I have identified as a lesbian for a while now, but have been increasingly uncomfortable with that identification. I know I am not a cis woman, thanks to a lot of research and talking to friends. But none of the articles I have read really explain how I feel. Im not physically or sexually attracted to either gender. I have been in one sexual relationship and we were friends for months before she asked me out and dated for several months before she asked to have sex. I enjoyed it, physically, but emotionally I was just empty about the whole thing. She was a really good friend, but as far as I am concerned, we could have only gone as far as cuddling and kissing some. This was all five years ago. I have no trouble looking at someone and recognising that they are physically attractive, but it really does nothing for me. And the only relationships I have been in, started after being friends with the person for months before hand. Im not sure if that makes me aesexual but that seams to the the only label I have found that comes close to how I feel. Can anyone help? Kitt :bang::bang::bang:
The thing about asexuality is that it doesn't always mean that you're celibate. There are asexuals who are repulsed by sex and there are ones who aren't. You can have sex and be an asexual, the only requirement is that you don't feel sexual attraction (which is different than arousal). As for the romantic aspect, it sounds to me like you're demiromantic. But, that would imply that you were eventually romantically attracted to your partner. To answer your question, you sound like a demiromantic asexual, given the information you've provided. I would look into the asexual spectrum and find something that fits. And if you can't, don't worry too much about labels. It can be reassuring to have one, but don't just pick something that's not right for the sake of having one.
Keep in mind that any of these unrecognized labels (demiromantic, demisexual, aromantic, and even asexual the way it is described by "the asexual community") are simply words made up by a tiny community of people who have made them up entirely out of "groupthink", with no credible basis in science, research or study. These terms, and the definition of "asexual" that this group is putting forth are recognized *only* by this tiny group and no one else. And there's a reason for that: The terms pretty much all describe either issues that have a psychological / family-of-origin issue that isn't permanent, hardwired, or unchangeable, or (in the case of things like "demisexual" or "demiromantic") conditions that already fit well within the spectrum of normal, ordinary sexual expression. This isn't to say you can't or shouldn't use those labels if they benefit you, only that you need to know they're essentially made-up words that have no meaning outside of a very, very tiny community of people. Additionally, given that they are describing conditions that are for the most part a byproduct of family-of-origin or psychological issues, identifying with these labels has the potential to leave you settling for less than the optimal, most wholehearted life you could be living. For example, since most people who have reduced sex drive have it because of underlying anxiety, depression, or other psychological conditions that are quite resolvable, simply accepting and labeling yourself as-is limits the potential for experience and joy and pleasure that you could potentially have if you pay attention to and work on those issues. I am not trying to devalue or invalidate anyone who choose to use the labels, but honestly, this small group of people are creating a new label for something every other week, and doing so with nothing on which to ground them, and, ultimately, not doing people a service in the long run. What you (OP) are describing is actually very, very common and almost always a byproduct of psychological issues, usually from family, rather than physiological hard wiring. So you can label it anything you want, and accept it... or you can explore what's going on that is impacting the lack of attraction and arousal. For my money, the possibility of being able to live life fully, to truly experience the joy of love and intimacy and arousal... is not something I'd want to give up and walk away from without at least considering the possibility that there's an alternative.
I agree with everything that he said. I forget sometimes that the rest of the world is not like Tumblr with their obsession with naming and renaming things in a desperate attempt to not be straight (which is a rather ironic reversal of just about everywhere else, unfortunately). I do apologize for spreading their mentality (which even I don't really buy into). Clearly this website is far more logical (and won't bite off people's heads for not accepting every new "orientation").
Re: Anyone Asexual? Asexuality is, and has historically been, understudied, both as a sociological phenomenon and as a bio- and psychological one. So there is a lack of scientific consensus; that's true. Here, nonetheless, are a few links you may find of interest: Asexuality: Classification and Characterization (Kinsey Institute) Stanford scholar blazes pathway for academic study of asexuality (Stanford) Feature: Glad to be asexual (New Scientist) Still, people like labels. People want to describe themselves. They want to find others whose experiences mirror their own. They want to explain themselves to those whose experiences differ. Even people who, as Chip puts it, 'already fit well within the spectrum of normal, ordinary sexual expression'. So, what do we know? We know that hormone levels of all sorts (physiological 'soft-wiring', if you will) affect sex drive, interest, and enjoyment. We know that both asexual and aromantic identities seem to be more prevalent among people on the autistic spectrum (also once thought, incidentally, to be 'a byproduct of family-of-origin or psychological issues'). We know that asexual identification seems to be more common in women. Honestly, I'd say if you're happy as you are, pick a label that suits you (if you want one!) and don't worry about it. If you're unhappy, see your doctor, see your therapist, experiment on your own and/or with a trusted confidant.
Thank you for all your responses. Im in a bit of a better head space today and your responses all really helped. This is definitely something that I will be talking to my councillor about. Thanks for your support. Kitt
