I think my new boyfriend is gay or trans and in denial

I don't think you should tell or determines someone's sexuality.

"The reason I think he might be trans - we are intimate and he can't keep his hands off of me. Always talking about, touching, biting all of my lady parts, love giving oral, always talking about how beautiful I am. We give each other massages every single night. But he can't maintain an erection. He gets hard but always loses it." He could just have a medical issue or maybe whatever is happening in the bedroom is not arousing enough for him. Doesn't mean he's gay nor does it mean transgender. And isn't someone who is sexually into someone want to always be touching the person, complimenting the person, and pleasing the person.

If you feel uncomfortable (intuition says something is off) dating him then maybe you shouldn't be dating him.

 

If you think something is off and he keeps saying he is straight. You are not truly comfortable with him whether your concern happens to be true.

You can't force him to come out (if he is gay or bisexual.)

No matter how much you analyze him or the situation. In the end only he knows the truth.

 

i am a closeted gay (out to one person, also gay) in a heterosexual relationship. I feel absolutely horrible. I loved her as a partner, but now I think I was confusing that love with something else. I think it is a friendship love and I have been trying to convince myself otherwise (to be honest, I really did think it was love). Now I feel that I am stuck in a difficutl situation. I don't want to hurt her for the sake of my happiness. But on the other hand, keeping her happy is causing me pain.
if you partner is gay, I can imagine him going through the same thing that I am. I don't have an answer sorry, but I do feel for you

 

This is one of those situations where It's hard to tell the truth to give an answer....I absolutely do know cis straight men who act so super feminine beyond belief to that extent, but It is a lot more rare so It's easy to confuse them for gay. On the other hand, it could definitely be a gay or trans person that's closeted and is defensive if they don't want to come out yet. Either way, we can't really know the true answer since we're not in his head, so that has to come from him.

As for the erection issues, it could be a medical issue.

 

For your partner's sake, please break up with her if you are gay.

It'll just waste both yours and her time, and if I were her I would be happier knowing my partner was brave enough to end it, rather than just lead me on.

 

I went through that. It's a horrible ffeling. Now I'm single and slowly coming out to myself.

Back on topic, when I was in my straight relationship, I wasnmt confortable sith anything related to sex. Even kissing felt odd and made me unconfotable. Neeess to say, I never did anything "sexual" with her. Your boyfriend seems more confortable about touching women than I were, so I'm not sure what it means.

My straight relationship lasted for 5 years, but in those years, let's say that four of them were really hard on me, and repressing my sexuality kinda destroyed me. If your boyfriend's last relationship lasted longer, and he doesn't seem to question himself, maybe he's just straight and a bit effeminate.

I hope it helped you. Good luck

 

Hi Curioserand,

I am sorry about your situation... You sound like my first girlfriend... May I ask how old you are?

Maybe, read my first post here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/185795-could-i-just-gay-ashamed.html

Of course it is hard to judge the situation without knowing him or you, but I would really think about what you are doing, and how comfortable you are staying in this type of relationship. I have been there.

Also, what does this say about your orientation? Are you attracted to regularly masculine guys? Are maybe his feminine traits what really attracts you to him?

 

I would say that it sounds like he's actually a trans female lesbian. If he was gay he wouldn't be paying that much attention to you and from what I've seen trans girls are more often lesbian/bi than not. Of course he could always be gay and just forcing it but I don't see that being as likely.

I hope this all works out, I'm a cis girl going out with a trans girl and it really can work out beautifully. Just bring up transgender individuals with him indirectly and slowly but surely work your way up to making it a common topic, then ask him if he's ever questioned his gender and go from there.

A good point to bring up before hand is that you're comfortable going out with girls as well as guys, you identifying as straight rather than bi would likely cause a lot of apprehension in a trans girl in terms of coming out so you'll want to clear that up early on. I'm not saying you have to change your label but it's certainly something to discuss with him and perhaps consider a label change further down the road.


As everyone here has said, it's all just speculation until he comes out, if he comes out. But either way you will need to bring up your feelings with him at some point, so indirectly asking questions relating to the subjects you want to discuss is a good way to ease him into it.

 

Hi, OP (*hug*)

Miko's advice^ was very good.

I also think it's possible that your partner is somewhere on the transfeminine scale.

It is great that you like him that way and accept him.

If you would like to talk to a transfeminine (trans female) person, my wall is all yours.
Otherwise, you can continue writing here.

Talking to him could make a world of difference for him. Talk to him and see how he feel... ask him maybe "are you comfortable with being a guy all the time?" (I don't know if that's too direct, but...)
Maybe even try femininizing his name; let's say his name is Jake, maybe asking him if you can call him Jacqueline or something.
Maybe those two are too big as starting points though... you could start by maybe giving positive, gentle feedback on the way he expresses himself - "I really like it when you give me a massage, you know, not all guys would do that, and certainly not as good as you." Things like that, and see how he reacts.

Hope that helps!

Lots of love

x

 

I think it is wrong to pigeon hole him. If he says he isn't gay and is fine with being a male. In the end you can't force him to admit to something that could be the wrong or right assumption.

This is the type of treatment people in high school went through who WERE NOT gay. If you think he is lying about this, is it worth being with him if he is not ready to face (a possible) truth about himself?

In the end he has the right to choose when he tells something about himself to someone, but he also has the right to be respected and not be accused of something he may not be. No one should be forced to admit to something that person may or may not be.

 

seeking, it's not about accusation - a mild suspicion that a person is transfeminine is not an "accusation", and neither is discussing a person's gender or sexuality, although one must of course be respectful.

Such was not any advice above, either. The advice was to gently ask if OP's boyfriend is happy the way he is.

 

I mean, everyone has great points here and It's hard to fully agree or disagree with anyone to form proper advice.

Because on one hand, if he is closeted, It's not healthy and you want to make sure you support him. It also wouldn't be fair for him to stay with you if he is...I mean you are a woman (if he's gay), and you are straight (if she's trans, although I know you said you're open-minded). But we also don't know the dangers or circumstances of them being closeted.

On another hand, this could just turn into an embarrassing situation if he is just a cis hetero dude and make him feel like less of a man. Because unfortunately, we do pigeon hole straight men way too much and make them feel like they have to live under very strict rigid stereotypes in order to be real. This does cause problems for these men as they feel they need to start being gay or trans in order to be themselves (when they are not).

I think both situations could be possible, I just don't know what the right answer is.

 

Very well put. So very agree.