Hey guys, it's been a little while. Let me provide some back history for you all... I am a 17 year old female. I identify as a bisexual. I have had numerous significant others in the past (once at a time, though). The problem is, I have never grown emotionally attached to my partner. When we break up, it's no more troubling to me than a wrinkle in my sweater. I simply don't care and don't develop strong romantic feelings. Excessive (or even any) romance makes me uncomfortable. I don't like having the door held open for me, receiving flowers, or being frequently complimented. I have a deep disliking for "gush" such as saying, "You make me so happy when I talk to you," or "Spending time with you is the highlight of my day," or "You're so wonderfully perfect in every way". You get the jist. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind doing that sort of thing for my partner if I were with a girl (I know, that sounds extremely sexist, but I just wouldn't feel inclined to do this if I were with a guy). I'd gladly smile and offer her my jacket, help her out of the car, and even send a sweet goodnight text. But I certainly don't want all of this in return. Now don't get me wrong- I adore (the idea of) physical affection in the form of anything from holding hands to playing with hair to cuddling to groping to sex. Aside from physical contact, I also like being able to talk with, debate with, and play with my partner. I just don't like verbally expressing feelings and I don't know if I'm capable of having those kinds of feelings. I recently left my boyfriend because he was slipping into the dangerous territory of "falling for you" while I was still stuck in the "you have an attractive face and neat enough personality" area. I've actually never moved beyond that area, with anyone. I didn't feel that it was fair for me to continue the relationship when he's actively discussing the possibility of children and living together while I'm actively informing him that I don't like commitment and I don't like romance (and boy, was he one for romance!). Now, let me do a complete 180 for a moment. I really love the idea of having a passionate, long term relationship. I want to find someone that I care so deeply for that I would give up my life for theirs in a heart beat. I want that person that I can imagine having a life with. I want something serious and meaningful. I just really don't know if I'm emotionally/mentally capable of having something so real, and... it hurts. It really does. So... thoughts, opinions, advice? Am I just a cold, heartless individual incapable of love? :icon_sad: ---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2015 at 08:03 PM ---------- Also, I wasn't entirely sure which thread to put this in. I'm hoping this is an appropriate section seeing as it deals with romance, but not specific relationships. :<
You could be sommin' odd like demi-romantic bisexual, because you want the relationships but feel nothing in them, and it could be that you need to spend a longer time in a relationship before developing a 'special bond' or whatever it's called. Thats my verdict. You could alternatively just make up an orientation and go with that.
The emotions may come when you meet the right person. The whole world lights up then and romance comes as naturally as the throbbing of your heart.
I so totally agree! Plus, don't take it wrong, but you are also only 17!!! Maybe I was a late bloomer but at 17 I did not even now what real romance was about or what I was really looking for. You are awfully young, my dear, to worry too much about partners with whom to make long term plans, have children, and such... Enjoy life and when the right one comes along you will know... All that sappy verbiage means nothing to you at the moment, because emotionally it means nothing to you, there is nothing real behind it. Make sense?
I think you would be completely the opposite. If you want a meaningful, deep relationship being with someone who you find attractive and has a passable personality doesn't autonomously equal to someone who you will find that with. A soulmate/best friend/true love is rare, but it's also one of the most amazing feelings when you find that person (also unfortunately one of the saddest when you lose them ) You might just not have met that person yet, and so you're disappointed with the other relationships, or they leave you wanting for something more. I'm sure one day this will change, and you will meet someone amazing. You are not cold and heartless (*hug*) It's not wrong to want a relationship like that. Human, even^^
Thank you guys for the reassurance! I'm really hoping you're right, that "the one" will come along and I'll be blasted with these intense waves of emotions. Also, I'm highly aware that I'm pretty young to be fretting over all of this, but at the same time, years are flashing by and it scares me. I have a pretty intense fear of time (passing), so I don't quite view age the same way as other people. I'm already almost 20. Assuming I'll live to even be 80, my life is already about a quarter over. Time is slipping through my fingers and I'm afraid I'll wake up at 60 years old and realize that I don't have anyone. And the worst part is, I'm not certain that I can prevent it...
I doubt that. I think you've had some great replies already, and I can only agree with them. In addition to that I'd like to add that if you feel this way, you should try to take some time to reflect about yourself. Even though I'm sure you are not "incapable of love", maybe there's something from your past or present bothering you or stopping you getting close to people. Just guessing. Just an example so you know what I mean: Myself I moved a lot as a kid, and leaving my friends behind so often caused me so much pain I eventually stopped trying to make new ones and sub conciously avoided being close to anybody. Maybe something like this could be bothering you as well? Best wishes.
Come to think of it, you could be right. I've moved schools often enough in the past few years, that I don't have any really close friends that I can talk to on a regular basis. In fact, with my most recent moving, something sort of odd happened. One of my closer guy friends confessed his feelings for me, and insisted that we could make it work despite the move. I remember telling him something along the lines of: "It would be easier if you dropped all contact with me so you can become just another faded memory sooner." I know that probably sounds ridiculously pseudo-deep, but it comes, again, from my chronophobia. I'm trying really hard to escape the mindset of "everyone and everything eventually becomes a memory, and memories are no more real than dreams", but it's really hard for me. I think another thing is, I'm graduating soon and I'll be leaving behind everyone here anyways. Even in college, I'll eventually move on and leave yet another set of people behind. It feels like life is a vicious cycle of change and loss. Uhg, I think I'm babbling again...
That's the point though, isn't it :icon_wink, to talk and think about it. I'm quite surprised your problem seems to be similar to mine, in fact I've never met someone else with it. I'd like to give you advice, but I don't know what to do about it myself. Though with me it is not about relationships (since I've never had one) but simply about friendships with others. I'm friendly, get to a certain point, but when we start getting to close I block. It isn't even necessary we get close at all. I might be unfriendly to people I am just aquainted with, simply because they interest me, but then I'm scared I'll like them to much. The more I like a person, the more unfriendly I am. Can you relate with that?
I guess everyone has their own definition of romance and for you it's not flowers, frequent compliments and sappy stuff like that. I don't think you're heartless, you just have your own romantic preferences.
