Hey all, Well where do start!? I really need some help and advice... Sorry this is gonna be long!!!!!! I suffer with generalised anxiety disorder to start. Growing up i went to an all girls school and I rememeber getting "crushes" on female teachers. By crush I mean, funny feeling in tummy , wanting their attention all the time , wanting them to notice me and talk to me... Although I don't ever remember ever having any sexual desire towards them? I do remember thinking though that this means I am a lesbian. Throughout growing up I continued to hold this belief that I was a lesbian and I would get waves of panic about the fact that this is life and I can't change it. I told family and a few friends a couple of times but as soon as I told them I actually felt worse and would take it all back a few days later. I went to university and I had a lot of sexual relations with men, trying to prove to myself or something I don't know? But looking back on it now I also had several crushes on men at this time to (although at the time I didn't think anything of ir because I assumed I was gay) but these crushes on men were a lot more flirty wanting them to think I was pretty and thinking of them in a sexual way... Would get off at the thought of them watching me getting off (sorry for the graphics!!). I went on to start work at 22 and got this "stomach feeling" over a woman I worked with, wanting her attention and for her to like me but again I never imagined anyrhing sexual!! I did a course on restraining people and I really got turned on by having men restraining me !! However I continued to assume I was a lesbian. I had a couple of boyfriends and I thought we had great fun but I ended them because I thought "can't do this I am gay". I can never actually remember thinking "I wanna rip your clothes off and have sex with you" about any woman and ive thought girls my ages were pretty and attractive but definitely have never fancied anyone around my age. I went to a gay bar at uni and again didn't fancy anyone just wanted like "approval" I guess... Someone said to me "why are you here, you're clearly not a lesbian!" Now a couple of years ago I started textingn my now boyfriend, quite explicit texts which I reallllllly got off on imagining me and him together ! We went on to start dating and I was sooooo happy with him. I was on cloud nine! I don't ever remember the stomach churn feeling but I got butterfly's everytime I got ready to go and meet him and he made me feel so happy like I was drunk when I hadn't even drank. I honestly was the happiest I have ever been and everyone commented. We had sex all the time because I was genuinely craving it when I was around him. I remember the huge urge to tell him I love you . So we have been together nearly 2.5 years and they have been the best of my life.i never had any interest or any of these "crushes" he made me such a better person. Even when we argued I wanted to be with him cause being with him js better than not bein with him (my stupid head telling me that's cause I don't wanna have to face reality!) i plan stuff for us to do all the time and I love having him involved in everything in my life! I get excited about date nights and I love it when it's just me and him cuddled up before bed! Some times later in our relationship I would think "you're a lesbian you don't really love him" but if I didn't think about it and just ignored it , it would go away.. Because I was genuinely so happy... I could feel it he had a place in my heart. Now about two weeks ago we were looking at houses together and it hit me again "you don't really love him" and these have been the worst two weeks of my life. I have now been put on anti depressants and I don't know where to go. I still get the feeling of "I know" im a lesbian but I cant tell if that's because it's what I got stuck on growing up as like I said I have felt turned on by men. I love my boyfriend so so much I just sometimes worry I don't have the butterfly feeling anymore or a huge sexual urge but I'm hoping that's because we been together a while now. I enjoy sex with him I love seeing him in pleasure whenever we are cuddling I want it to go to the next level but my stupid head persuades me that's because I'm just horny not because of him. I've told him all my doubts and he has said he just wants me happy so for me to go and explore it. So I looked on some female dating sites but no one really took my fancy...although I got a rush of "yeah I can tell everyone now and be myself!" I'm not interested in just sleeping with a woman to see if I like it. I feel less sexual at the moment but that's cause I'm low... Although when I see him I still do think about his bits !! I just wanna go back to being happy with my boyfriend and just feeling the love rather than thinking about it and analysing it... But do i need to be able to think and analyse?! Sorry for the longgggg post im just at my wits end!! Thanks everyone
It's totally possible to be both romantically and sexually attracted to males but also only romantically attracted to females, which is what it sounds like you're describing. You seem to be in a good relationship with someone you really like (and he's really open and accepting, which is also really cool). From what I've read there is nothing that isn't genuine about your feelings for him. It's great that you came over to ask about this, though! It sounds like you really care.
Thank you so much x All I want to know is that it's ok to stay with my boyfriend, be lost without him! Xx
