feeling better but still not there

Hi this will be hopefully one of my last messages I write on the forum. I want take a break and focus more on real people and my life. I think it'll be healthy for me. I was talking to a friend and I brought up sex. Just asking him what's it's like or whatever. Then I asked him to hook me up with someone just so I could have sex.

He then asks if there's any guys or girls I find attractive. It was cool that he didn't just assume. I thought maybe he knew I was questioning but he probably doesn't. The next day I tried to tell him I was bi or that I'm at least questioning. I almost said it but it felt fake.*

They didn't feel like my own emotions or thoughts. It didn't feel like me. Maybe I have to get more comfortable with these feelings before I go do that. I don't have much experience, which you don't always need to your sexuality but I might. I have honestly had OCD like obsessions.*

However I've been trying to use it as an excuse to repress. I have a hard time accepting these feelings and I try to ignore them but I can't anymore. It won't help me in the long run. I guess I like girls and guys on some level and that's fine. Maybe it changes that's fine too.*

I had a female friend offer to have sex with me to lose my virginity. I didn't do because I didn't want to look regret it. I mean I liked her as a friend but nothing romantic. I wanted it to be with someone I cared about a little more. She liked me though, she wanted to have a relationship and I didn't. Just wanted sex.*

This was late 2013 and I wished I did it. Just so I could check it off. Like "OK I like sex with girls", or "nah I don't think it was my thing." So I have this burning what if that won't get solved for a while. But at the same time I could have gotten her pregnant so I'm also kinda happy I didn't.*

I guess I'd have to get a job to out more and be more social. I know fantasy is different from the real thing and I just have to know. I'm talking for both sexes too. I often I'm not really sure I'm bi and this is just a stepping stone but it feels real to me. If I dated or had sex this would so much easier.*

 

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Thanks for the advice.

 

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Thanks for the reply! I'm 18 btw. Yeah my friend is a very cool guy, very accepting. I have met someone I'd like to date and have sex with etc but it didn't work out. Now this happened about two months before I started questioning.

I knew her through my friends (same friend I was talking about in my original post) and knew her from school(I changed schools that year). At first I didn't like her at all. I thought she was loud and obnoxious but somehow she won me over. I usually have very shitty luck with girls. I like them but they think I'm lame or something but she was different. She liked the stuff I did, thought I was cool, she called me handsome which no one outside of my family has ever done.

She was super cute too , like painfully pretty. I have no idea why she even hung around us sometimes. Everyone she hugged me it was like a shocked through my body. This often led to boners. Well anytime she touched me I felt that and it felt right.

This all ended on a Thursday in march. I was talking to a friend(same one) about we all liked her (cuz we kinda did) and then he mentioned that she had a boyfriend. My whole body Was shaking I felt like my world ending. I listened to some music to fit the mood (nirvana) and just sat there. He talked me through it and felt OK after an hour or so. I've talked to her since and said how I felt. I do think she liked but couldn't do anything because of her boyfriend.

I actually asked her if she would kiss me if she didn't have a boyfriend and she said yes. We haven't talked in like a year or so.

conquincidencely she was bi. I'm not sure if I'm afraid to be bi. I'm OK with saying the label but being attracted to another guy is scary. I haven't felt that spark or feeling with anyone either sex since her. I check a lot but I just haven't felt that spark. I guess I'm a little afraid of feeling it for a guy.

Oh all this happened early 2013 when I was 15.

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2015 at 03:49 AM ----------

I also worry that I only like girls aestheticly.

 

Honestly if I did I don't know where the problem would be. It might be hard at first but I'm sure I wouldn't care after a while. I feel I shouldn't or can't count what I felt for her because it happened a while back and it was before I really started questioning. Two months before to be exact. I'm a worry wort I can't help it. I might also have mild to moderate anxiety but I'm not sure.

I guess I worry a lot because I don't get boners for girls as much as I used to. It just looks normal to me now I guess.

 

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So I should basically calm down and go with the flow? That's hard for me.

 

It's just the uncertainty that scared me so much. I don't know where I'm gonna end up.

 

Honestly I don't know how I feel about guys. The only experience I have is sexting on chat apps. I've never had a crush a guy I don't think. Tho I may have had a crush on a male friend and not known.

I do remember being 14 and staring at a new kid that came in. I was staring hard (which for me usually means I like you to some degree) I thought he was cute I guess. I felt it but I didn't know that's what it was because I thought I was straight. I become friends with that kid and I didn't feel anything for him once that happened.

 

Like "oh he's hot I'd fuck him?" Not in real life. Not online either really. I think lots of guy are attractive but it usually never goes that far. Well I've thought about having sex with a friend.