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Retrospective crushes

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by foxconfessor, Jul 31, 2015.

  1. foxconfessor

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    The first time I seriously considered the idea that I might be gay (about three summers ago) I questioned how I could have been, when I didn't have feelings for girls in real life.

    But the more time passes, the more I realise just how many gay crushes/attractions I have experienced without even knowing it. What's funny is during the first few months of one crush (on a close female friend, whose since come out as gay) I actually liked the idea of people thinking we were romantically involved - I thought of it as a sort of like a trendy college girl boundary-free relationship, and didn't take it too seriously, even though I did get jealous when she would act close around other female friends. Now the enormity of those feelings (which I no longer have towards her) are hitting me like a ton of bricks.

    At uni too, there were a few girls in my classes who I couldn't help but stare at, would notice when they weren't there, and whose female friends I felt an irrational dislike towards.

    It all seems so obvious now, but at the time, I acknowledged these feelings only as evidence of my own ~fluidity~, despite not instinctively feeling the same way towards guys, while also feeling a sense of niggling doubt/ingenuity regarding any male crushes. I just didn't frame my feelings towards girls in the same way, because it just wasn't the done thing among my other female friends.

    The trouble is, like the rest of this coming out process, it's doing my head in. I get flashes of some strong but sub-conscious feelings from years ago, which dissipate as soon as I try to cling onto them. At the same time, I'm left reeling from the brief & instinctual certainty of them.

    Has anyone else experienced this?
     
    #1 foxconfessor, Jul 31, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2015
  2. bi2me

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    I went through a pretty emotional time about a year ago when I realized that I'm bisexual. It took a good 4-6 months for me to even out my emotions and kind if come to terms with it, and I still have some up and down days. I've got a blog up with my story if you want more information, or feel free to ask. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Connorcode

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    Though I accepted being gay about 4 years ago, earlier this year I had the thought that I hadn't had any gay crushes; only then, reflecting retrospectively, did I realise that I have had so many - tens of them that I'd never recognised. Weird.
     
  4. thewolf

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    Had a crush on a girl in 7th grade. She was beautiful, sweet, funny, etc, but my Autistic self couldn't make good on her attempts to befriend me.

    ...Sometimes I'm alone and think, "good GRIEF, I'm an idiot."

    And sometimes I fantasize about meeting her again and falling in love... I really need to do something about this.
     
  5. Lin1

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    I totally see where you are coming from. Everytime I find myself gobsmacked by how many clues of my bisexuality were there that I didn't see until I came to term with my sexuality, so many girl ( and female actress) crushes so many things should have made me go ' hold on a second, I don't think you are straight Linning" but nope lol just took all those sign as normal stuff or proof of my tolerance and support towards the LGBT community and their right... :rolle:

    Makes me laugh now cause every time something come back I am just like ' I was so gay !' haha but yep took a while to admit it to myself and now I finally find myself ready to admit it to others. :slight_smile:
     
  6. DreamerBoy17

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    I was just watching the trailer for the second Hotel Transylvania movie (which looks dumb) but when I saw it I was totally shocked. I saw the first one when I was in 5th grade when the first one came out, and I specifically remembered thinking, "wow, Mavis (female vampire) would be really cute if I was a guy." That one thought had been buried in my memory until yesterday, so I was surprised when I remembered it. I feel like I'm going to keep unearthing these gay signs as I get older XD
    Oh, and in kindergarten I had a female friend I was very protective over, and I'm pretty sure I had a crush on her, even if I didn't consciously realize it :grin:
     
  7. C P

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    I was kind of the opposite there.

    I've seen people I went to school with and stuff that I find (very) attractive who, ya know, look essentially the same but older, and wonder how the hell I didn't notice or feel anything.
     
  8. TeaTree

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    This sounds way too familiar to me too. I remember for example a few school trips where I usually made one female friend and wanted to be with her all the time, felt so good and so "real" to be with her, these were the cases when I was in that "flow" state of there is nothing outside the present moment...And I felt also jealous when she said she wants to be friends with other girls :slight_smile:
    But back then, even if sometimes I was secretely hoping she would like girls, I still couldn't admit to myself I could be gay. And that was more than 15 years ago, wow.
    Also another one of the many pointers from my past was when I was reading this novel about some young guys who were on holiday in France and at one point one of them is going to meet this girl, and there is some slightly erotic description about that in the book and while reading I caught myself fantasizing that I am that guy and got really turned on, but then I freaked out and tried to rationalize it away.

    And I have loads of these memories but I'm still confused about myself :slight_smile:
     
  9. HardToSay

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    I can so totally relate!!! Looking back I realize i had so many crushes, and I was oh so jealous of intruding entities, and I had never even noticed what it really was. Only reently, after I came to terms with myself and my Feelings did I realize how many same sex crushes I had
     
  10. foxconfessor

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    I think I've just managed to remember my earliest attraction/crush on a girl. What's weird is that when I think about my feelings for other girls, they seem so familiar, it's almost as if I've felt them my entire life without knowing it. But for ages now I have not been able to recall a single specific example of them before college. Now I think I have - on a girl who joined my French class when I was about 13/14. Re-imagining it now, I can feel those exact lightning feelings (or like the ground was going to swallow me) when I saw her for the first time as if it happened yesterday - yet I must have suppressed it so well, because now I'm not sure whether this actually happened or if I'm just imagining it. I actually ended up sitting next to her the next year for the same lesson yet as it turned out her personality was far less pleasant than her appearance, so I guess my feeling of dislike towards her overshadowed that initial attraction in the end...
     
  11. YuriBunny

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    I had a crush on a girl in elementary school. I was obsessed with the thought of kissing her. :lol: If only I'd known what 'gay' meant at the time, I would've realized a lot sooner!
     
  12. foxconfessor

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    Weirdly I don't think I had a physical desire to kiss girls etc but whenever I've had strong attractions it's been towards girls who seem very beautiful and pure-seeming... at the time I've just had the feeling like wow, where did she come from, she's so beautiful and cool seeming... and immediately wanting to get to know them better and become close friends with them. Well, at the time I framed it as wanting to be friends... all the while I labelled guys I actually just wanted to be friends with as infatuations whereas I think it was actually the other way round...
     
  13. OnceUponADream

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    I can absolutely relate. I didn't realize my feeling for a specific girl until a few months after she moved away. When I was 14 almost 15 she transferred into my English class and I remember this rush of energy that hit me when I saw her. She was beautiful and all I knew was that I wanted to know her; I wanted to be close to her. The thought that my feelings for her were romantic didn't really strike me for some time but subconsciously I had known all along. When the thought that I might be gay hit me I freaked out because as soon as I thought it I knew it was true. While she certainly was the most significant crush, there certainly was other same sex attractions through out my early life.
     
    #13 OnceUponADream, Aug 6, 2015
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  14. mochii

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    YES only within the past year when I started realizing I was gay, and it freaked me out a bit. I've always had these little forced male crushes, and no woman crushes (or so I thought). Then one day I was talking with my straight girl roommates about our best friends, and I was telling them about my old best friend and how we used to get each other super expensive birthday and holiday gifts every year from middle through high school. And they were bewildered by it and I was taken aback.
    After thinking through my friendship, I realized I was always jealous of her boyfriends and when our other girl friends would talk about her body and how we would shower together and go on vacations together. I always thought that was how all best friends were, until I realized it was more like a relationship. I also pushed this friend away years ago and I couldn't point out why. Now I know it was because of being gay, but not being able to recognize it and being scared. (I'm actually seeing this friend tomorrow night for the first time in forever :00 )
    That made me rethink a lot of friendships or just girl encounters in general and it helped me realize I'm gay. Ever since I haven't had a male crush and it feels really nice.
     
  15. DreamerBoy17

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    When I was 10 I liked that vampire girl from Hotel Transylvania (Mavis?) I specifically remember thinking, "if I was a guy I'd totally date her" :lol:
     
  16. galaxygia

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    Oh my god yes I'm not the only one!

    I've realized recently that I have had feelings for my current crush for as long as I can remember her being in my life. I just never noticed it. It wasn't really obvious, it's just I've always cared about her feelings about me and when she refused to talk to me because she wasn't feeling well emotionally I would care more about it than if my actual best friend felt that way. I've always blushed and gotten a little nervous around her too. XD Gawd, I'm such a sap!
     
  17. bi2me

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    Mochii, let us know how it goes! I'll be thinking about you! (*hug*)
     
  18. angeluscrzy

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    I struggled with repressing my sexuality ever since I experimented with a best friend when I was like 8 or 9. I would kind of crush on a girl and have the little relationships as a youth but nothing hit me quite as hard as when I was 15 and just fell head over heels for my best friend. Sadly, he was straight and nothing came of it. As far as famous crushes, its only been Brad Pitt and Gavin Rossdale. I STILL crush on them 20+ years later. But fast forward, had ltr and kids, and now back finally to put it all to rest and hopefully (finally) be able to act on all of it.
     
    #18 angeluscrzy, Aug 7, 2015
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  19. guitar

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    One friend in highschool I had a massive crush on/attraction to but didn't want to deal with those feelings & repressed/ignored them. Looking back it's painfully obvious that's what I was feeling.
     
  20. Jax12

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    Well, I pretty much masturbated to guys 90% of the time and always found older guys attractive, and some guys my age attractive, but someone I never had feelings for them, probably because of the way I was raised so I didn't think I would be gay.

    Now I'm starting to have feelings for guys because I think I've allowed myself to be attracted to them, whereas before I wouldn't put much thought into it and brushed it aside.

    I'm a Kinsey 4.5, so it's also a reason why I didn't ask myself when I was younger.