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Not sure about the authenticity of my attraction to men?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by fern96, Jul 15, 2015.

  1. fern96

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    This is gonna be kinda long, apologies. My parents told me literally nothing about sex, puberty or LGBT stuff (they told me the lesbian couple across the road were 'sisters' until I was 15). I remember pretending I had crushes on boys and trying really hard to like them - I would lie and say I had a crush on whichever school heartthrob was around while having no crushes on anyone at all. It wasn't because I didn't want to be gay - I didn't know being gay was a thing - but just because I wanted to fit in. I had a crush on Morgana from Merlin when I was 12 and a few crushes on my peers in my all-girls school, but nothing serious, and nothing on boys - but then, boys weren't around (the straight girls found their heartthrobs in nearby co-ed and boys' schools).

    When I went to university this year, I made my first boy friends. I get along with them okay, but I feel as though I can't connect with them at all and function much better around women. That said, I have started to have male celebrity crushes and had a crush on a boy in my class. But it feels like it's just a purely aesthetic thing. I haven't had many crushes in my life - so few that I identified as asexual until I was 18 - but my crushes on women feel far less contrived. I feel sort of gross for having a crush on anyone at all - partly because I've been taught that relying on anyone is bad, and partly because of my parents' silence on sexuality.

    I feel 'complete' as an individual and can't imagine anyone getting me enough to be my 'other half'; I feel as though the potential for being a romantic partner will always reside in some, but not all, people; it only blooms into love when it's cultivated. And I'm wondering, does this potential, for me, lie within men as well as women? I mean, it could, but I can't imagine being able to cultivate it at all, even though I desperately want to (I want to have a typical family life and am terrified of homophobia). What if it isn't there at all?

    Can anyone relate to this? How have they dealt with it? Does anyone have any advice; subjective or objective?
     
  2. ArlettBaySB

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    Well, I've been pansexual, my whole life. You see, I've never been so sure about something. The way I figure it, when my sisters and girl friends loved boys, I didn't feel anything for anyone unless I really liked them, until I had found them attractive. And that actually implied girls, boys, trans, inter and pretty much everyone.

    When I told some friends, for a long time, people thought that I was just being ridiculous and trying to be weird and different on purpose, and that "pansexuality" as a concept was false, just as bisexuality. It's a point of view, I can't force them to see things the way I see them.

    I felt a freak for a while and wished to be normal, but in my heart, I was still the same, there was NO difference between men, women and everything in between for me. I felt things just like that.

    My family is pretty conservative so I get that you want a typical life and that you're terrified of homophobia. To a certain extend, I am, too.

    But I just can't deny myself anymore. I want to live as I am, I want to be me, and that's what I want for you too. If it is with a girl, boy or just you (because YES, it is okay to feel happy just with yourself)

    You can have a nice family life, whatever you choose. But remember to always find what makes you happy and not what makes other people happy, because in the end, you'd be living a facade of your own self. I don't think that's what people deserve and need. If you don't hurt anybody, you're free to do as you wish.

    It's okay to be you! :wink:

    Anyway if you don't feel comfortable talking about your sexuality, don't. Find the things you like and the things you don't. Don't try to lock yourself in a box

    I completely relate to you and your feelings and I wish you luck!

    Hope for my words to give you some comfort, to find some truth in them and maybe, luckily, that you realize, you're not alone in this :slight_smile:
     
  3. cakepiecookie

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    Yep, I can relate to a lot of your post. I'm attracted to men to some degree, but with a few rare exceptions, there's something about those attractions that seems shallow, like it doesn't quite "click".

    I've also noticed that with men, the sexual and emotional sides don't really line up. Like I can have an intense crush on a guy but have no desire to have sex with him. And I can enjoy the physical aspect of sex with a guy, but it's completely missing the emotional side of things. With women, I have both the emotional and sexual sides combined and it's a lot more intense than what I feel for men.
     
  4. suchconfusion

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    Hi :slight_smile: I can somewhat relate but I think I'm a bit different. I get very stressed about liking females because I can't tell if my tendency to stay away from men romantically and my actual desire to be bisexual ( yeah i know :/ ) alters my genuine attraction to girls. I always wonder if my subconscious is pushing me to like girls and I'm making up my attraction bc I want to be bi.

    It could really just be that my sexual preference fluctuates so rapidly, I over think it and wonder if I'm lying to myself.

    Anyway, in terms of dealing with it, it helps me to just talk to other people so they can give me an ovjective view that isn't a victim of my racing thoughts or to experience more to figure out what I want.

    For you, I think it's perfectly fine to not have a relationship! I'm not really good with advice but it seems that you deeply want a relationship because you're unsure if your feelings are your own or if they're influenced by your family's beliefs and society and what not. So then you wanna prove to yourself that you're genuinely asexual/romantic and/or inclines to one or the other gender. I think you shouldn't be afraid of your family's reaction because ultimately, you need to be happy and do what you know you want. Also, your mother seems like she'd be supportive of you, if anything, doubtful. Also, do what you feel inside. If youre inclines towards women more, go for that. Don't worry about your possible inclination towards men bc even if you can potentially be with them or anyone, don't feel stopped from dating bc you could potentially have more attractions??? I guess???

    I'm sorry, this is really convoluted and I'm kinda tired and I hope I helped somewhat and didn't offend you with any assumptions I made?! I'm really really tired

    ---------- Post added 15th Jul 2015 at 09:26 PM ----------

    I'm sorry, I fucked up and mixed you with another person I read about their parents but I get it. My parents would smite me if they thought I was not straight bc of how religioud and conservative they are. Our best bet is to rely on our friends *shrug* Hopefully you can come out to your family one day and they'll understand accept you. Mine as well.
     
  5. fern96

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    Thank you so much for your kind responses. I appreciate the positive words and I find the notion that you sympathise and empathise with what I'm saying very comforting. I grew up in a secular family, so a lot of the problem-solving RE religious homophobic parents just doesn't work for me. I feel as though they're vaguely homophobic (not bigoted so much as ignorant) because of the society they were brought up in. It's so hard because most of my friends are either straight, in which case, I feel as though they don't want to talk about it, or, if they're not straight, are reasonably confident in their sexuality (this probably has something to do with their being a lot more confident than I am in general).

    ArlettBaySB...while I don't relate to all of your experiences, I very much appreciate your response. It's very comforting to have someone that isn't straight tell me that it's okay and reassure me that a family life is attainable. Not that kind words from straight people are without value - it's just nice to have someone that's in the same boat as me, or at least a similar boat, tell me that things can work out. Thank you!

    Cakepiecookie...you hit the nail on the head. Attractions to men don't really go deep with me. I feel like there is more of a connection with women, you know? I haven't met many non-binary people, so I can't account for them.

    I feel more like I could fall in love with a woman. It's mainly when I see my straight friends in a relationship (a relationship that isn't based on sexual attraction, that is) that I think, "I can't imagine feeling that way for a guy", even though I've had vague crushes on them before.

    What you said about the sexual and emotional sides not lining up is also very relatable. I can find a guy very sexually attractive, but there is no emotional connection. Or, I'll feel we get along, emotionally, but there's no sexual attraction there at all. The two things just can't seem to co-exist with me. Nobody I have spoken to has related to what I'm getting at, so I'm glad that you do. :^)

    Suchconfusion - ah, that sounds like a bit of a predicament. I'm not sure whether you mean that you feel as though you might be a lesbian but want to like men as well, or the reverse. I feel as though, ironically, when you overthink things, the answer seems to be more and more distant! So frustrating. It doesn't help that there's so little information out and about! Most of the advice I hear for LGB folks seems to be tailored towards those that are certain of their sexuality, which is nice, but not particularly useful for me!

    Haha, it's totally fine that you got my post confused with someone else's. Don't worry about it. From what I can gather, the subject matter was pretty similar. A lot of it spoke to me - I spent a lot of my life not wanting a relationship, but I feel as though I want one now. And I guess that you're right, RE worrying about who I am attracted to - if I really am attracted to men, it's not as though that option will vanish as soon as I date a woman. Thanks for the advice! I hope that your idea of who you are settles over time, and that our families accept us one day.