My whole life I thought I was straight until the past year or two.

Hi, I'm a 20 y/o female and I'm really confused and upset.... sorry this is long. It's necessary.

My whole life I was straight. As a kid I had crushes on a bunch of cute boys up until high school. I always had to have a crush on someone in every grade and every year. I actively looked for someone to "like like." I do not recall having crushes on girls. There were a few girls I thought were pretty but that was it. (I didn't even know what homosexuality really was until I was 16 -ish)
Once I got to 9th and 10th grade, I actually focused on one guy who I thought i was in love with. He was the only boy to make me feel butterflies when he was near or anything like that and I liked his personality and interests. Eventually I let him go because he didn't care about me and I moved away and that was that. Now during this time I had some friendships with girls and I wanted to be close to a few of them but not romantically. One of my friends did question whether or not I was a lesbian because of how I acted around this one girl but I laughed and dismissed it. Anyway so after I moved, I got into a long distance relationship with a boy who I previously went to school with. I was so happy, so "in love" because he loved me. (First boyfriend, first guy to like me really. I was 16) I looked forward to talking to him, playing games, and hanging out when I got to go see him. However when it came down to kissing or anything sexual I was not turned on at all and generally wanted it to just end, or do something else (like watch a movie or play a game) and I never wanted to have sex with him. I thought it was because I didn't want to get pregnant but honestly I was not sexually attracted to him it seemed. Anything we did, was his volition and persuasion. Even kissing was bad. I wanted it to end. I didn't mind little pecks but making out was gross and I hated how it felt with him. Honestly kissing him felt like when I gave my cousin a peck on the lips when I was 12. I'll be honest and say I have never craved having sex with a man my entire life. (*also, it may be relevant but throughout my childhood up until whenever, I really wanted a penis because of how much it made life easier. I was actually really interested in them, too since i saw one when I was 4 or 5. However i have no gender identity issues. I'm quite happy being female. I mean... now after having sex I wish I had a penis but just for that reason. :lol: and... I always felt weird being around a bunch of girls. Like I didn't belong. Like if we were all piled into one class, I feared I was actually in the wrong room? That doesn't happen anymore though)

Fast forward to now: I have had a few crushes on girls (that I acknowledge now) and I had a girlfriend for three months. We met in college and I confessed to her after being her friend for like a month (but I knew she was gay since she told me) Talk about going head over heels.

I loved being with her in every way. Emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically, etc. I will be honest and say that I loved having sex with her (which i did within 2 months of being with her and never did within 2 years with my ex bf) and in general I felt so much for her compared to anything I've ever felt for anyone else (including my ex bf for 2 years and this was only 3 small months) I loved everything about her. I loved kissing, making out, touching, moaning, sex, everything I didn't even like with my ex boyfriend. I truly loved her, and still do in all ways. (We're currently still friends and I do have feelings for her still) The entire relationship was extremely amazing and I felt like I was on fire with love half the time. My feelings for her really haven't stopped. I've noticed that when we hang out I have to be careful not to hug her too long, not to touch her too long, or to accidentally grab her hand too long (if she's tickling me or something) it's a conscious activity to monitor what I'm doing because I don't want to hurt myself and our friendship.

Anyway a BIG issue I'm having is that maybe my ex boyfriend just wasn't good, or that I'm confused. I didn't decide to "come out" truthfully. I just accidentally did. I was put on the spot by my friends, my family, and I didn't know what to say and it escalated at work to almost everyone knowing. I've attempted to reverse it with my parents because they are extremely homophobic and they've told me that I need to date a guy and be with a guy, which I did try recently. I went on a date with my friend of 3 years and it felt weird the entire time. He is attractive and a cool guy but I was really freaked out by what I was doing. It scared me. I feared he would want to hold my hand, or that he'd want to kiss me and I just didn't want it. It made me so scared and made me question what I was doing. I am so confused I have no clue what the f*ck I'm doing now. I cannot tell if I'm actually gay or if it's in my head or if I'm being stupid. Because I notice women now more than men, but I think it's me doing it because of how often I think about this.....I used to notice "hot guys" all the time when I was 15-17. I loved abs, I loved how cool guys dressed, etc. All the attention I've gotten from guys the past year or two is insane. My younger self wouldve been soo happy I just don't get it. I just want them to go away. I mean, I can barely even think about having sex with a guy. It's just disgusting. I don't know if my ex boyfriend just scarred me or?

I cannot really see myself being with a woman or a man (except my ex gf since I still have feelings for her but at the same time it makes me wonder if I do want to be with her because I'm scared of what my family would say)

Honestly I'm scared of being kicked out because of how badly my family is homophobic. I have gay friends (coincidentally) and my parents constantly say that I shouldn't be friends with them because they're gay! I tell them they're wrong and being mean and judgmental and a person should not be judge by their sexuality but by their personality!! My parents say they'd never be friends with a gay person and they're just so f*cking stupid. I really hate them right now because of this (and many other reasons)

I am just really confused and I don't know what to do or say or think or be.

A foot note: I am supportive of all relationships but I have a hard time seeing why guys would want to be with a guy? I can see girls and girls together, and I can kind of see a man and a woman being together but moreso I can understand why a man would want to be with a woman more than a woman wanting to be with a man. Like, men can be very beautiful and chisled to perfection and attractive but omg the penis. No. It's just.. gross from what I've dealt with. It's just a burden to deal with a horny guy I guess? I dunno.

Please. Please. Any insight. Any. I've talked to a few of my gay friends and they're helpful but I want someone elses opinion or something. Thank you!!!