i almost did it today i was within minutes of doing it i was about to have sex with a guy but before we could even get to his place i started dry heaving and hyperventilating and i told him to stop the car and i ran home and he texted me that it was okay but now I'm paranoid because he knows where i live and i need to move from my house and get a new phone number i can't do it i just can't embrace my sexuality i need to get serious medical help I'm having a panic attack unlike anything I've ever experienced-- its not the worst but it's the weirdest oh my god what have i done i can't even look at myself in the mirror I'm somebody's son and i was about to lower myself to doing something like that oh holy shit i can't believe that just happened i just put cardboard on all my windows blacking out the sun and onlookers they're watching me man they're all watching me theres a gay mafia or something and they have it in for ditherers like me man i know it I'm going to get whacked by the gay mob this isn't good I'm freaking out I'm totally fraking the fuck out please someone tell me how i can get the gay mob off my back i know they're out there please someone tell them not to whack me i dont wanna get whacked by the velvet mafia please I'm so sorry I'm so sorry i know he said it was ok i know he was cool about it but they have been watching me for five years now and i need to make them go away i can't call the cops the cops are already part of the machine and i can't go to the government because they'd never believe me I'm so scared what the fhelcm am i can do
Calm down, it's okay. No gay mafia, no one's going to "whack" you for not having sex. Breath deep and try to center yourself. If this is something you are not ready for, then don't do it. Sex is not mandatory by anyone for anything. It is not "lowering" yourself to have desire. A lot of that is just social "programming" we've picked up from peer/parents telling us how we "should" be. You get enough of that, then it will put you in conflict of what your own body and mind are telling you do want, anxiety and other negative emotions are sometimes the result. Been there, hell, still there. You should seek out the help with a counselor to help get you past some of these issues so that you can be comfortable in your own skin. You may never get to the point where you feel comfortable with another man intimately, but you can certainly get to the point where you don't have an anxiety attack over the idea. Be well, my friend.
i know i know i know it's not real i keep telling myself that but my friends are concerned because I'm not accepting myself so i said i'd try and i did try goddamnit i tried and i can't do it i wanted to but i just had to stop myself the other night they were like 'hey man it's cool if you're gay in fact it's great' and i was like 'no man that aint me' and they go 'look man if you wanna fool around with guys that's not a big deal whats the big deal right?" and i said 'it just aint me' and they go 'are you against gay people or something?' i said no dudes I'm all for gay people and gay rights and gay everything but i can't bring myself to be apart of it all and my one buddy who's one parent is gay was like 'bro there are over 20 species of mammals that exhibit homosexual behavior theres nothing unnatural about it' and i said 'i know its not unnatural i just -- you can't possibly understand because i barely can' so now I'm on some new antipsychotic starting tonight at bedtime and I'm peering out a peephole I've built into my jerryrigged security lockdown (i coveed all my windows and doors and everything locked down the house and whatnot on full alert protecting my cats and me) and I'm leery of the night i want the snow to come back because then they can't travel as easy to find me i need to move far out of state maybe somewhere near water where i could get a houseboat and be inaccessible or something im so freaked out I'm just so upset i can't do this i wanted to but its never gonna happen because overtime i get close i freak and this time i got too close like that juche philosophy and if you get too close to the sun you burn if you get too far you freeze and right now I'm burning alive and it's not good i just peed my pants and puked the dude has my home address and phone number i need to move and get a new phone or better yet not have a phone i think I'm gonna go pass out now : (
Hope the new meds work well for you, definitely can be really stressful. I guess just try to be with your cats as much as possible-- good to know you have pets around to help. It's definitely good that you went home if you weren't comfortable, and I don't think you did anything wrong in this situation. Hope you feel better.
it's just now he's got my address and my phone number the two most personal things you can give a person and I'm worried I've committed some sort of transgression in the gay community and after dithering for so long that he could send someone after me to watch my house... i dont know I'm out of my head right now, i collapsed after taking a shower because i pissed myself with fear while puking/dry heaving (really just dry heaves) and i fell asleep for an hour and a half. :/
It's good that you got some sleep, I guess. :/ I'm sure you're doing everything you can to work this out logically, etc. and you seem to be handling this as well as anyone can with the panic attack and everything. I'd say just wait. If anything actually happens, you can call the police, but in the meantime, you slept and nothing happened. I'd say you're safe.
I'm with the Gay Mafia. I told everyone to leave you alone so all's good. Seriously... do you think you're the first guy who bailed on a meeting? Do you think that NONE of us have been where you were at some point in time. Are we all dead? Of course not. You'll be fine.
I guess not, I just felt bad. My blood ran hot and cold at the same time waiting for him to show up and I almost puked in the car and I ran home and messed myself. I had to take a muscle relaxer just to stop sobbing/hyperventilating.
