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Tired of questioning if I'm gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Penandpaper, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. Penandpaper

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2015
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    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I've been really confused for a while now. When I came out to myself in February I really thought I was gay. And that was after years of questioning myself. But lately I haven't been so sure I’m gay. I look at the evidence and sometimes I am convinced I'm gay or I struggle with what my attractions really are. I was hoping some of you might be able to help me sort through my thoughts. If this is a long post I apologize.

    I have never been in a relationship with a girl or a guy. I’ve never had sex with a girl, but I once did with a guy (just oral). I have never had a full-on crush for any guy. I did have a crush on a girl in 9th grade because I thought she was smart and nice, but I never saw her in a sexual way. Since that, I haven’t had any crushes.

    When walking around or in public my eyes pay attention to the guys and I'll find many of them attractive, whether they have great hair, a cute face, or nice muscles. I don't ever examine girls in the same manner. Like I never have said a girl is hot or sexually attractive. (But I do with guys, if only to myself.) I walk by without an urge to stare and look at girls but I do with guys. I might notice a girl’s legs or face, however, and think she is aesthetically beautiful. But I don’t have a desire to be with her because of it.

    In the past week or so I had a dream where I gave oral to a guy and we were in a relationship. I never have such vivid dreams about girls.

    When I masturbate, it's to guys, but I have been able to think of girls. But I have to force myself to focus only on girls. My mind would rather think of a guy.

    At night when I can’t sleep, I imagine laying next to a guy and cuddling or talking and laughing. I try to imagine a girl in the place of the guy, and it seems fine. I honestly feel like it could work out. I feel like if I really loved the girl I could be as affectionate and loving as I imagine being with the guy. If I imagine getting married or something, I think of being with a guy or a girl. Both seem possible for me. But I don’t know if the idea of marrying a girl is just social expectations trying to make me be “normal.” Something about being in the arms of a guy feels so much more natural. Being with a girl feels okay and fine, but being with a guy feels right and seems more happy. It feels like it's what I really want.

    I'm most turned on by gay porn. Straight porn is somewhat okay. There are certain images/videos that make me get an erection, but some of it is off-putting. Two girls without a guy isn’t arousing to look at. Some part of me wants to argue that watching the gay porn made me gay. But I really started out watching straight porn, then just solo guy stuff, and then gay porn.

    I convince myself I’m gay at one point but then I’m like “But I could be with a girl!” I think it’s hard for me to accept being gay because I’m not like what people view as stereotypically gay. No one has ever questioned my sexuality, to my face at least. I have no problem being gay. If that's who I am, that's who I am. I just wish I could be sure about it and be done with all the questioning and second-guessing.