Yet another post about another person questioning their sexuality but I could REALLY use some help please as I am so confused at the moment and I literally can't stop thinking about this. I can't even sleep at the moment so any input would be great. I am a 18 year old female and for as long as I remember I have been attracted to guys. I had crushes on boys but I have always been incredibly insecure about my body (I had severe anorexia for 7 years from which I have only just recovered) and so I have never felt able to get really intimate with anyone so long story short I haven't had a boyfriend yet despite being very attracted to some men. I have really low self esteem so I have trouble believing that any guy would actually even be attracted to me. But basically despite my lack of sexual activity I assumed I was straight The thing is that when I started masterbating at around 14 (sorry for the graphic detail) I started by thinking about a man and a woman but I found that I got even more aroused by thinking about 2 men together and even more so by thinking about 2 women! None of these involved anyone specific. Whenever I had finished I felt like 'wtf was that?' or 'where did that come from?!" and just generally feel pretty weird. But I continued- sometimes I would think about a man and woman but I was still more aroused by the thought of 2 women. Outside of these 'moments' (lol) I have only ever felt attraction to men. I fantasise more about men, crave relationships with men and I have only ever seen myself settling down with a man. There has never been a woman that I can recall feeling attracted to. But then one day around 2 months ago I decided to check online what these lesbian fantasies could mean. Does the fact that I get more aroused by thinking about 2 women mean I am a lesbian or bisexual? Well, that seems to have been a huge mistake because where I thought I would find an answer I am now obsessed with my sexual orientation. I can't seem to be satisfied. Am I a lesbian or not? Pretty much every piece of evidence (apart from these occasional strange fantasies) points to me being straight. But what if I am not? What if I am in denial? What if these fantasies mean that I have unconsciously tricked myself into believing I am straight? I have read about HOCD (as I understand it, it is where someone with OCD becomes obsessed with their sexuality). I do have pure obsessional OCD and anxiety. When an obsession takes hold I do struggle to see fact and fiction. I do fit with a lot of the criteria for HOCD. I have been so obsessively checking my arousal that I am confused now whether I am aroused or not and I panic because I am not aroused by men that I used to be. But, I DO have these fantasies. So it can't really be HOCD. I have honestly been racking my brains to figure out if I can find any signs that suggest that I am attracted to women. The thing is, I do look at women. Sometimes even more than men. I have always felt this has to do with my obsession with bodyweight and my insecurity about my looks. I compare them to myself. When I perceive a woman is prettier/skinnier or more attractive than me I feel very envious (especially if they have an attractive boyfriend too!) and if only I could look more like them then my life would be better. I had an obsession with the size of my legs so I would hone in on other girls legs too. To me there was nothing sexual about it- I wanted to be them not be with them! The thing is, after reading about denial on this site this seems a classic case of someone in denial. Just mistaking attraction for comparison. Does this sound familiar? Have I just missed it? It has got to the point where I have even tried to accept myself as a lesbian or even a bisexual. My heart tells me that I am neither of those things despite those occasional fantasies. If I were in a world where it didn't matter what other people thought, who would I want to spend my life with? The answer is always a man. But then the doubts come back- what if I am just kidding myself because I so desperately want to be straight? The thing is, I feel no desire to be in a relationship with a woman and I never have! The thought of never being with a man makes me sad. And the thought of never being attracted to another man really scares me. I absolutely don't mean that there is anything wrong with being gay/lesbian/bisexual. I have friends and family who are gay/lesbian/bi and I have never really thought twice about it. I just want to know for sure whether I am gay or not? How do you separate someone with OCD and someone who is in denial? And how do you even know that you are in denial? One moment I review my evidence and feel satisfied but then my mind constantly goes back to thinking 'what if I just can't see it?'/ 'what if I am so deep in denial that I just can't accept it?'/ 'you can't be straight if you have those fantasies'. I am so caught up in my thinking that I can't see clearly anymore what is real and what is not. I just feel so confused. Wow! I am really sorry! I have only just realised how long (and boring) this post really is! But it is something that is really eating away at me so please please please any help would be appreciated!! x
Firstly, sorry to hear about your problems with anorexia, and glad to hear you are now recovered. Onto the fantasy thing, there are actually a lot of straight women out there who prefer lesbian porn to straight porn. Often there are reasons for this besides some underlying orientation - for example, the fact it focuses on the women's pleasure, is often more sensual etc. However, the fact you feel this way just through your own fantasies might suggest something else. It doesn't seem like you're a lesbian though - if you've genuinely felt attracted to guys in real life and don't have a problem imagining yourself dating one, then you are potentially, at most, bisexual. You may not be experiencing attractions to women in real life because that's not how you've been conditioned to think of them, and there is also the fact that you have spent a lot of time comparing yourself to them - all of this may have clouded the potential for attraction. But this may not be the case - either way, for now, I would remain open-minded of the possibility. I know for one that it is difficult not to obsess over this sort of thing - and if you've suffered from OCD related disorders in the past then I can only imagine how difficult it must be to stop yourself from overthinking this. But honestly, real life attractions are much more indicative of someone's sexual orientation than fantasies. A lot of people have fantasies they wouldn't want to do in real life, and get off on them all the more because of it. Hope this helps.
Hi, thanks so much for replying. I wrote that post in moment of really high anxiety, reading it back now I feel like such an idiot lol! Ok, so I am much calmer today! I have actually heard about the porn thing but you are right these fantasies come from my head not from porn. They are not all the time and up until a couple of months ago I just kind of said -'well I guess they mean I am bit bisexual?' or just seen them as something kinky to get me off at that moment. I can't really understand why my mind would go there but basically I have never really thought anything of it as I fancied men. Outside of that 'moment' I actually find the idea of 2 women a turn off (sorry- I'm not meaning to be offensive). It's really when the OCD takes hold that I start really analysing them and analysing all my past interaction with women because I become obsessed with the fact that I must be a lesbian but I can't see it. Even though I know that it is my insecurities that have stopped me from pursuing relationships with men (I am terrified of rejection and I can't see how any man would want me) my OCD starts to convince me that it must be because I unconsciously want to be with women. I know some people will probably say that I am trying to use the OCD to hide the fact that I do actually want to be with women but I know how my mind can and does play tricks on me (a few months ago I convinced myself that I had cancer despite doctors repeatedly telling me that there was nothing wrong!). You could be right and it is the way that I have been conditioned but the truth is I don't even care if I am bisexual. I do think some women are pretty/attractive (models etc) but I am more interested in what clothes they are wearing or how they do their hair/makeup etc. I thought that was pretty normal? Obviously these fantasies probably mean that I am not 100% straight but the way my mind works is 'if I am not straight, I must therefore be a lesbian'. I know that sexuality exists on a spectrum but I am a very black and white thinker so I do struggle with the grey area in between. Sorry, I know that this is more of a rant than a useful post but it does help me to think it through as I write it down as I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it!
I think you're straight. I used to suffer from chronic HOCD and it used to make me go crazy. It would truck my mind into thinking that my sexuality magically changed, but after a few months I broke free of Satan's grip that is HOCD and realized that it was just me overreacting. You'll get through it, girl. It all gets better.
Hi thanks for your responses. But what about the fantasies? They don't fit with HOCD do they? People with HOCD (from what I understand) don't have this. I'm struggling even more because I feel so numb at the moment. Before this started I was attracted to men but now I can't think about men or my sexuality without getting really anxious. The whole thing is destroying my life at the moment. I'm not eating properly and I can't sleep. My thoughts are non stop and I keep checking my arousal. I keep looking at men and women to try and figure out who I am aroused to. I am so mixed up. I don't feel attracted to anyone at the moment and that is making me even more anxious because I can't figure it out. The uncertainty of not knowing is making me sick. I don't want to spend my life with a woman. I would rather spend my life alone than with a woman. The thought of not being able to spend my life with a man makes me so sad. I've always been able to picture myself in a relationship with a man but now I can't even do that. But what if it's not OCD, what if I just can't accept my sexuality?
What did your past attractions to men feel like? Were they instantaneous, did you feel like yourself when you were experiencing them? And when you imagine your life with a man, do you feel a sense of wholeness? Does it seem instinctive and natural? I realise these questions may seem obtuse and difficult to answer - most people don't have to think so analytically about things that are so instinctual. But the fact that you still want, and have always wanted to spend your life with a man is important, and telling. Honestly, the thing that made me realise I was gay was that I don't, and have never felt, these things about men in general. Whenever I experienced an "attraction" or "crush" on a man I felt myself morph into someone else. It was something under my control, and therefore, probably not that legitimate. My feelings for girls (rare that they are) are direct and instantaneous, and completely outside of my own control. This is what makes me nervous - the undeniability of them. But I understand that uncertainty can be nerve-wracking also. Just remember, there are lots of straight women who fantasize about women. There are lots of bisexual women who fantasize predominantly about women. Of course, gay women fantasize about women too, but this, and this alone, does not make them lesbians.
Hi, Yeah, the attraction to men has always been pretty instant. For example, if I saw a guy who I thought was hot, I would go all shy and get butterflies. And if I had a crush on a guy, I would imagine what it would be like if he was my boyfriend and stuff. It's always been men that I notice in the street. Imagining my life with a man has always felt really natural and it makes me feel really happy. I have never had to force myself to be attracted to a man. I have never once had these feelings around women. I have loads of female friends and it has never once occurred to me that I am attracted to them (until a few weeks ago- then I started to really obsess). The thought of having to spend my life with a woman makes me really anxious and sad and I have never had any of the thoughts above about women. In my fantasies it is not me. It's just two faceless women. It only arouses me during masterbation (sorry-tmi) and the thought of me actually doing anything with a woman feels gross. Despite all of this, my mind is telling me that I must be gay but I am in denial. I have fantasised about women therefore I must be gay. I can't get that thought out of my head. I can't focus on anything else at the moment. Sometimes I feel it is OCD but then seconds later my doubts start to come back and I feel like I must just be in denial. So I spend hours on the internet searching for an answer. Obviously I never get one. No matter what I read my mind is twisting it to make me believe I am gay. Sorry, I realise I sound like a broken record but it's all I can think about.
This sounds like one of a long line of obsessions, so I'd say you should maybe try to find a way to combat your OCD tendencies. I don't know if HOCD is medically recognised but I've come across lots of stories online of people with a history of OCD who believe they have it, with exactly the same problem as you - with almost all evidence pointing towards them being straight, yet, because of their obsessive tendencies, they can't shake off that doubt that they aren't. It sucks that you have to go through this, but I truly believe it will pass. If you can, perhaps try to channel your obsessive tendencies in a positive way - try starting a new book or tv show, or even a new hobby. This way you might be able to obsess in a way that doesn't have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing, and will hopefully help you start to feel more like yourself again. (*hug*)
Hi, Well yeah, that is pretty much right. I have had other obsessions before and the behaviour is exactly the same so maybe it is the OCD? I do try and distract myself from the thoughts but it takes so much mental effort to block them out of my mind that eventually my thoughts wander back to thinking about this. Then I end up on the internet for hours looking for reassurance or evidence about my orientation. And then that just makes everything worse. I know I need to stop indulging the obsession by looking for reassurance/answers but that is just so f***ing difficult! I really do need to get some help! Thanks anyway for your support
I know what you mean. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm gay (and have deep down always known this) I'm constantly checking things about sexuality online - maybe for a way out or something. It's never off my mind which is really draining. I've thought about therapy for a while now but I'm not sure I could do it. I've found this forum the most helpful thing in all honesty, but maybe I should be staving off anything to do with it for a while. Idk, it's so difficult.
I totally know what you mean. Uncertainty is really uncomfortable. And yeah, to be honest reading back my posts I clearly do need therapy (lol) but it's just such a difficult thing to discuss as it's such a personal and sensitive subject. I mean, I am aware that I have OCD and a lot of my thoughts are related to that but then again what I am saying (fantasising about women) doesn't exactly scream heterosexual to me so there is genuine reason to question my sexuality and it's probably not purely the OCD. Saying that though I've always felt that I could separate fantasy and reality. What I daydream about when not horny (men) is what I actually want and I get off to thinking about lesbians because well, it just feels really dirty to me and it's the dirtiness of it that arouses me more than anything. When I'm not being obsessive, I am usually pretty self-aware and when I am more rational, I actually don't think these fantasies do symbolise some latent lesbian desire because I have never had any desire to take them out of my head, I don't get aroused by them if not masterbating and I haven't experienced attraction to other women. I know sexuality is supposed to exist on a continuum and in reality I probably fit somewhere on that spectrum- probably somewhere between straight and bisexual. But even that is really anxiety provoking. I don't fit perfectly into the straight category but neither do I feel particularly bisexual and the fear that it could change and one day I suddenly won't be attracted to men anymore and I will suddenly want to be with a woman does really scare me. Sorry for another long post, I just don't really have anywhere else to talk about this
It's good that you've distinguished a difference between fantasy and reality. My problem when I thought I was still (at least partially) straight was that I could daydream about guys - even fantasize sexually - but thought this was enough to prove I was straight in real life, even though those guys I fantasized about I didn't experience strong feelings towards in reality. Although even when I fantasized about them deep down I still had the feeling like it wasn't the real deal even in fantasy - it just wasn't my natural proclivity. Perhaps it is the same for you with women. Sexuality is a vast, complicated thing - with room for things that don't translate the same across different realms of experience. You say you daydream about men when "not horny" - do these fantasies produce any sexual response? Or is it more of an emotional thing? I know you know this, but people's orientation doesn't ever change suddenly. I don't think anybody who's been straight all their life wakes up suddenly gay. If you really, really don't want to be with a woman in the abstract now then you most likely won't in the future. If it helps for you to keep posting, then absolutely keep on posting!
Hi, thanks again for replying. It really does help me to keep posting as I am trying to get my thoughts straight. I have always felt like there was a divide between fantasy and reality for me. Maybe some people will say that sounds like denial but I am trying to be completely honest with myself to figure this out and I do feel like that is true. These daydreams about men are usually both emotional and sexual and they do make me aroused and sometime I do get off on them. They are more like the relationship that I desire in real life and they make me feel happy. But (and I can't believe I am admitting this lol) when I masterbate things do have to be pretty extreme and more along a porn theme (sorry about the graphic detail!). I have fantasised about all sorts and most of them are things I know full well I don't want in real life. It does kind of feel like the way you described your feelings about men. I don't associate myself with these fantasies and I don't feel anything sexually towards women in real life. But, the fact that it has been my preferred fantasy for some time does make me insecure about calling myself truly straight. And that is when the OCD starts to take hold and makes me obsess that I must be gay and in denial and I get so obsessive about checking my arousal and stuff that I can't think clear. In all honesty, my attraction to men is not forced, it's what feels natural to me. I am not drawn to women in that way at all and it's always been a man that I want to spend my life with. Deep down I do know that I am straight. Maybe not as straight as an arrow but at least mostly straight. It's that small bit of uncertainty though that makes me so anxious. You are right though, I guess sexuality is a really unique thing and I think for me, comparing my own experience to someone else is not necessarily useful. I suppose for one person what I am saying may mean they are a lesbian or bisexual and for others it may not. And just when I think I have figured myself out, I read something else on the internet and my anxiety spikes and then the doubts and obsessive thoughts come flooding back in so I am really going to have to stop doing that!
