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What should i do?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Kingjules, Jul 27, 2015.

  1. Kingjules

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Hell
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    My first post on here, i am so confused. I am an 18 year old malewho has always thought i was straight. Always. I have always fancied girls(since i was 5), always fantasized over women, always watched straight porn. I have had a girlfriend for 1 and a half years now, i love her millions. At the beginning i would obsess over her, the only thing i could think about, everything was amazing. However, after a while, i started to go off sex as she was not very good (i took her virginity) and maybe i started to lose some attraction to her? I still fantasized about other girls and watched porn but i didnt really want to have sex with her that much. I was very frustrated about my 'shag numbers' as all my friends have had sex with more girls than me. I have always been a very anxious person, completly self-concious and maybe sub-conciously insecure(?), even though girls think im attractive ive always felt i was ugly and a loser. Anyway, sometimes i was very concious about the way i look/dress and appear, sometimes i wouldnt leave the house because i thought i looked stupid or skinny or gay. For a week i was pretty nervous thinking i looked 'gay' and i smoked weed and i thought ' oh shit what if im gay' while i was high and i freaked out. The next day i did want to have sex with my gf and i started feeling very nervous and uncomfortable. Later on, i had a panic attack and i was convinced i was gay, i could not eat for a week. However the second week i forgot about it and was normal again, until, i was walking through the streets and felt that people were looking at me and thinking i was gay(pathetic i know). I started googling, becoming very nervous and VERY OBSESSED. Now, i constantly check my reactions towards both genders, i look at pictures to see if im attracted to men, i try and masturbate to gay thoughts(only once got an erection but i felt sick and hated it, other times i could not get hard and was very anxious). I spend my whole day googling 'coming out stories' to try and compare, i am very scared and confused. I constantly try and analyse past situations(very obbsesively) to see if i can think of a time i was gay, but ive always fancied girls and never males. Everytime i see a handsome or ripped guy i feel very nervous and mistake that for sexual attraction, i then need to calm my anxiety with a compulsion such as googling, asking for reassurance or seeing if i could get turned on by pictures of men. I really don't want to 'test' myself anymore but it feels like i have to make sure i'm not attracted. I've taken countless tests, but it always says straight or kinsey 0. My mum and dad are very liberal and i am very accepting of the lgbt community. I am also an anthiest. Since this has happened, i have lost all my libido and attraction toward females, only notice guys(which i hate), spend my days googling and looking at guys to see if im attracted to it and constantly battling in my head. I want my attractions back for girls, i hate this. I feel very depressed and feel like ive lost my identity. I feel 'gay and camp and i hate it. I still masturbate over females but i'm filled with doubt, i'm so filled with doubt i don't know who i am anymore, i feel like i'm in denial. I obsess that i'm really gay and denying it. I still havent watched gay porn(i don't want to) but i google imaged 'gay sex' but it just feel pretty nasty and weird. But this doubt creeps in after 'do i like that' 'how can i tell if i like that'. Everytime i see an attractive dude i get filled with anxiety and doubt and i feel really gay, to calm this i google to make sure i am not. I have always been able to tell if a dude is attractive, always had heroes and admired men but i have never had a sexual attraction or thought towards them before. What am i? Straight with serious OCD/anxiety, bi-sexual or gay in deep denial? HELP!

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2015 at 12:14 AM ----------

    Also, i have seen a councillor, who said i have intrusive thoughts(i'm not convinced) and currently undergoing CBT.
     
  2. ilovesg

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2013
    Messages:
    207
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I have heard of straight people with a certain type of OCD that makes them think they're gay when they're not and that sounds pretty much like what you are saying, although I am not trying to diagnose you or anything. If you have never been attracted to guys, you are not gay. I was in a similar position as you when I first started questioning my sexuality, I knew i wasn't attracted to guys and I liked girls, and yet for some reason I didnt trust myself. It is easy to get overwhelmed and to keep googling coming out stories and all of these things that can make you more confused. Trust you instincts. You have always like girls and not guys, so chances are, you're straight. It is possible that you lost you libido because your sexuality is stressing you out and causing you anxiety. I don't think you're gay in denial. Just relax, try not to worry about labels, and embrace any feelings that you have. If you end up realizing you're bi, great. If you end up realizing you're straight and were just questioning, great. No one can know your sexuality but you, and I think deep down you know the answer. Good luck with everything.