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I don't want to be gay. Because I love women.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by World Citizen, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. World Citizen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    amsterdam
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I feel like my sexual orientation is reassembling itself. Does anyone know what might be going on here? I could really use some help.

    I've desired girls and women since I was very young, before I was really even aware of sex. I've had crushes on females my entire life and I can remember very clearly each one and what it was about her that charmed me so much. When I was 11 a boy I knew "inherited" a box of playboys from his older brother. That got me hooked on images of naked women. Ever since then I've been a frequent user of porn.

    Around my 18th year I saw a tiny little add in a porn magazine. The add was for a hotline for men who wanted to talk to guys. There was a little picture of a naked guy standing up with an erection. I had been jerking off to the girls in that mag till that point and this photo wasn't making me any softer so before I knew it I had climaxed to the image of a naked dude. I didn't even think about it.

    My sex life got off to a late start. I had been moved to the other side of the world by my mother just as puberty was starting and I was very depressed about that for years. Also my father has a personality disorder and has been living off of other people (mainly girlfriends) for the last 22 years. These were the 2 main factors that caused me to be socially stunted for a while. It took me a long time to figure out how to get girls in this new environment so I didn't end up kissing a girl until I was 19(loved it). I had sex for the first time 1 year later with a hooker after I couldn't stand being a virgin any longer. It was great. Once I had had that first experience I got pretty good at getting girls. I had grown up to be a real pretty boy and I slept with two other girls that same week.

    I always have and still do love to flirt with the opposite sex. I love to watch them (I almost cant look away when a hot girl walks by.. my eyes are glued). To calmly tell them that I want them with a subtle lingering of my eyes on theirs. I love the smell of a girls hair and to push my face into it. I love to kiss them. The sound of a girls sexy voice has a real effect on me. When a girl is being intimate with me it makes my heart melt. I love the shape of their bodies.

    I also used to love to make love to girls.

    So around the age of 19 I realised that there was something else that could give me an erection. Erections. But they had to be big. Like, really big. Ok, ok, let's call it what it is. I love big cocks. Love em. Can't understand why everybody else doesn't love em. It just seems like a gorgeous object to me. Hahaha o boy..

    That's where my lust for men ends though. The further you get from the dick - the less interest I have. I've never had a crush on a man. I don't like being in a mans personal space. I hate the way guys smell. If a handsome guy walks by with a pretty girl I don't even notice him. I do not respond emotionally to the sound of a mans voice. My heart strings are not pulled by men in the way women can pull them. If I'm in a club and I have to press up against a guy from behind to get past I get a little chill of discomfort.

    I always just assumed I was low on the Kinsey scale but definitely not entirely straight.

    All of this makes me extremely confused because I've lost the ability to get hard from being with a woman. I'm still turned on by straight porn but its nothing compared to gay porn. Gay porn has me hard as granite. But only when its focused on unusually large penises.. It doesn't matter if the guy is fat, skinny, ugly or old as hell. If his dick is massive then I'm in a trance.

    THAT SUCKS! Pun intended. Because men's bodies and faces mean almost nothing to me. As a sexual object a man is just a dick to me. But ONLY if he's unusually large. Otherwise he's not even that. What the hell is that kind of orientation?? There's no love or affection just lust for a single body part.

    Now here's where it really gets weird for me.. For the last year or two my desire would fluctuate from one sex to the other. I would be almost exclusively into straight porn for about a month/month and a half and then almost exclusively into gay porn the following month.

    I would find myself getting to know girls and sleeping with them in the "straight month" only to lose the desire for sex with them in the gay period. A weird little thing is that I always knew when the gay period had started because I would instantly SNEEZE the moment I started to think about maybe looking at some dicks. Really weird.

    I'm 30 now. Throughout my twenties I had very few girlfriends and they never lasted long. I did get a lot of girls into bed though.. I think I probably had sex with around 40 girls.

    "Of course!" I can hear you say. You were in denial of your true self all that time and really wanted to be with men! BUT.. I was falling in love with girls all the time.. The truth (I think) is that I had a lot of emotional baggage that I had to deal with and always tended to lose the girl I wanted because I was kind of a mess. My looks always gave me a new shot though.

    That brings this little story to the present day. I've worked through a lot of stuff and said farewell to my abusive father a while ago. I've come out of my 20s with a much happier outlook on life. I found myself in a bunch of ways and I can tell that the opposite sex is responding to it.

    I've still never done anything sexual with a man. I know I should put in the effort to go out and pick up a gay guy but.. I really don't want to. I don't like guys (no interest in she-males by the way).

    I've been dating an amazing girl lately. I can tell she would love to be my girlfriend. When we're together it's all really easy and fun. She's kind of shockingly beautiful and has a very genuine, sweet character. I love to be intimate and naked with her, we kiss and hug all night and it feels amazing. But my dick just won't get hard for her.

    I contemplate using Viagra or something.. Even if it was just once I'm longing to have a wonderful sexual experience with her very badly.

    But I have a feeling I know where this is all going. Somehow the fact that my sex organ only responds to one thing now will dictate the rest of my life and I'm going to have to figure out how to adjust my feelings according to that. It feels like I'm cursed to only be capable of relationships with guys. Sweaty, smelly, hair covered, farting and masculine. And that feels like a prison sentence.

    Has anyone ever been in a situation like this out there?


    Thanks and sorry for how long this was.