wish I were gay but I still feel things for men" or "I wish I were straight but I find women attractive") This will help you put the pieces together and just to be honest with yourself. Do not berate yourself or make yourself feel worse -- you are who you are and there is NOTHING wrong with it! Like benefit25 said, don't let this eat you up too much. Just control what you can, focus on keeping your head above the water, finding a job, finding a place to live, etc. Work on yourself, keep up with hobbies or activities you like. Through these things you might find out more about yourself and what kind of future you envision for yourself. I hope that helped in some way, just know that we hear you and support you.
Hi Hillwanderer. If it's any help, around the age of 20/21 I was seriously confused and didn't know what I was in terms of orientation. I knew I could be attracted to guys through the emotional route - but girls were a whole other thing that I couldn't make sense of as it seemed so alien to everything I knew. Being attracted to women was frightening because of the strong feelings they evoked in me. I didn't do much about it at the time as the message was "you're confused", "you're going through a phase". So I went back in the closet as I could still be attracted to men. But then, fast forward another 10 years and I realised I couldn't ignore my feelings towards women any more - and actually all those things I heard women said about men made sense - but actually for me, it was women I lusted after. For me, being attracted to men was like pale pastel colours, whereas for women it was like vibrant intense colours. I know that if I was in another generation, I could have maybe been married to a man, and have been relatively happy. But knowing what I do now, I would have been bored and I would have missed out. But when I was younger, I was so desperate to find a husband and to be "normal", I didn't listen to myself all that well. Now - I'm dreaming of finding a wife (*hug*) I wish now that I was kinder to myself - and let my feelings be what they were. I wish I hadn't listened to the voices that said being confused was necessarily a wrong place to be. What I am also learning is that in any given moment you're not going to be consciously aware of your orientation - as you're not going to be turned on 24 hrs a day! It's often only when I'm actually in the head space of being attracted to someone that I think, "Oh yeah, actually you are really gay". Even now, I find myself wondering - could I be with a man? I probably could in all honesty if I tried. But - do I want to be? Could I imagine lusting after a body that just doesn't make sense to me? No. Am I attracted to androgynous femininity? Yes. Are some men feminine? Yes. But do I want to have a sexual relationship with them? No. But they would make great friends. So, my advice would be - feel what you feel, and be honest with yourself, which ever way that takes you. Listen to yourself when you're attracted to someone. Things will gradually become clearer - but give yourself space and time.
I absolutely identify with everything you said. Its like if I really tried to be in a relationship with a guy I could but I would have to try, and should you really have to try with love? With women I don't have to work to feel affection and love towards them it just comes naturally. Being with women fills me with passion and being with men fills me with boredom. Its not awful being with men but there is always a distance and discontent there.
