Hi...this is very difficult for me to forge ahead on because...I'm a person who's struggled with his sexuality for years, I realize, and I want to finally be able to make peace with who I really am. So, forgive me if I seem too emotional, too aloof, leave details out, etc. Again, it's just hard for me to deal with all of this. I had my first sexual fantasy about other boys when I was eleven years old. At the same time, I consciously liked girls a lot and fantasized about them too, and would be heartbroken over and over again when it came to relationships that never happened with them. Nonetheless, it wasn't like having sex with other boys never entered my mind. I even tried to perform oral sex on my best friend during a couple weird sleepovers where we did sexual things (not to each other, just in general...it's hard to explain). During my freshman year of high school, I reached new extremes. Sodomy came in play, where I'd use phallic objects to reach a new sexual high. I would look at the crotches of other boys/men, though it wasn't like I was necessarily going to perform oral on the person in an instant. I just looked, as if I were waiting for a boner to poke itself against the fabric or whatever. And, again, I still identified as straight and liked girls to a tee. I even had my first two girlfriends in high school. College was more of the same. I sodomized myself a little less at the time, though it still happened on occasion when I visited home between semesters. My first kiss with a girl happened at age 20 and I was head over heels in love with this girl for the time that we dated. My bitterness about a lack of good romantic relationships really left me discouraged, and I think I slowly started to question my sexuality shortly after college. Due to a prank pulled on me, I discovered a website and decided to use it to try and get someone to have sex with me...men to have sex with me. I never used the site to try and attract women, though I guess there's a slim selection anyway...but this was the first time I actually acted on my lingering gay thoughts. Now, I've never had sex with another man, or come out of the closet, if I'm actually in one. It's difficult coming to terms with who I am because I flip-flop constantly, and there seems to be a variety of factors that might come into play when it comes to my sexuality. I was exposed to porn at age four and was very curious about it from a young age. I didn't understand what I saw back then, and every fantasy I had was porn based. Usually, I'm dressed in drag in my fantasies, and even started doing that whenever I sodomized myself after college. Sometimes, it feels like I'm trying to get a sexual high out of my activities and reach new extremes. Also, I still will be blown away by the beautiful women. I was keeping tabs on a girl I used to go on dates with a year ago and saw her profile picture and my heart broke seeing her. I mean, she was beautiful, stunning, and I felt stupid knowing I blew it...it was hard to really accept that we weren't seeing each other anymore. It's been a roller coaster. I'm sorry about the long post, but I wanted to give as many details as possible. I hope this can get some solid answers to help me come to terms with who I am...and I'd love to have further discussions about all of this with objective observers. Thanks in advance.
I think everyone goes through the stage where they wrestle with their identity. I certainly did. Sexuality is quite complex, so don't stress on it. It's much easier said than done, but acceptance of who you are comes with time, which is probably not the answer you wanted to hear. I do hear genuine attractions to both men and women, so I'll leave it at that for you to decide in terms of labels. One question I would like to ask, and that's have you ever suppressed your attractions in general? You will come to realize that many gay individuals have suppressed their attractions and tried to fit in, someone that I do not relate to which speaks to my attractions to women; it's there, for sure.
