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Very Unsure

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by aanon, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. aanon

    aanon Guest

    Ok, so this is very weird. I have NEVER spoken to anyone about this but over the last few months it has been increasingly bothering me.

    Right so I have always felt attracted to guys. Even when I was very young ALL of my fantasies involved men and I have had crushes on men and boyfriends throughout my entire life. So I have always assumed that I am straight.
    The thing that is bothering me is that ever since I started masterbating around 6 years ago (I am 24) I primarily think about women. I do get aroused by straight sex and I sometimes think about men, straight sex or even threesomes but I find it much easier to get off to thinking of women (and all my fantasies have to be pretty dirty- sorry for the tmi!).
    There is no particular woman I have in mind and when I finish I can't believe I was even thinking about that and to be honest I feel pretty disgusted with myself. I also find lesbian porn much more arousing than straight porn.

    The rest of the time my fantasies are about men!

    So I am very confused. I have a genuine sexual attraction to men. I enjoy sex with them but when I am on my own I think about women. But in my actual life I can't recall ever having a crush on women in the same way that I do men.
    I have tried accepting that I am bisexual but somehow the label doesn't seem to fit.

    I should add here that I have pretty severe anxiety and obsessive traits and what terrifies me is that in the future I will find out that I have actually been a lesbian in denial and no longer find men attractive because I have only ever imagined spending my life with a man. I know sexuality can be a fluid thing and there are some of us that don't fall into one category or another, I just have a problem accepting that uncertainty.

    I am sorry for the very long (and probably quite incoherent) post.
    Do you have any advice?
    Do you think I am bisexual or a lesbian in denial?

    Thank you for any help x
     
  2. Lyana

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    Hey aanon,
    If it can reassure you, you don't sound like a lesbian in denial. Your attraction to men pretty much throws that option out the window. Lesbians do not have "a genuine sexual attraction to men."
    If bisexual doesn't feel like it fits, then you don't have to call yourself bisexual. If you're only interested in pursuing relationships and sex with men, then there's no point in calling yourself bi.

    Now, on to the rest of the issue. Fantasies are one thing. They can hint at your sexuality, yes, but I think you need something more. You say you've never crushed on a woman, but have you ever been sexually attracted to a specific women? Can you see yourself (outside of the domain of just masturbation fantasy) kissing or having sex with a woman?

    You mention feeling disgusted. There is nothing wrong with your fantasies. Many women fantasize about things they wouldn't enjoy in real life. There is also nothing wrong with being bi or lesbian. If you can't see that, then it will be much harder for you to understand your sexuality, because you'll be closed off to half the options.
     
  3. aanon

    aanon Guest

    Hi, thank you so much for replying :slight_smile:
    It does reassure me to hear you say that to be honest. I am so glad to hear you say that because I can't imagine not loving men!

    It has been confusing me for a while to be honest and I do think my anxiety around the issue is stopping me from getting my thoughts straight. I am not attracted to women in my daily life but there is obviously a part of me that is and to be honest, I am not very comfortable with that part.
    In reality I have no desire to act on my fantasy and the thought of doing so actually makes me cringe (I am not meaning that there is anything wrong with it but it is something I can't see myself enjoying). Maybe that will change one day I am not sure but right now it is not appealing.

    I truly have nothing against gay/lesbian/ bisexual people and I certainly do not mean that I find it disgusting. Many of my friends and family identify as gay/lesbian or bi and I totally support them. I just mean that when I have finished masterbating I feel weird and like "what was I thinking?!".

    I guess then I am trying to fathom whether I am bisexual or not. Do fantasies make you bisexual?

    Sorry again for the long post, I just don't feel comfortable talking about this anywhere else
    x
     
  4. Lyana

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    Don't worry about the length of the post. On the contrary, more detail is welcome. Besides, we're here to help. This is definitely the place to talk about these thoughts, if you're not comfortable doing so offline.

    So long as you know there's nothing wrong with being bi and wouldn't be ashamed of being bi, I don't think it seems like you're lying to yourself. Are you afraid of being bi?
    I do suggest trying to get comfortable with the part of you that fantasizes about women. There's nothing shameful about it. Once you accept it, it will be much easier and more natural for you to be secure in your heterosexuality (or, maybe, bisexuality -- I can't tell you what your orientation is, only you can know that).

    Everyone has different experiences. My attraction to a woman in particular convinced me I was bi. Fantasizing to get off is not enough, in my honest opinion, to "make" you bisexual if you have no interest otherwise in the same gender.

    My advice would be not to stress it (because, really, it's not going to harm you), and stay open-minded. If some day in the future you find yourself attracted to a woman... Well, then you can rethink your orientation. Right now, though, it seems to me like you can happily carry on identifying as straight. I see no reason to think you might not be.
     
  5. aanon

    aanon Guest

    Hi, thank you again for replying :slight_smile: And thank you for your supportive post :slight_smile:

    Maybe I am a bit afraid to be bisexual but on the other hand I honestly don't feel I am lying to myself when I say I have no attraction to women. And that is why this fantasy confuses me so much- it makes me doubt myself! And the more I think about it, the more I start to stress about my sexuality thinking that somehow I am actually attracted to women but I can't admit it. I mean why would the idea arouse me if I didn't at least on some level find it attractive? But I also know that I am very attracted to men and in reality I only see myself with a man (romantically and sexually) with zero desire to explore relationships with other women.

    You are totally right though. Maybe I am bisexual? But right now I am perfectly happy to keep this as a fantasy. I guess it could change with time but right now I will just leave it where it is!

    Thank you so much for your help x
     
    #5 aanon, Aug 3, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2015
  6. Lyana

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    I didn't really feel like making this parallel at first, but... like I said, many people fantasize about things they would not enjoy in real life. Certainly some of my fantasies involve things I never plan to do, nor even want to do. Some women have rape fantasies, but it's not about actually wanting to be raped. Sometimes, it's hard to understand what turns you on... sometimes, it's best not to overanalyze things.
    (That said... I love being bi. So for future reference, just in case: it's nothing to be afraid of.)

    Someone else might have something more to say or a different opinion, but I think your last couple sentences nailed it. Be happy, be comfortable, be you.
     
  7. aanon

    aanon Guest

    Yes I suppose you are right. I am pretty guilty of overthinking everything to be honest lol! And some of my fantasies are pretty weird to be honest!!

    I am perfectly happy being straight and I suppose if these fantasies do mean anything they will come out eventually but right now I am ok with where I am and questioning it is making me so confused!

    Your posts have helped me so much! Just talking it through with someone else has made me feel a lot better. Thank you! :slight_smile: