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I don't understand romantic orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by KayJay, Jul 25, 2015.

  1. KayJay

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    How does it work? It seems weird that you can desire someone sexually or think they are attractive but not want to be with them outside of sex?

    I don't really know how to ask without coming across like a jerk. I see lots of different orientations and things around here and it doesn't seem to make sense in my brain. I'm not against anyone at all, I totally understand that people can feel certain ways that I don't and that doesn't mean how they feel isn't real just because I don't feel or relate to it.

    I know the definitions of lots of newer labels, so I understand what they mean I guess but at the same time it doesn't quite make sense to me. If I like women for example, but can like men only romantically or sexually, why not just say I'm lesbian? It'll be hard to find a man who wants a relationship without sex (I am not saying all men need sex to be in a relationship!) I feel like sex is important in a relationship. It sort of drives desire to be with and love that person. It's really intimate.

    After all my explaining I think I realized my real question. Why is it that only recently we have all the new labels that separate their sexual and non sexual attraction when the whole point of a sexual orientation is labeling who you are attracted to?

    I don't know if I will reply heavily to this thread. I'm not here to say anyone who experience this is wrong or it isn't real. I'm just confused in a way and would like to hear about it from the people experiencing it and really anyone's opinion on the matter. I just want to learn about it to be better informed. I'll probably look at some stuff online about it but there's a great community here who I'm sure has lots of knowledge to share on the subject.
     
  2. Fallingdown7

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    The concept of romantic orientations originated because of the asexual community. It was a way to say people could lack sexual attraction and still have a gender preference.

    Nowadays everyone is using it. I personally think It's 100% possible for a separation to happen, but in most cases the biromantic homosexual/Heteromantic bisexual etc labels happen because of internalized homophobia.
     
  3. Eveline

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    As you mentioned, sex is an act of intimacy, a way for two people to become closer. However, sex is not the only way to be intimate and romantic orientation is a manifestation of all the acts of intimacy outside of sex. It's the emotional connection that you have to your partner and the bond that you share with them. Sex is just as much about fulfilling a need as it is about intimacy for most people. People who are more strongly romantically inclined will simply focus more on other forms of intimacy fulfilling their need for intimacy through romantic acts and emotional bonding. Think about it, many couples, once they have children, become much less sexually active. Despite this lack of intimacy, many remain just as close and even create a stronger bond. The reason why this is possible is that intimacy between partners takes on many forms and sex is only one of them. Even sharing stories of how your day was is an act of intimacy and it's known that if a couple stops talking it will have a fairly negative effect on the marriage.
     
    #3 Eveline, Jul 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2015
  4. Chip

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    There's no credible evidence that there is any separation between romantic and sexual identity. As the above poster states, it's entirely an invention of "the asexual community" and something that came about entirely from a consensus reality they created. Few, if any credible professionals, researchers, or anyone else, outside of that tiny community, believe there are separate romantic or sexual identities.
     
  5. Eveline

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    Logically speaking, partners do have ways to express intimacy outside of sex. How are those acts of intimacy defined scientifically. The APA for example defines sexual orientation as an "enduring pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attractions to men, women or both sexes." (Answers to Your Questions For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality) Meaning that the APA recognizes that a person can feel a romantic attraction to another person while not feeling a sexual attraction. Notice the use of the word "or" before sexual attractions. Notice also that asexuality doesn't appear as one of the sexual orientations discussed in the definition:

    "sexual orientation is usually discussed in terms of three categories: heterosexual (having emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to members of the other sex), gay/lesbian (having emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to members of one's own sex) and bisexual (having emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to both men and women)."

    This shows that the definition was written outside of the context of asexual discourse and has no connection to the AVEN. In the end, AVEN simply expanded on a term that was considered a part of the known sexual orientations giving a new label to it which includes the word asexual.
     
  6. Chip

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    In the interest of not getting too far off of the op's question (which tends to happen any time I point out the lack of credible evidence for unrecognized labels) I will simply say that I think you are reading a lot more into that statement than what was intended (at least, based on my understanding from the clinicians I work with who are intimately familiar with the DSM and the discussions behind it.).

    Since you agree that AVEN has expanded a term (I will add, without any credible basis to do so) I don't think there's much disagreement here and I would suggest that we not get into yet another pissing contest between widely-accepted thoughts and those of a tiny contingent. If you must do so, please do it in another thread.
     
  7. Eveline

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    I'm glad to hear that you agree with most of what I said and I apologize that I wrote my post in a way that lead you to believe that I am trying to be confrontational or argumentative, it was definitely not my intention. (*hug*)

    I agree that it is about time that the pattern of confrontational arguments revolving around romantic attraction/orientation end and we break the cycle of hurtful comments and repetitive arguments. This is a support forum and in my eyes the pattern has mostly been harmful to the community and created an atmosphere or hostility around the subject matter. I'm sure that quite a few people have avoided talking about romantic attraction because it would place them inside this narrative and as such in the line of fire.

    I was considering avoiding writing a reply, but truthfully, if I don't, I suspect that others might come in and rekindle the flames. The subject of romantic attraction is in my eyes really interesting and there is no reason why we can't discuss the topic in a theoretical and non argumentative manner. There can be multiple ways to approach the subject matter and I presented one such way, nothing more. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Eveline, Jul 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2015
  8. darkcomesoon

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    Basically, I have crushes on guys, but I'm not attracted to them. I think guys are cute, but not hot. I want to kiss and hold hands and cuddle and do romantic stuff, but I don't want to make out with them and I certainly don't want to sleep with them. Separating my romantic orientation from my sexual orientation is the best way I have to describe that.

    I only use the full label of biromantic heterosexual on this website just because it can be relevant when I'm giving advice. In real life, I call myself bi because I think people need to know who I'm going to be in a relationship with, not who I'm going to sleep with.

    It's true, it might be hard to find a guy who wants to be in a relationship without sex, but I've always had crushes on guys, so it would feel weird to me to pretend I'm straight just because I'm probably not going to date a lot of guys. Plus, sex isn't so important to me, so I consider my romantic orientation to be a more significant part of my identity.