I've posted here before but didn't get a reply. Maybe it was because this kind of question has been done to death or maybe because no one gives a shit - either way it would be nice to get some opinions. I'm a 30 year old male. I was a late bloomer and never even kissed a girl properly until I was 17 but once I got started I was always falling for chicks and wanting to sleep with them. Slept with 15 or so women so far. Admittedly I've never been good at picking up in bars and I've always been the 'nice guy' so that's limited my options. But along the way I got into two long term relationships in my early 20's and late 20's. Sex for me has always been great as long as I wasn't really drunk or the girl wasn't really ugly. I've always like it, wanted more of it and never not wanted it. I never even questioned my sexuality until I was in my early 20's when I realised I was making 'bedroom eyes' at guys sometimes and I assumed it must just mean I found them attractive - and I guess I did - although it would happen with everyone, even girls, and women, even old men and old women, even if they were fat and ugly and toothless, haha. It was strange - I woud think "How and why the hell would am I want to sleep with these people? Why am I making eyes at them?". Anyway, I believe the saying that they eyes are the window to the soul so it's got me stumped. Over the years I've noticed I get some slight slight movement in my dick when I see a good looking dude etc. In fact I'd say it happens more so than with hot girls etc. But the thought is never "Oh yeah, I want to stick my dick in them", just "That dude is hot, fuck I must be gay". So I am attracted to them and my body responds but the thought of their sweaty balls or ass near my face is not appealing. The smell is appealing though - the musk. Sweet, primal. But then again so are womens natural smell. That stuff is pretty captivating. Clean, fragrant, earthy etc. As for women, I can get the slight movement in the pants if I see an upskirt or down blowse on the bus or train but it actually happens less than if a really muscly dude is standing there. So that's confusing. But I've never got a proper erection over a dude but I do get them thinking about girls all the time. Sitting at work, i'll catch myself fantasizing about a girl I know (either stuff that has happened or I want to happen), and will just get a full blown aching erection that will prevent me from getting up for a good 10 minutes. I also have never dreamed about sex with a dude (though there have been dicks in my dreams sometimes) but I do dream about tits and pussy and touching and being touched by chicks and fucking them about two to three times a month and it gets me really confused. Gay, straight, bi, confused, desperate? Wtf. So I finally decided to watch a gay porno the other week. I had planned to do it a long time ago to test if I was aroused but honestly I was just always happy with girls in porn and maybe was also scared of the implications if I found it a real turn on. So I watched it and jerked off a bit but ended up switching back to straight porn. It's not that I lost my erection - it's just that I got bored and wanted to see a chick suck dick or get fucked rather than a dude. Then a few days after that I saw a gif with one dude sucking off another dude and I got a slightly bigger erection. Not a flat-out raging hard on but my dick grew from flaccid to soft but bigger than flaccid - a slight semi. And so I was like "Yup, you're gay!". 2 nights later I woke up after eating pussy in a dream and basically thought "Damn, I actually think I might be bisexual". Not to mention the fact I love pussy - so wtttffff is happening. Anyway, since my 20's I've gone through moments where I thought I was full blown gay to thinking I was straight but curious to thinking I was bisexual. Thing is though the odds are REALLY stacked against bisexuals (as far as I've read) and so there have been times where I think I'm just massively in denial about being gay. Another option is that I'm desperate and will sleep with anything - although that is stupid, since I've had the opportunity to pursue and sleep with many people (guys and girls) in the past but didn't because I wasn't attracted to them. It'd be nice to get some opinions - I'm getting more comfortable with the term 'Bisexual' but I guess some group consensus would be good. Obviously that is where I am leaning but affirmation from a fellow human being would be nice, and just to know I'm not insane. Or even a 'You so gay and in denial man' would be good. I could finally put this issue to rest. At the end of the day I just want someone who I can love and who loves me.
It's hard to say, really. You seem to have some curiosity about guys- but it's not clear to me whether it goes beyond that. You say when you see a dude you deem hot, you enjoy looking at them but you can't see yourself interacting with them, right? If you let go of any preconceived ideas about gay relationships and only listened to your feelings (in either sense of the word ), would you still be unable to see yourself with them? Also when you're fantasising without porn, sexually or romantically or both, who is your mind drawn to more easily? I get the impression it's girls, but have there been times where a guy's popped in view of your mind's eye and you've liked it? My opinion is basically irrelevant compared to yours about this because I'm not inside your head, but I think what you can say is that you're more into girls, but sometimes you can derive enjoyment from guys. It seems you do have a gay side but that your attractions to women are stronger, at least at this point from what you wrote. Whether you want to call that straight-curious or bisexual is up to you, but imo unless you want a sexual and/or romantic relationship with a guy curious fits a little better.
Well first of all you're using porn to "test" yourself which in itself is a mistake already. I actually like watching straight porn more than gay porn, not sure why. It took me a while to realize this, but what makes you gay is the relationship you seek outside in the real world, not what you want to jerk off to in front of your monitor. So, take a break from the fantasy world and get out there and explore! Meet new people, and see where that leads you.
@sam the man - Thanks for your reply, it means A LOT! To answer you question - I'm not sure. I know I am definitely curious or else why would I be feeling these things. As far as letting go of societies expectations and acting on pure natural impulse then yes, I think I could definitely feel an attraction to a guy and would want to feel more that emotional bond. But then I think about having a cock and balls and ass in my face and, although I haven't ever had that, my initial reaction to the thought, while not disgust is definitely not like "Hell YEAH that's hot". Could I sleep with a dude? I don't know really - I can't knock it until I've really tried it to be honest. As far as when I fantasise, yeah sometimes I've been jerking off and between the spank bank of downblouses, upskirts, past sexual experiences etc the thought of a dude does pop into my minds eye. I have entertained the idea for a while before (there have been moments where I find the thought of a dude jerking off actually arousing) but usually I just drift from that and back onto girls. Maybe I just feel it's gay to think about guys? Yeah, I do think it's gay, haha, but I would do it more if it felt good. When I'm masturbating, I'm just chasing that buzz, the "horny buzz" from you gut to your balls that makes you rock hard - and I find that mostly when thinking about women. @Jax12 - Thank you. And you are right! Just gotta keep hurling myself at the world and see when I stick.
