Ok so I'm about to be very, very frank; When I was younger and sometimes now (too a much lesser degree) I fantasized about heterosexual sex, but it was never about someone I actually really knew. When I would have a fantasy about these faceless male strangers, it was always about my pleasure and not theirs. But, now that I've realized my attraction to women I have actual dreams about women I know, and they are taking a more active role in the scenario. I have never had a real crush on a guy, or at least I don't think I have. I have had pretty intense feelings for women though, or at the very least I am some how drawn in and hypnotized by women in a much more significant way. I don't think of men, they just don't really register on my radar. Women, on the other hand, are always on my mind whether that be in a romantic or platonic capacity. I can always appreciate when a guy is attractive but its in a calculating manner. Its like I'm thinking "Oh okay he's attractive." and then I completely move on and think nothing more of it. I think if I could detach myself from my emotions I could enjoy the actual physical aspect of sex with a guy but I don't know if I would actually be capable of having sex with out emotions. I went on a date with a guy a few months ago, and it went fine but it felt like I was just going through the motions. He was nice, he was funny and he was kind but I just didn't really feel anything. Every time he would put his hand on my waist, hold my hands, or touch me in any way, I couldn't help but back away. It just felt weird; I don't know how to describe it. Later, a friend of mine came and danced with me (she's a girl) and without even knowing what I was doing I gravitated towards her and interlocked our fingers and the whole rest of the night all I could think about was her, when I was supposed to be thinking about him. I don't know. I guess what I'm asking is am I a lesbian? Or if I'm bi with a preference for women romantically, should I just identify as a lesbian to make it easier when coming out? Help? Haha?
There are several indications here that you could be (predominantly) lesbian, but you could still be bisexual also. The fact you had fantasized about the opposite sex in your younger years suggests a possible proclivity that way, and you might have just not met a guy you're attracted to yet. I had same-sex fantasies growing up pretty much exclusively, but I don't believe I had any sort of crush-like feelings towards a girl until I was 17-18, certainly not recognizably 'til I was around 20. However, since recognising those feelings, I've been able to fantasize about guys in a way that - like you - is all to do with my own physical pleasure with no emotions involved. The question is, can you see yourself having a relationship with a guy? Remember, you don't have to give yourself a label - if anyone asks you could just say you think you're mainly into women, but not sure about men yet.
OK so I'm a guy, but your feelings toward guys is where I'm at with women. I admire their beauty in an almost clinical way. Guys on the other hand...
@foxconfessor I dont think I could really see myself in a serious long term relationship with a guy, or at least guy I've ever met. For me its almost like sex is sex. I can take pleasure in the actual logistics of the act without being particularly attracted to my partners body or personality. But at the same time without any kind of emotional bond it makes it kind of uncomfortable. When it comes to TV, movies and books featuring hetero couples I can really enjoy it and relate even though there aren't really any men that I want to be in a real relationship with. ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2015 at 11:02 AM ---------- @Chicagoblue absolutely I think of men's physical appearance in a very clinical way. I can appreciate when anyone is attractive, but some how I'm infinitely more passionate in the way appreciate a woman's beauty.
I personally am a very verbal advocate of emotional connection over sexual desire, as they are most certainly two separate things. Since I'm an OS, I am one with a strong emotional connection towards my doll. I keep sexual desire separate from my love and instead occasionally release it in *mghm* other means merely for keeping my mental health in check. It has definitely worked for me for a long time, and it is proof for me that EC can most definitely be different and completely separate from SD.
@brokenrecord I agree. For me emotional connection and sexual desire are two things that I can experience simultaneously or individually.
You sound like a female version of myself except I have a girlfriend (try having a look at my thread) I dont think that makes you any less gay. I think labels can be very restrictive sometimes but they're the only thing we can use to come close to come to describing what we feel. IN your circumstance you could describe yourself as a lesbian who is open-minded towards straight sex, emphasize the sex part...now that doesn't mean you want to be romantically entangled with a guy, or that you're going to sleep with any guy at his beckoning.
@honest4you I feel like lesbian is the best label because bisexual some how feels disingenuous but lesbian feels restrictive. With my family and friends Im pretty much the only gay person they know and I feel like it would be very difficult to explain a nuanced view of my sexuality. Also are they even entitled to know that much about my sex life? I wish I didn't even have to label it but if I don't everyone in my life is going to assume I'm straight. In fact, when I told my mother I was into girls she told me that I didn't "seem like a lesbian" because I wear dresses and I'm all around pretty feminine. We were having a conversation about me as a child and she started saying "You were such a girly girl when you were a little girl. You loved to dress up like a princess and you begged Dad to paint your room pink." and I said "Well, their were girls that were more girly than I was but your right I pretty feminine." she then replied "Don't even try and argue you weren't girly, you were ,I remember.". She said it like she proved something, like she had proven that I was in fact straight. She acted like she had caught me and she had beat me. She seems to be under the false assumption that all lesbians are masculine. My family is incredibly ignorant when it comes to lgbt terminology and info. I don't know if I should even come out to them period. If I came out as anything other than 100% gay, then they really wouldn't believe me.
Hey there OUADream, You sound pretty typical of Kinsey 5 to me; and lots of Kinsey 5's identify as lesbian. I get your conflict, though: "bisexual feels disingenuous, but lesbian feels restrictive". That makes total sense to me. The fact is that you've never met the man that really does it for you, and given that, it seems most convenient to "list" yourself as a lesbian, despite the "restrictiveness". All of that is fine and should present no problems unless/until you start to develop significant attraction to a specific man and/or your sexuality shifts later in life (I don't know your current age, but you sound under 40 at any rate). When my partner and I got together initially, we both felt that we were all we ever needed...who needs men?? This attitude stuck around for many years...but around 10 years ago, I started to acknowledge that my interest in men was growing and becoming significant. At this stage, although my partner and I have no less attraction to each other, we're feeling our interest for men as a specific unmet *need*. We have built such a life together that there is *no* way we'd ever split up over this...but it does present a significant challenge. Ok, that's me/us. We were *always* open with each other about being bisexual. And we are Kinsey 4's, so that's a difference too. But if you identify outwardly as lesbian, I think it's important to be aware that this dynamic is out there and could catch up to you, even as a 5. I'm not recommending *doing* anything differently, or describing yourself in any particular way, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. But if you build a strong relationship with a lesbian, and never mention bisexuality, or any history of attraction to men, then if things change, you could find that she feels reasonably betrayed. So I guess my recommendation would be to do whatever casually. But communicate with any serious partners. Keep them in the loop. And be honest with yourself and with them about where you are at each point. Honesty and good communication are the foundation of any functional relationship...so there's nothing to be lost by engaging in those from the start.
@biAnnika thank you that's really really helpful. I guess I just need to be sure to communicate with my significant others that I'm not 100% gay. I feel like the most accurate description of my sexuality is homoromantic bisexual, but I guess the only people who really need to know that are my significant others because I feel like I will probably end up with a woman.
Yeah I'll probably end up with a man as well, just because I find guys more sexually attractive, and when you're talking about a relationship for life, I can say that most likely I'll be with a man. That doesn't discount my attractions to women though. I do want to have sex with a woman because I want to know how it feels like.
