So I'm just about 100% certain I'm gay, or at least very high up the gay end of the spectrum. Despite probably knowing this all my life, and having consciously acknowledged it over three years ago, I am still a long way from feeling comfortable & content with this fact. Despite this, I still experience certain ~feelings~ around guys which I strongly suspect are a product/remnants of compulsory heterosexuality. These feelings include occasional, brief flutterings of attraction (which still feel automated rather than instinctive, and during which I experience a sort of drifting away sensation, where I end up not feeling very much myself and like I have experienced this attraction in a third-person sense), a physical response to male proximity + flirtations/advances (should note this happens even when I am not at all objectively interested in the guy) and periods where I fantasize about guys and "get off" easily to those fantasies (something I was actually never able to do when I thought of myself as "straight", and which induce largely physical feelings that don't go very deep or feel emotionally/spiritually fulfilling). The annoying thing is whenever I experience any of these things, I experience a feeling of lightness + relief, and I sometimes feel compelled to allow these feelings to happen because the feeling of being gay still feels so heavy and overwhelming, and something I sometimes just need a break from for the sake of my emotional/mental wellbeing. I know this is all very unhealthy and will ultimately hold me back in accepting my true identity. So I want to know if anyone else has experienced this, and what they did to combat it? I have a feeling the only way for me would be to actually get out there and get some experience being with girls, but at the same time, at the moment I don't feel emotionally ready for that, or even feel an urge to start dating, and would rather wait until I meet a girl I have strong feelings for, and just hope those feelings will override the deeply ingrained, negative feelings surrounding my sexuality.
I think there are probably many homosexuals who dated the opposite sex for a while until they were willing and able to accept self. I know i dated a guy for a long time who i never had to have sexual interaction with just because I could avoid my sexuality. Like say, I have a boyfriend not looking for anyone else. I guess you have to identify how you feel during these sexual moments with these men. Do you get excited... heart beat fast...sparks? or do you feel you are just in the motions..just going with the flow... no emotions or sexual feelings there.. just being there? If you feel excited, alive, and heart beating fast then I would think that is a sign of sexual attraction. If you felt dead and just going with the motion then I would think that is a sign you really aren't into being sexual with men. Maybe instead of dating guys/having sex with them you just focus on you and being you. Do things you love to enjoy (hobbies)? Just focus on you and reconnecting with self. If any of your friends/family/guys ask why you aren't dating any guy/seeing any guys, you can say, "I'm just focusing on myself and relationships take work and usually come with drama. I just want to recenter before being with anyone at the moment." just take a moment and think about self, accepting self, and figuring out what you actually want. Most likely this is all just you feeding the denial or the idea that you could at least be bisexual. Take it as a form of mourning what you thought your future would have been like. Fantasies are just fantasies... people can have fantasies and when they act it out in reality they find out they are not into it. Fantasy and reality are very different. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder when they passed marriage equality in all 50 states. Hope this helped a bit.
Wow, I can very much relate to your post -to the point that I feel I could have written in myself. My experience is a little bit different in that I both acknowledge some attraction to men- but at the same time, also don't feel like fantasising about it is doing much for me- so I switch to thinking about other stuff. I think what is important is to realise that there is no magical switch that will make you go 100% gay- and you don't need that to feel legitimately valid in your sexuality as somebody who is interested in being with women- be it gay or bi. If you feel that you have some attraction to men- but are still on the gay end of the spectrum- there is no point in clinging onto those attraction to men in the hope that they will grow and make your same-sex attractions disappear. On the other hand if you do feel some attraction, but still feel you might have a preference for women, there is also no sense in denying those opposite-sex attractions. Just let them be, and don't let them become the thing which prevents you from being with women. Personally I am completely a Kinsey 5- on some days I feel like I am completely a 6, and on others, like I could be attracted to a man, but still something would feel off about acting on it- it is a difficult place to be, because it feels a bit forced/weird to me & I don't want to *be* with a man, but I still find myself reacting to one in some ways, and it feels like a mixture of attraction and repulsion which makes it difficult to cope with/ accept. But there is also no way to erase traces of opposite sex attraction- and there is no reason to fight parts of you - which might be conditioned, or might be natural, but they are still there, even if you feel like you would be better off without them. Similarly those attractions will not erase the fact that you are attracted to the same sex. Bisexual people experience attraction to both but our culture teaches us that those experiences must mutually invalidate each other- eg straight attractions must invalidate gay attractions- but bi people learn to cope with this expectation and manage to have relationships with both. Bi people are not straight- and yet I see a lot of borderline gay/bi people, myself included, cling to hopes or fears that having some form of opposite attraction invalidates our same- sex attraction. I think one way of coping with this is accepting the idea of bisexuality as such- maybe not necessarily as a possible identity for yourself (if you feel that you more on the gay end of the spectrum) - but as a valid and existing orientation- that it is possible for an individual to experience opposite sex traction, without it meaning that they are straight, and it invalidating the same- sex part. - accepting this idea should make it easier to confront the fact that you are still attracted to women and desiring of same- sex relations. That some form of response to a man did not make your same sex attractions vanish.
Thanks for your reply seeking. I don't exactly feel those things during those moments, but it doesn't feel like nothing. It feels like a slight charge & my senses feel heightened, as well as a slight degree of excitement It's not an unpleasant experience, but it's not the same as how I can imagine feeling around a girl I am attracted to (which would be more like as you described... heart racing, serious sparks etc). I do feel like this issue is becoming a bit of a black hole for me, like my whole life is being sucked into it. The only hobby I keep up with now is my writing but all I can write about is this, as I feel poetry is the only medium in which I can explore these spiritual/enlightening feelings - so even that interest doesn't draw me away from the issue! I guess I should try to stop getting so obsessed by it, but it feels like such a huge part of me that becomes bigger, deeper and more unavoidable with each passing day. I'm just trying to get to a point where I have explored it to the point of acceptance, where it no longer feels like a weight inside me. I guess I just don't know whether this continuous exploration is the right way to get there, or whether it's just exasperating the issue.
Thanks, LooseMoose! I have to say, the posts of yours I have read before have also chimed with me. I guess the issue right now is partly to do with figuring out whether those feelings towards guys are true & innate or whether they are induced somehow, as you said, culturally. I have never been able to understand bisexuality on a personal level, and the label has never felt right to me, which could be an indication that those feelings I experience around guys are not really real or mine at all. Because of my tendency to obsess and over-analyse, this issue has broadened out to other facets of my identity, to the point whether my identity feels very unstable and in a constant state of flux, and the question of who I *really* am feels so crucial, to the point where I often wonder if my identity developed wrongly, that perhaps I have been led down the wrong path(s) in life. My sexuality remains at the very core of this questioning, as I really feel like a different person when this part of me comes to the fore. I can't help but wonder how I would feel as an individual if I had somehow acknowledged and accepted this part of me earlier. Would I have a fuller, concrete, more confident sense of my own identity? This line of thinking sends me to very dark places, and I can't help but wish, so very deeply, that things were different. All I know is that feelings towards my own gender feel instinctive and have always resided very deep inside me, probably before I even know what attraction/sex/homosexuality were. And the idea of being with a guy even in the abstract has always felt off. This is why I feel fundamentally gay, yet, because most facets of my identity developed while under the pretext of being heterosexual (or, at the very least, label-less) living as gay in an absolute way feels almost suffocating. I hope I am making at least a little bit of sense. It's hard to put all this into words as I have up until recently only experienced these conflicts on sub-conscious levels.
To me it looks like you do overanalyse and obsess over this a bit too much- don't take it the wrong way, I can relate to that as well. It also looks like your issues might not be entirely sexuality based. At least this is my own issue- I am addressing it in therapy at the moment. Basically, at least for me, sexuality is only one of the issues related to identity, and it is only one aspect of a person - for me it is important to develop other aspects & when I cannot do that I tend to obsess over sexuality issues. Before I entered therapy I have felt my sense of self flipping from one form to another, once in therapy, I have gained some continuity- but I still obsess a bit. If you live in Camden or Islington you can self-refer for therapy- the waiting lists are long, but worth it - here is the site for it Self-referral | icope There might be other options for self referral in London as well- not sure about that. I am doing psychodynamic therapy which is about your relationship to others and yourself. I can relate to a certain anger at not being allowed to develop naturally as a gay woman- but I am not sure if it having this would have solved the problem of not feeling a concrete and solid identity - because sexuality is only part of our identity and not the whole thing. If you struggle with a sense of self you might be grasping at sexuality to provide you with a clear box and label to fit in- because it can be exhausting not having this- on the other hand this might also feel terrifying, because it closes a lot of possibilities off. But really this is putting too much expectation onto sexuality- it is very basic, but not everything in your life. I am not sure I can say more really at this moment- but feel free to message or write on my wall if you want to talk more.
Maybe volunteering at a LGBT center will help you. Maybe you need to be around people who are bisexuals and gay/lesbian. Make a circle of friends who are part of the LGBT scene. It might help with accepting self and clearing any doubts about where you truly fit on the scale. It is also okay to not have a "label" and just go with the flow and let time really highlight what your sexuality is. I started questioning my sexuality at age 13... i didn't fully come into confidence of my sexuality until like age 19 or 20... So just go with the flow and let time tell. And if you can't get in to see a therapist. (Idk how UK works, I reside in America) Many LGBT centers offer free counseling to those in the community.
Thanks for your replies. I actually live quite a bit outside London so wouldn't be able to use those clinics. I've been thinking about therapy for a while although I do believe I've done a pretty good job of unravelling things myself, it's just accepting what I've discovered that's the problem. I'm not sure there are any LGBT centres near where I live (pretty suburb-y) but I do have a few gay friends (though only one female, who I think may still be primarily ace) who I guess I could start speaking to. I don't believe any have struggled with their sexuality particularly, so I'm not sure if this perspective would be helpful or not to me.
Even if they didn't struggle with their sexuality. They are still in the same boat and had to go through a process of discovering self. So doesn't hurt to have a support system. It's always nice to have someone who you can relate to and everyone's story will not be exact. Idk how old you are, but if you are in college. Most colleges have some LGBT support group. If you are about to enter college, maybe choose a college where you can be yourself and also get the degree you want. And if you are out of college/way out of college, you might have to be creative and network. Either way i think it's great to have people around who support you and even those you can relate to to an extent. Create your own world/circle and just focus on re-centering and becoming comfortable with who you are. You might be shocked there are more people than not who struggle with accepting some aspect of self even sexuality.
That's very true. I'm actually in my 20s, just finishing up a Masters degree. Ironically during the first year of my undergrad course (when I was living at uni) I did sign up to an LGBT reading group as I'd read some LGBT literature (mostly involving guys :icon_redf) but never went to any meetings - I guess because I was afraid that others in the group would assume my sexuality, which I was still afraid of + in denial about. In fact, I even went to Pride in London a few weeks ago. But that was with a male friend who I've had a (hypothetical) crush on for a while, so at the time I felt weirdly straight and as such disconnected with the community around me. So much irony! Re-centering is definitely my main focus right now, it's just a very internal process. I'm always imagining conversations in my head that I'd have with my friends, in which I would be able to reveal all this - but in reality I know I'd struggle to talk about it coherently & not break down over it. It's a difficult thing. But I really feel like articulating my feelings on here is one step towards doing the same in real life. I am so so grateful this forum exists!
Yea this forum is a great plateform. I can understand not going to the LGBT group. I avoid that for a while because in a sense it was like "coming out", but now i don't care if people know because i think I will gain more being myself than hiding. So trying to get out of my shell and create a community before coming out to my mother. I was also afraid of going to the groups because i didn't want it to get back to my ma which now i look back i don't know how it would have. My ma a couple weeks ago was like "Are you gay?" and i was like "No!" Which i don't regret saying because i wasn't ready to come out especially when i didn't plan on it. I want a support system in set before i come out to her and have time to just be me. just take your time and be with you. Also you are always welcome to post on my wall if you want someone to talk to.
Fox, have you had many gay (physical) encounters? Did you like them (apart from the guilt/shame)? Like you I have obsessed (yes I'm over-educated, a writer etc also) and wrestled endlessly with guilt, shame, identity etc IN MY MIND. In the end it comes down to who we're attracted to and what we've done about the attractions and how we felt in the moment. We live in our bodies and emotions as well as our minds.
I get where you're coming from. I still have these heterosexual attractions like you mentioned, and so that's why I wouldn't say I'm a Kinsey 6, but a 4/5 because god damn you gotta admit a slim girl in a bikini is HOT. I wouldn't act out these thoughts, but damn you gotta thank mother nature for breeding such amazing bodies.
Thanks seeking. Chicagoblue, I've only experienced flirtations/a small amount of cuddling with a female friend, both of which felt natural. Jax, I can't really relate to that when it comes to male physicality, but I have certainly swooned a little at certain attractive guys, though in kind of a disconnected/shallow/third person way.
