To anyone Bi before, but identify as gay now...

This was me at one point.

For me personally, what it came down to was, who are you physically attracted to and who could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with.

When I was younger, I assumed I would be with a woman just by default, because that's how I thought things were supposed to be. Doing anything other than this would be weird. When I was younger, nude women did turn me on, but I'm not sure if this was just because it was taboo to see naked people or if that's how I actually felt.

I always felt kind of awkward around guys -- friends, family, etc. When I noticed that I was interested in how guys looked, I thought that I could be bisexual. But I also thought, maybe this is just a normal feeling for guys, like camaraderie or something. I still had friends that were guys and girls and I found girls easier to talk to, so I assumed I must be more closely attracted to women.

Eventually though, I started to realize that I was interested in friendships with women, but that was it. This probably gives off the impression to outsiders that I'm interested in dating them, but that's not the case for me, I just enjoyed talking with them. From a purely physical standpoint, if you place a nude woman in front of me and a nude man in front of me, I would choose the man. I can definitely appreciate a good looking (in my eyes) body of a woman and a man, but there's no sexual desire for the woman and there is for the man. I've also come to find out that it's just as easy for me to talk to guys, they're usually just trying to hide their feelings, probably due to social pressures/stereotypes.

I was also thinking somewhat recently that I might be bi-romantic. However, I don't think this is the case because if I were to consider myself in a relationship with a woman, I would feel like I am lying to her. I'm not an expert on the definitions, so correct me if I'm wrong. This could just be another smokescreen by me though trying to convince myself that I'm not gay.

It's hard to tell when you're trying to make yourself believe something vs when you actually believe something. But I think the questions that should point you in the right direction are

• Could you see yourself happy with a guy for the rest of your life -- emotionally and sexually?
• Could you see yourself happy with a girl for the rest of your life -- emotionally and sexually?

 

No problem at all Happy to help/share. (*hug*)

 

^ That's damn good advice, follow it.


For me I only identified as bi while I was experimenting, I knew I leaned more toward the lesbian end of the spectrum early on though. The last male partner I had was when I was experimenting with polyamory, I was with my current girlfriend during that time too so bi fit rather nicely. I realized that romantically and sexually I'm just not interested in guys, they give me this skin-crawly feeling when they touch and hold me that I tried to ride out, when having sex I'd feel like I was being raped, etc etc.

I broke up with him in the end and I'm still going out with my girlfriend, I realized I'm both monogamous and a lesbian, I'm open to polyamorous experiences but in terms of people I love? It'd have to be someone who clicks with me and my girlfriend just as well as we click with one another and I don't think we're likely to find someone like that any time soon, at least not for a few hundred/thousand years anyway.

The lesbian label though? I'm still open to going out with male individuals on both a gender and sex level but only if they are physically female in almost every regard, male genitals I don't want to have to do much if anything with and I don't really care if a partners gender is male or female, it's all about them being as I said, almost entirely physically female at the least. I do find I click with female gendered individuals a lot quicker and better than male gendered individuals on average though, so that's another factor. All of that mixed together plus the fact I'm happy to spend all of eternity with my girlfriend? I'd say makes me defiantly a lesbian.

In the end none of it matters though, it's just what I CHOOSE to label myself as that matters, I only use lesbian because I feel it's the best description for me and that's all labels are, descriptions. ^-^

 

Yeah, I still struggle with labels sometimes.

I think the bottom line is that attraction works in different ways for different people, and it is not really possible to convey all the ways through words. Eg. two people might have two entirely different ways their sexuality feels, and one will be more gay, the other bi.
But they'll express it very similar words- how are we to tell the difference?


I think it all boils down to how your attractions feel to you-

are your attractions to women strong enough that you'd consider acting on them?
and
Do they feel right to you at the time?

Is there something that feels uncomfortable/ weird about the attractions/ or the idea of being with a woman?

Do you fantasise also about women?


What gave me a clearer picture was answer to those questions- I do feel some attraction- but it would not really feel right to act on them, and at times I also feel somehow 'pushed away' by the opposite sex- its just that certain characteristics make me feel uncomfortable, rather than attracted to them.

I still sometimes go through questioning 'but could I? maybe? etc' and in some spaces I still identify as bi- because I'll have less explaining to do.

I know it sucks not having a label that feels right all the time, but it is totally ok to use an approximation if you want people to only know something about you and not all the specifics, but you don't owe anyone a clear and precise label for yourself. "I am still figuring things out" is a perfectly valid answer.

Homoflexible and queer are also labels worth considering.

What I think is important is to not lie to yourself if you really have days when you are seriously attracted to the opposite sex.

Eg. I move between having rigid Kinsey 6 days where I feel somehow put off by men, to maybe somehow flexible 4.7- 5 days- eg "this guy looks nice for cuddles" and where I feel questioning/slightly mournful that I cannot really consider being with a guy.

So all in all I never have days where I feel really attracted to a man- eg I don't shift between 5 and lets say 2.
If I did-I'd consider myself bi really.

 

I identified as bi before because I found men good looking and cute, especially more "pretty boys" (such as ones with asian features and longer hair). However, I realized that I would never be happy with a boyfriend or a male sex partner. I'm also repulsed by penises and hate the idea of being penetrated by one (including orally), despite the fact I also enjoy watching men in porn, so gay fits the description for me. I think sexuality is primarily about who you can enjoy sexually- and for me this can NEVER be men.

 

For me I have to say it really felt like I was attracted to both. I actually had rather extensive relationship and sexual experience with women during my high school and college days. It felt like I wanted sex with both but a relationship with a woman. It was over twenty years ago and since I was attracted to women and couldn't really imagine a relationship with a man I figured it would just be easier to be with women. I identified as bi but never came out as such and never really acted on my attraction to men. I enjoyed my relationships with women both emotionally and physically. As I've often said, it wasn't like it is in the movies, but what is, right?

Then, what happened is I actually had an encounter with a man that I cared for and was genuinely attracted to. It wasn't even sex; it was just a kiss. So one of my college roommates had a friend that would visit. He was like me but at Princeton. We both were religious studies majors and we both did parliamentary debate. We had a lot in common and quickly became good friends. He was out as gay, one of the only people I knew at the time who was--it was a long time ago. I'm pretty sure he had my number but was respectful and never brought it up. Oh, and did I mention that he was beautiful? Well anyway, we went to a party together and he got pretty drunk. As I didn't drink it was my job to make sure he made it back to the dorm. We sort of staggered along talking and laughing, me half holding him up. Finally we made it back and there in the lobby he went in for a drunken kiss... and I let him. And it was like lightning through my soul, so much so that my legs actually gave out and since I was holding him up so did his and we sort of collapsed onto the floor all tangled up and by the time I got up I was gay. I knew it with such immediate and immense certainty. Because this drunken kiss which I suppose objectively probably wasn't that great--I mean drunken kissing generally isn't, right?--was all those things that people say about sex and romance, all those things that I thought were just sort of what people say. This was fireworks, this was like in the movies and in the songs and it really did change everything.

Within months all the attraction I had felt for women evaporated. I had mistaken it for the real thing and once I got even a taste of the real thing I knew I couldn't build a life around the lie.

 

Wow what a story, loved the details. Good for you :eusa_clap

 

Sexuality can be pretty fluid, I used to identify as strictly bi but lately I've definitely been feeling way more attracted to women, so my advice is just go with the flow and if you have to have a label just change it as your desires fluctuate.

 

OGS - I can totally relate to what you said about fireworks on just simple contact.

From about the age of 18/19 I pretty much identified as bi (albeit somewhat closeted) - as I was experiencing crushes on girls at University, but was also crushing on men. But- the crushes on women I just couldn't make sense of, and they were very different to what I was experiencing towards men. I was very confused as I didn't have the language or ability to mentally process what I was feeling towards women. Before then at High School I just didn't understand why girls had fascinations with guys in the way in which they did. I thought it was something that was socially expected, so I tried to emulate that. And I can say that back in my bi days there were certain guys that I was physically attracted to, but that predominantly arose out of an emotional attraction first. Looking back, I definitely was always attracted to men with a feminine soul - and there was a subconscious dissatisfaction that their bodies just weren't quite what I wanted. Also - in my case anyway - if you want sex, you will get it in whatever way you know how.

Then fast forward to around my 30th birthday, when I had a pivotal conversation with someone, and he asked me (in the context of me saying I only like effeminate men) "What is it you have against men?!" And then I had the sudden realisation that I needed to properly revisit my attraction towards women - that I don't hate men, but actually men weren't fully doing it for me. The next day, the day of my birthday, I met a girl that evening. We drunkenly flirted, and she stroked my back. That really hit me, and I had the most intense erotic feelings I had ever experienced in my entire life. Nothing further happened, but it was then I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this thing about women couldn't be ignored anymore.

Now, a couple of flings and a lesbian relationship behind me, the thought of going back to men just doesn't sit right with me anymore. I definitely do have strong emotional bonds with men - most of my close friends are men - but when I ask myself if I could contemplate getting into a relationship/having sex with them - the answer is no. The idea of male anatomy getting anywhere close to me is again is just weird. And I don't feel that same visceral intensity, or the the same gooey-eyed feelings of "you are such an amazing beautiful/sensuous being to inhabit this earth, and I therefore need to get VERY close to you".

I'd never say never to men again, but really I haven't missed men at all since fully embracing my lesbian side! I certainly haven't felt that I'm missing out in any way shape or form. So lesbian/gay is the most accurate label to me now.

 

I tried telling someone I was bisexual, and it didn't sound right. Then I tried saying I was gay, and that seemed a lot more natural and accurate.