Have I been chasing the wrong thing all these years?? (36/M)

Hi all,

What a wonderful website. I came across it yesterday after Googling "Gay denial" and I've been hooked on it ever since.

I wonder if you can shed any light on my story, or share your experiences or advice?

***

I'm 36 and male. For as far back as I can remember I've been doing two things:

1. Trying to make myself perfect so that girls will want me
2. Looking for the perfect girl

I'm starting to wonder if maybe there's been nothing wrong with me all along and maybe I've spent a lifetime pushing down longing feelings of being with, and being held by guys (just like in that amazing photo on the EC homepage).

I've always felt different and sadly, less of a man, than other men. I've felt this from a very young age. I was never that into football/soccer or sporty things - and preferred computer games and gentle fun rather than overly boisterous stuff.

Still, over the years I've massively worked on myself to become more of a man's man. It's been very tough and, although I've achieved loads, I've never felt content.

I was very insecure around women from a young age. I always knew I wasn't good enough. I fancied the pretty girls in school but they never fancied me - it was clear that I was unsure of myself. In secondary school girls started to fancy me and I started doing something I've done my entire life since then: finding faults with their looks or personality... or something... and pushing them away.

In my later teens and twenties I found that I was good looking and could chat up women and so started to have sex. Sex was great and I loved it, but I never wanted anything more. I didn't really want to be friends with these girls - not really. There was always something missing. Maybe in me, or maybe in them. So I kept looking for other girls, better girls, for a variety of reasons and was always single. (I appreciate how chauvinistic this all sounds - I really didn't have a clue what I was doing back then. I would obsess and fantasise about a girl... and maybe eventually get her... but there would always be something missing. Always. So after having sex or thereabouts I would run away... and start searching for the next girl. So I was always, always single and before long I started to have a complex about that).

Now in all this time I never once thought about having a relationship with a guy. I liked my guy friends and sometimes felt insecure around them. Most were able to get into proper relationships with girls and couldn't understand why I couldn't do that. "What's wrong with her?" etc. I always knew that men shouldn't get too close to other men - something I learned from my Dad growing up. "Men shouldn't cuddle men". I think it might have been around the age of 21-25 that I started noticing that some of the guys were attractive and gentle, but then immediately pushed it down because that wouldn't be a good thing to think about and kept on chasing women.

Fast forward to now: I'm 36, still single. I've slept with loads of women over the years but never really wanted anything more. There have been a few girls who I did really connect with - they were smart and funny, but I felt I didn't fancy them enough. Often, when lying in bed with them at night, I had a voice shouting "you're gay". "She can't give you what you want", "hold you like you want and make you feel safe". All my friends are married with a house and one kid. And I'm stuck.

I had an epiphany yesterday when talking to my mum: I admitted to myself that there have been many times over the last few years where I've felt drawn towards guys or have noticed them... but immediately pushed the feelings down and/or ran away from them. Like when I've told them how I am struggling with things in life or after a night of clubbing when we're chilling back at their/my place.

I again, very recently tried to date women. I setup a profile online and had some nice responses... but something inside me just can't do it. I cancelled the two dates I was supposed to go on over the weekend. I just can't face the inevitable feelings of "there's something missing" and "you're gay" and "what's wrong with me". It seems like everyone I know is moving forward in life but I'm stuck.

I have setup a profile on a gay dating website but so far I haven't been able to go through with it. And that's where I'm at. Sorry for the long rant. It feels great to get this off my chest. If you've been able to read through this far I really thank you and would appreciate any feedback that you have.

Thanks xxx

 

bump!

 

Thanks mate. This seems like a good idea - meeting up for sports activities etc.

Funny that you call me a butch gay As you can probably tell from my post, masculinity is something that I've always felt that I was lacking in. And yet here you call me butch!

 

Wow, thanks Chip - a great reply and very helpful.

Unfortunately for me fantasy via masturbating may not be the best indicator of sexual preference. I didn't state this in my original post but I'm a sex addict. I've been seeing a therapist for a few years now and go to Sex Addicts Anonymous 12 step meetings. I've relied on porn, masturbation and sex in general to deal with life and my high anxieties since I was around 16 years old.

My porn has escalated from topless women through to hardcore straight sex to eventually transsexuals, cross dressing and now occasionally gay sex. I have also developed a penis fetish when it comes to porn and fantasy.

So, for me, fantasy is a big grey area because I've abused my natural instincts over the years as a way of coping with life.

However, through therapy and SAA I have managed to get periods of complete abstinence from all masterbation. And what I found out (and what scared me the last time this happened) was that I started longing to be held and looked after by guys. This realisation scared me so much last time that I dipped back into porn and compulsive masterbation just to deal with everything. But I feel like I'm starting to get some clarity.

 

Hi LooseMoose, I just want to thank you for your reply. It's really powerful stuff and very on-point.

Everything you're saying is true, and I'm pleased to report that I'm going through a lot of this in therapy right now. In fact, my therapist is often getting me to stop focusing on the panic of deciding my sexuality... and instead really see/feel/examine my strong need to be held and protected by a man and understand where that comes from... and my feelings of inadequacy and not being enough of a man myself. We spend a lot of time talking about my relationship with my father. He was a bully, scary and never interested. I certainly never felt protected. And I'm a very anxious person by nature. (Still am, even though I hide it well)

You're absolutely right - this doesn't make me straight, gay, bi, or anything - but it has affected how I see myself and how I react to others. I'm in therapy for a reason. Admitting that makes me feel better about myself.

It's really interesting to hear about your longings to be held by a guy, and then finding out that you're not really attracted to them sexually. This is really interesting. I've never had sex with a guy before and I feel that it's something that I should try. It'll be interesting to see how it feels, baring in mind that it'll be new and I'll be battling with some potential in-built homophobia... so I'll need to take it slowly. But I want to explore it, safely.

My penis fetish is something that I developed much later in my addiction to porn. When I started out it was purely topless women that got me off. But, as with all addictions, mine escalated and I needed new and exciting things to get me off. Again, this has all been explored in therapy and a lot of 12 step SAA meetings.

I eventually stumbled onto transexual porn after around 10 years of daily viewing. At first I found that it definitely wasn't for me, but before long it became my drug of choice (taboo, mixed with feelings of "I shouldn't be watching this", and the old stuff not doing it for me anymore). From there I got into cross-dressing porn and more extreme forms of male submission. Now... and this is another thing I explore in therapy... truthfully a lot of what's exciting to me about this porn and my current penis fetish... is that it plays directly into my deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy. It's me becoming the girl and submissive - and that's a big reason why I find it so powerful. I can tell you that I'm rarely looking at the man with the penis - it's just the penis. I'm never thinking "he's hot". It's more that I could be submissive and made to feel weak etc. I sometimes of course think "it would be great to be held by him" but that's more of an afterthought. So, when I'm watching porn I'm focusing on the girl and wanting to be her, rather than fantasising about the guy. Apologies if this is all a bit heavy - it's just that porn has been my crutch for many, many years - and I've definitely de-sensitised myself to a lot of things... and it can very much muddy the waters.

Next there's the feelings of butterflies (or is it anxiety, panic, or uncomfortableness), that I often get nowadays when I come across a gentle guy - one that fits in with my fantasy of holding me. I'm pretty sure I've pushed these feelings down for a long time... so it will be good to stop doing that and explore them a bit more.

All in all I just want to thank you for reminding me that there's a difference between sexual needs and emotional needs. I can tell you that, without thinking, I find women attractive (probably in the same way you do). Put me in a room with a girl I like and I'll find myself naturally wanting to talk to her and get close to her. Cuddle, snuggle, kiss etc. But then my head kicks in and gets in the way with "she can't give you what you need". In terms of course of holding me, protecting me, or even being that dominant sexual partner (I know all this is nonsense, but sadly it's where I'm at in my head).

Naturally when I'm out and about I'll notice women. It can be a bit much sometimes walking along the high street and I need to keep my head to the pavement. When I'm in an airport and queuing (in those zigzag queue lines) it's always the girls that I'm looking at and thinking "I wish I could have a girlfriend like that", but then I get sad because I know that there's always been something missing.

Now with men, this is much more of a new thing. I get anxious, butterflies, uncomfortable when I get up close. I'm aware of that now. Especially when he looks into my eyes - I sort of panic. (OCD unwanted thoughts maybe - I've looked into this a lot and have been diagnosed with OCD). And then an urge to kind of turn around and be held by him. Be the little spoon. As for sex or even kissing - who knows. Maybe I've been denying true male sexual urges all along... but I don't think this is the case. Hmm... I'm not sure. I guess all I can do is try and see if I like it.

 

@LooseMoose:

You said that you had a longing to be held by a guy and that you found that there was no sexual attraction. Did the longing go away after that? Or is it something that you still feel but just know how to handle now? Or have you found a way to get that from a girl?

And was it immediately obvious that there was no sexual attraction? Or did you try with a few different guys etc?

Have to say, I'm a bit scared to find out what I'm gonna find out. Whatever that is. And I'm just so conscious that I love sex anyways so I could get hooked into that regardless.

Either way, it's amazing to be able to talk about all this stuff. And not feel like such a freak to be stuck, still single, when everyone else seems to be in (not always happy but I'm still jealous!) LT relationships.

 

Thanks