Hi, Sorry for the long post --- I just really needed to get some stuff out there to see if anyone can help me break down these thoughts in my head! ----- So, i've been seeing this girl for the past couple of weekends but IVe felt very nervous since the start. Whenever im usually with her i lose my inhibitions and my paranoia and get very self-concious about the way Im acting and whether she realises I like her. Ive also been unfolding my sexuality on my own and I know I like guys sexually but since going on this discovery, i no longer get arroused by women in porn and stuff like that. Also, i notice when Im with my guy mates I always feel like I have the energy to play into my Ego and show off a bit ... but when Im with her, i just fell... well.. lack of inhibitions and get very enclosed. I get very paranoid and where my brain is racing and muddled - i just dont have that motivation or capability to come up with good talking topics or ideas of stuff to do..... when Im in a conversation with her my mind is always thinking about whats BEEN said, rather than what to say next I have had sex with 1 girl before and it went terribly. It was when I was 16 and I didin't "finish". I didn't like her to be honest, i didn't want her to come round my house because she was getting pissed and her laugh was really irritating. But my mate invited her round and she just really, really liked me... Eh, I remember that somehow it got to me and her laying on my sofa and she was saying this stuff how she really liked me and I dont know why i said it, but i started saying BS about how I really liked her and how its mutual, i felt bad afterwards about it especialyl because it went so badly So, apart from that one girl I had "sex" with in college, i have never really had any relationships (even friends) with girls. All girls I have known have been my mate's friends, and i never really got that close to them. througout all my childhood I watched a lot of porn :S I feel like this might have something to do with why I struggle to just talk to women as human beings and just to be myself aroudn them. I never had real relationships growing up with women(apart from family) but watched a lot of porn. (i stopped a year ago or so). So, this girl IM seeing now is probably the closest ive been to a girl before and I feel like she only knows a small part of me, feel too scared to open up even more! Also, since the age of 15/16 (im 21 now) ive smoked weed fairly consistently. And now I smoke a hell alot of it. Im also in masses of debt with bank/companies. The girl im with smokes weed as well, but she seems to be a bit more level headed than me. When IM talking with her, i just feel stupid and like my brain doesn't work. I don't think its smoking weed in itself - ITs the fact that I've lost ALL my guy mates over the last year and for the past 6 months ive just sat in my own house, smoking weed, watching youtube videos. I no longer player guitar, no longer code programs, do very little housework, no pride in my job, I don't even enjoy watch films/TV because I lack concentration (utube videos are short 4/5 mins so its okay for my brain :S) and I just feel like a complete idiot for putting myself into this lifestyle. On one hand, i feel like If I cut down on weed, starting eating properly and just went back to looking after myself and stop being lazy basicly - I might gain that confidence back to then stop worryig about EVERYTHING and just make her laugh and find something we can do together. But then on the other hand - I feel like surely, if Im losing arrousal women and I dont get any sexual rushes when Im with her(like i do when I see a good looking guy in my legs/groin area)... then would getting a bit of confidence actually help? Shouldnt sexual attraction and arrousal still be there despite the fact im ridden with paranoia/worry? I feel like it should just always be there naturally and all this could just be me trying my absolute hardest to make it work with her. I just don't know. When I look at her I just watch to feel that adrenaline and passion but I just don't...... Am I just over-idealising what a relationship should be like? We've seen each other 3/4 times now and hardly touched :S Im sure that by now we both should of felt urges to just... i dont know, get closer to each other. But im just not getting that feeling like thats what I want to do. I feel a bit like whats the point... to what end do I actually want to get close, i feel a urge to do something - but dont know what... Also, I sometimes when im sitting with her and I just think to myself that Im getting bored and just want to go home (that feeling you get when its getting late and you check the clock and every half hour) - and that just makes me feel guilty and like a complete arsehole. Surely if only seeing her a couple of times that thought should never cross my head at this point - but it has a few times - its like i want to escape from there so I can be natural. But shouldn;t I feel most natural with her if I was attracted to her?! or isit totally normal to get bored sometimes when watching TV all night, smoking weed and I just overthink this? Im seeing her again tomorrow, gnna spend the day at hers having a Lazy Sunday as she put it, im looking really forward to it but also kinda nervous. I just really want to feel open with her but I dont even know what that means :S She was saying that we should go places together and Id fking love to! when she suggested we go out together - i was just like "WTF? I cant beleive she wants to go places with me". I just didn't get the impression that she wanted to see more of me in a long-term. Up until that point (which was yesterday) i felt like I was just a game she was playing. But now, i kinda feel like we could actually build up a relationship. but I feel really guilty for wanting to take her places and even feel guilty for saying flirty or nice things because I feel like im stringing her a long. And I feel like a soon as we get really intimiate, i wont feel arroused and it will just go terribly and I will feel like a REAL ARSHOLE then. SORRY FOR THE LONG POST
You need to just relax take a breather and try to approach the situation less tense. Don’t walk into the situation thinking that you won’t get aroused either that’s just being negative about the situation, what about just walking in without putting much thought and effort into anything? Just be yourself and let things flow naturally then when the day is over reflect on what you noticed and were able to analyze.
Two entirely separate issues: First, it's pretty clear that the weed is negatively impacting your life. You are likely using it as a means of self-medicating, and you are likely dependent on it. I would advise that you may want to explore getting help with that. It isn't as easy as you think to just give it up... but if you do so, completely, for at least 4 or 5 months, then you'll get a much cleareer indication of what you're feeling. (It will take that long to get the effects of it completely out of your system and allow your neurological system to reset itself.) And I think that may, unconsciously, be a byproduct of realizing that you aren't straight. As to whether you're gay or not, we can't clearly tell at this point because the weed use is likely clouding your ability to feel. I read above a lot about what you feel around women (which seems to be not much) but not much about men. What happens when you fantasize about men? masturbate thinking about men? When you're out and about, where do your eyes wander when you aren't paying attention? Is it guys or girls? These sorts of things will help you get a much clearer picture. But as I said... to get a definitive answer, you're going to need to give up the weed.
I agree with Chip, it feels like two seperate issues. For the first issue, you should definitely start taking better care of yourself. Stop smoking weed and start taking care of your body and your living area. These things will greatly improve your mood and your outlook on life. You need to make changes to get out of the rut that you've put yourself in. Do it in stages, not all at once as this will improve your chances of sticking to things long term. As for the part about your sexuality, I would say that only you can really know what you are and who you are attracted to. I think that maybe you should work on improving your life situation first and then when you have your confidence back maybe you could explore it further, watch some gay porn or try going on a date with a guy.
I agre with the the other posters above: STOP SMOKING WEED! Sorry about the caps but that stuff is really bad, especially for you, it seems. It does not help you cope, it gets you dependent and gets you to delay facing problems. Stop smoking weed. Also, about the girl: if you have to force yourself, like it seems, to "build something with her" she is obviously not the right person for you. Stop seeing her, or just make it clear you can only be friends, no strings attached. Maybe she is the wrong girl for you and the right one is out there, or maybe you are into guys, but that you have to know yourself. How do you feel about guys?
Your all right, i really need to stop smoking weed. Im meeting this girl again today, ive spoke to her on text this morning and when im talking to her i just feel really nervous. I like talking to her, but I hate being assertive and making plans or suggesting things of what to do. I saw her 2 days ago and we really got on well. I enjoyed our conversations and kept making suggestions to meet up and I got impression shes interested in building a relationship. But I just dont feel good enough or like Id be able to have a relationship with someone I am quiet introverted and am avoidant quiet a lot... but i guess weed is making that so... I dont feel "force" to be in a relationship with her, but i just feel like i dont know whether to get close to her first or tel her i might be gay first. I want to tell her Im questioning my sexuality but I dont know how to bring it up... i feel like we need to get closer, but then its something I NEED to tell her to feel closer to her and like I can be natural with her. and guys I really like :S
