i am a 25 yr old male who at the age of 6 had oral sex with a group of boys who were the same age as me i remember enjoying this. then at the age of 10 i was sexually abused by an older man who would repeatedly make me climb under the bed sheets and masturbate him then at the age of 14 me and my cousin had anal sex i remember my heart pounding and i was aroused and feeling like i shouldn't be doing this. now this is where things get a bit confusing. my whole life i thought i was straight because of the fact i only ever had crushes on girls and would dream of girls and never thought of guys in a sexual way nor have i ever been attracted to guys or think guys are hot. when i walk around town or go to the beach my eyes are always stuck on the girls and when i have had sex with girls it was enjoyable and when we finished i would go home and masturbate to what just happened and want to have a girlfriend. now the reason i am confused is because i have always been very intimidated by girls and never go out of my way to try to meet up with them as the thought of sex with them does not arouse as much as when i think about my gay friend i dont know whether this is due to my anxiety that i will not be able to perform or get it up. now the last few years i have found myself able to get off to gay porn and have been masterbating to the thought of penetrating my gay friend so i met up with him and we had sex i was able to get hard but my heart was not pounding and after i came i felt empty and during the sex i remember thinking a girl would feel better and for a few weeks afterwards i did not have anymore gay fantasy about him but in the last few days i have been geting hard thinking about sex with him but i have no emotional connection to him or desire to be in a relationship with him. the reason i am confused is because when i look at men i feel no desire or ever have felt desire to be close to them or think they are hot but when i think about my gay friend and how easy it is to have sex with him i get incredibly turned on. also i have been seeying a psychologist who works on lgbt men and wemon and she thinks that i am not gay but have developed in a way that i am much more sexually comfortable around twinkish men due to my first intensely arousing experiences were with young boys when i was very young. what i want to know is have any of you experienced the same issues as me? and if so do you think i am in denial or have i been screwed up from all the sexual things that happened to me at a very young age involving boys. all opinions are welcome.
Sexuality is a very weird thing. Many times, certain incidents or life experiences will change our sexuality totally. But again, not everyone is the some. I personally think that men feel and think differently from women. But both sexes have complex psychology. That's why no one can really decipher sexuality or even basic psychology. I personally agree with your shrink. I think your childhood sexual experiences have mixed up your feelings towards sex and men. I think if you haven't had gay sexual experiences when you were little, you would not be so confused right now. I can't tell you nor anyone can tell you whether you are in denial. Only you yourself know the answer. Maybe you should ask yourself these few questions: "Am I more attracted sexually to women or men?" "If I could only choose to have sex with one gender, which one would I choose?" "What is the reason I want to have sex with a man? Is it his private parts? Or his look? Or his body? Or it is because I find it more comfortable to have sex with a man than a woman?" "Do I have sex with a man because he is easily accessible? If I can have sex with a woman easily, would I go to a man or a woman?" Try to be honest with yourself and your shrink, only then you can unravel this weird feeling. All the best.
Hello Wolfen. You mention that you had your first experience at 6 years of age and enjoyed it. Im not sure how much this should weigh in, considering you were pretty young. However, you mentioned that you had an experience when you were 14 too. Although you felt you shouldn't be doing it, did you feel like you felt right/enjoyed doing it? I would say you aren't completely gay, considering you say you have had sex with girls and enjoyed it. In regards to your situation with your gay friend, you need to ask as to why do you get turned on only by him. Is it because of the comfort level, or you like him, or something else. Considering you don't get attracted to any other guys in general, may hint that you're not completely gay. Think about with whom are you more emotionally and physically attracted to. Im not sure how much that helped. But hope you feel better
It's really important to separate feelings relating to your sexual orientation from any residual feelings or issues relating to sexual abuse or sexual contact as a minor. Lesbian, gay and bisexual people who were abused early in life are very quick to make the connection, but it doesn't add up when you look at it closely. Sexual abuse is not a causative factor. It's totally natural for the human body to react to sexual stimulation and many sexual predators and abusers use stimulation as a manipulation tactic. They tell the victim that a reaction demonstrates enjoyment, but it's a lie. So try think about what happened early in life through the eyes of a mature adult rather than the eyes of an innocent child. If your body reacted to sexual stimulation back then, it was doing what is natural and in no way does it determine anything about your sexual orientation now. Please don't fall into the trap of making a link that does not exist and cannot be proven. It is entirely possible (even probable) that all of those early experiences have left emotional scars that are blurring the boundaries for you now. In some respects, porn (be it gay or straight) brings on a level of sexual stimulation that is as artificial as what you experienced as a child. I'm not trying to suggest it's the same as the abusive nature of those early experiences, but there is something very artificial about it. Unfortunately, you seem to have taken all of that as being indicative of your deeper desires and acted upon it with all of the resulting confusion. Keep working with your psychologist to get through all of this.
thanks for all the replies guys, it has got me thinking and one thing that I have noticed is that the only thing I enjoy about the gay porn and sex fantasies about my friend is the anal sex. in every video I watch I skip all the blow jobs and kissing and hugging and go straight to the anal sex could this be because the time I had sex with my cousin it was anal sex and extremely arousing? Also, I feel I should mention I have only had 1 girlfriend, my whole life and it was when I was 18 yrs old and I was as hard as a rock around her 24/7 all I wanted to do was touch her and kiss her and do things with her, but she always rejected me the most I ever got was a kiss and I feel this rejection affected me deeply and made me feel I am ugly and no girl will ever want me. even now when I masturbate to the thought of her I can climax but it takes longer and I have to fight feelings of rejection when I am thinking about her. but when I think of my gay friend there is no rejection I can fantasies about him giving himself to me and submitting fully to me also the only thing that turns me on in my fantasies is the feeling of penetrating a mans ass from behind once again I'm not sure if this is due to the sex me and with my cousin when we were very young because I know what it feels like when we were doing it and it was the first time I was incredibly aroused... this is so embarrassing to talk about sorry if i am being to graphic.
well when i think back i know that i enjoyed it and my heart was racing when we did it but we were also hiding from our parents in the next room when we did it i also remember that i was the one who initiated the sex myself and afterwards i diddent feel guilty or ashamed i diddent really think much about it untill this year. and regarding my gay friend i feel the reason i am turned on by him is a mix of things. i feel very comfortable around him and he is very submissive and open to sex i feel like i can ring him anytime and he will let me have sex with him but i have not had a desire to have sex with him again since the last time but i still am having fantasies about giving him anal sex again 2 or 3 times a week and i find it easy to get aroused if i let my self enjoy these fantasy. i feel i should note that i have no emotional feelings towards him whatsoever. i should also not that i started having fantasy about giving him anal even before he came out as gay but i think i always new he was gay. also i have no desire to be in a realshionship with a man. what i am feeling is purely sexuel.
Hello Wolfen. I think that is some pretty good advice given above by PatrickUK. Well, its safe to say that you aren't completely gay as you still desire girls emotionally and physically. Did you feel emotionally and physically right when you were in your relationship? Growing up, did you have any crushes on guys that you felt came to you naturally? In regards to your friend, it might be possible that u enjoy the physical part because it is convenient. If rejection is something you have to deal with,can you get off to a girl as easily if she hypothetically would be as convenient/submissive as your friend is ? I hope you feel better
hey myself123 good to hear from you. yeh when i was with my ex i was in love and desired sex with her all the time i feel it was real love and not something i was trying to force even tho she never put out haha and about having crushes on guys there has not be a single guy i have ever had a crush on or an emotional attachment or want to be emotional with all of my crushes have only ever been on girls and about if i could get off to a girl if she fully surrendered to me and i did not feel rejection or self conscious i think i could defiantly be aroused by her and have a healthy sex life but i only think this because of how aroused i was around by ex gf all the time. i feel if i never had that relationship i would be much more confused about whether or not i could enjoy sex with wemon. up to this point in my life my only feelings towards men have been purely physical in the form of wanting to penetrate them from behind and nothing else. i dont know what this means but my mom actually told me that my dad had a fling with a guy who fell in love with him when he was a teenager and there was no girls around but since meeting my mother he has never had a problem getting it up haha i hope my situation is the same but if it turns out that when i get with a girl and i cant get it up for her and i feel emotionally disconnected to and find myself wishing i was with a guy i will accept that part of my life and be true to myself.
Hello Well, from what you write above, I think you probably lean towards straight. The fact that you haven't had any crushes on guys, never desired them emotionally, don't notice them with that perspective leads me to believe that. I've read that sometimes, the taboo aspect of certain things could cause arousal. May be the convenience with the friend as well as the taboo aspect-fantasy-imagery could be something that gets you off? Ive also read that many lesbians get off to gay porn and vice versa. At this point of time in life, it seems you don't to have/desire any emotional/romantic attraction towards guys. If being with a girl satisfies you emotionally and physically, then that's it Hope things get clearer for you
The interesting quotes from your postings are these Wolfen: My reading of your posts leads me to think that there is something about being in an assertive, maybe even dominant sexual position that is playing out in all of this. Is that connected to what happened earlier in life? Maybe. If you haven't already done so, it might be something to explore with your psychologist.
hey Patrick I appreciate your insight, this is something I will definitely bring up to my psychologist, I guess I never took a step back to analyze it from that perspective.
Oops I meant At this point of time in life, it seems you don't have/desire any emotional/romantic attraction towards guys.
